*~Dreamwalker~* Chapter One (repost)
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Rachel in Hogwarts. Practicing spells with Hermione, playing Quidditch as Chaser for Gryffindor, playing wizard chess with Ron, chatting with Ginny, Luna, and Harry, hunting Horcruxes, and going back in time with Hermione using her Time-Turner. :3 |
Chapter One: Vivid Dream
I stand there, staring around at the ominous blackness, completely and utterly stuck, and not knowing which way to go. Five luminous paths stand before me, each one having its own unique characteristics.
The first path is shining brighter than the rest, with such a luminous sheen of light that it almost blinds me. I cannot see much behind this path, except for two big figures. These figures have the outline of a human body, but they are so gigantic that they cannot possibly be human beings.
The second path is so dark, I cannot see anything in its' depths. This path reminds me of sad things: death, loneliness, something that is so dark, deep and sad that it has lost all hope.
The third path has gray skies with ominous stratus clouds that threaten to pour down rain. Looking into this path, I see a flash of lightning streak across the gray sky, momentarily lighting it up. A rumble of thunder closely follows- a rumble so loud that it hurts my eardrums.
The fourth has strips of rainbow colored light running down it. This path cheers me up quite a bit from the dark and depressing paths. But before I can turn to the fifth and final path, the rainbow strips of light reach out towards me. They wrap around me. Instantly, I start to get short of breath. The light starts to tighten around me. My ribs feel like they could shatter into a million pieces inside of me. But just then, the grip loosens around me. The rainbow strips retreat. I feel my breath coming back- slowly but surely.
Finally, I have enough strength to turn away from the killer rainbow path and turn toward the fifth path. This path is the most unusual. It looks like a beautiful realm-a safe haven. I can see horses galloping in the luscious aqua blue colored grass. I can see cows resting underneath big orange trees with red leaves. The shade looks refreshing. But why is everything so colorful? I ask myself. Grass is meant to be green-not aqua blue.
Then the image in the fifth path changes; I can see a beautiful lake surrounded by every colored tree you can imagine: blue bark with green leaves, red bark with orange leaves, purple bark with pink leaves and many other colorful trees.
Suddenly, I'm parched. I need that water. My whole body seems to get hotter too. A bead of sweat forms on my forehead. I wipe it off with the back of my hand.
I reach out to try to get to the lake, but I find I can't. My feet won't move an inch. It's almost like they're glued to the darkness that serves as a floor. I cry out, feeling as though I'll die without the water. My sharp cry echos back to me as if to tell me how pathetic I sound. A deep voice laughs at me. And then I'm falling, air rushing past me, into darkness. But even though the other fourth paths are gone, I can hear them calling out to me, begging me to choose them and not the fifth path. Just as I feel no hope for ever finding water...I wake up.
I sit up fast in my twin sized bed-breathing fast. I didn't know why, but lately my dreams had been getting more and more vivid. That dream felt real. More real than any of my other dreams.
I lay back down and try to go back to sleep. But after five minutes of trying, I sit back up. Creeping across my room, I'd almost made it to my laptop when I triped on my fuzzy pink rug. Luckily, the rug muffled the sound.
I head back over to my bed after retrieving my computer. Once on my bed, I sit cross-legged and wait for my computer to load. Once it's loaded, I direct it to Google. I know this is a silly idea, but it's worth a try.
In the address bar, I type in: 'My dreams are really vivid; what is it?' As it loads, I have a sinking feeling that no results will come up. But to my surprise, I'm wrong.
*I don't own Google.
*Sorry! This is a repost so I can link all of the chapters together.
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Love it. Beautiful description. I might change the title though, it sounds a little cliche, which isn't fair at all to this story.
Thank you! I know... I'm thinking about changing all of the titles of all three of the books. (it's a trilogy) If you have any suggestions for titles, let me know!
You can be whatever you want to be if you believe in yourself~Me! WRITE NOT FIGHT!
This is really good! By the way, since you said that you don't onw Google, what some people do is they make a name similar to it. For instance, in Archie comics, instead of saying ebay, they say ebuy, and instead of saying ron man, they say iron guy or something...maybe you coulst try Moogle? :P Or goggle.
Anyways, this was really really awesome. You have amazing talent. Just one thing: when I was reading the Art of War for Writers, James scott Bells said to never start a book witha dream, and that you should save those for when it's the middle of the book, when the reader knows the character more. Of course, we've all heard of books where the author starts with a dream, but um...(ie Harry Potter: that happened in about the fouth book when we already know Harry) I don't know...that's just was Bell said. So ermm...yeah.
AMAZING JOB!!!!!!
TACOS FOR YOU :)
"Nobody can prevent you from choosing to be exceptional" - Mark sanborn
I think that, as long as the beginning is vivid and hooks the reader, dreams are great for introductions. But that's just my opinion. :)
This is really good! I love your word choice and description. A+ writing!
Do you want to be a slave to your power, or a soldier to it? Stand up, Saber, and fight back. ~Saber of the Guard: http://www.kidpub.com/book-page-or-chapter/saber-guard-summary-and-prolo...
Yeah, I agree. I used to think dreams weren't okay though, but after reading some of the reviews on Bell's books, I figured I should really be taking advice from someone who is actually popular -_-
I still have to read this. It's been on my list for a while. *face palm* I blame it on my awesome procrastination skills. I think I'll go read this again either tonight or some time tomorrow.
"No matter how strong and firm one appears, the cracks are always there." -Mingling Souls, K.R. Galvin
LOVE IT!!!!
.~ HARPER~.
Thanks!
You never know how far a little kindness will go~Rachel Joy Scott WRITE NOT FIGHT!
It's great! :) I really like it! :)
Oooh! This is cool!
Be L oyal O bedient V irtuous E ncouraging
AAAAAAAAH AMAZING I ABSOLUTELY LOVE IT!!! I'll read the next chapter as soon as I can!!!
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Imagination is wealth that cannot be stolen.
CUPCAKES ARE WANNA-BE MUFFINS!!!! -Peppermint
WOW! You have a definate gift for detail. It's almost liek I'm standing there...the best detail is the aqua blue colored grass. It gives the work this kind of characer that no one else has. i mean seriously, who can think of aqua blue grass? It's a mark of a good author :)
Every great dream begins with a dreamer. Always remember, you have within you the strength, the patience, and the passion to reach for the stars to change the world.
ABSOLUTELY AMAZING . . . BREATHTAKING! What else can I say?
~ Mallory
be L oyal O bedient V irtuous E ncouraging
Incredibly realistic! You really can catch scences and make them come alive. As for the title, I think I'd call it : Dreamer Alive. Doesn't that just ring with mystery?
- unknown comment lover
EVERYBODY DESERVES COMMENTS! JOIN THE MOVEMENT!
AMAZING! Faving, love the desciptions, and the order of this story. you don't jmp around like some stories do, and you leave us with a totaly Cliff hanger at the end. Sorry I haven't commented until now :( LOVE THIS!
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http://www.kidpub.com/story/story-wall-promised-comments-plz-read-94194193 <<< Who doesn't like comments? Find out if you are elidgible for your story to be po
Please read this Rachel!
http://www.kidpub.com/story/who-vanishing-shadow-everyone-kp-needs-read-94294250
-Izelle
"Your father doesn't identify you. You identify yourself." -The Crestonian Dream
LOOOOVE IT!!!! Your word choices let me imangine what was happening!!!!
"Using your knowledge of Latin Root words, please explain the following word:" "But I have no knowledge of Latin Root words!"~Me, yelling at the computer during a test
...this isn't like my SummerLand. And i'd never steal someone's work/ideas. I made up SummerLand when I was 7. It's my own little world.
I have two websites. My writing website is www.writersbleedink.weebly.com and my warrior cats rpg website is www.pastclan.weebly.com For awesome Sims stories starring me and my bff kelly, click on this: http://owlsgohoot.weebly.com/garfunkiel-house.html
Yeah, I know. I'm really sorry bout that. I know you'd never steal something. I'm sorry.
I guess I'm just a little overreactive. *Facepalm*
*~Dreamwalker~*The First in the Trilogy
LOL its ok
I have two websites. My writing website is www.writersbleedink.weebly.com and my warrior cats rpg website is www.pastclan.weebly.com For awesome Sims stories starring me and my bff kelly, click on this: http://owlsgohoot.weebly.com/garfunkiel-house.html
OMG I LOVE IT!!!
Forget Bieber Fever- now it's Hayes Daze! Never heard of this amazing singer?? Go look him up! Hunter Hayes, everyone!
LOVE IT!
Forget Bieber Fever- now it's Hayes Daze! Never heard of this amazing singer?? Go look him up! Hunter Hayes, everyone!
Thanks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D
*~Dreamwalker~*The First in the Trilogy
Here's the review Rachel! Hope you like it.
http://www.kidpub.com/book-review/dreamwalker-505106196
~Good friends are like four leaf clovers, lucky to have and hard to find. ~
[Standing on a cliff edge]
Jack Sparrow: You know that feeling you get when you're standing in a high place... sudden urge to jump?... I don't have it.
This is awesome! Great chapter. :)
S.W.A.G ( Something We Asians Got)~ A Hateful Love by Mochi Monster!!
i just searched 'my dreams are very vivid; what is it and there were about
6,880,000 results. google never fails! XDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDXD
95% would cry if Justin Bieber was about to jump off a tall building. 4% would be eating popcorn yelling "DO A BACKFLIP!" If you are in the 1% that would climb up the building and push him off, put this in your sig. spread the comments!!!
this is an ENJOYTERIFABLE read!!!
the idea is nice, i think i've had dreams thta seem real like that before.. the description of the different paths was.....amazing!
C.C. (to get it over with!)
1. instead of "but find it i can't' , maybe you could just put " but i can't find it."
and that's all i have! you have succeeded in passing my grammar radar XD
"i find television very educational; whenever someone turns it on, i leave the room and read."- Groucho Marx "Actually if a writer needs a dictionary he should not write. He should have read the dictionary at least three times from beginning to end and
Tootise Roll- Haha, I think I searched that once too, but I didn't look at the search results. XD Would that be creepy/epic if that website really DID come up? XD
Luna Eclipse- Thank you very much!!!!!!!!! :D And THANK YOU FOR THE CC!!!!!!!!!! :D
*~Dreamwalker~*The First in the Trilogy
your very very welcome! i love giving C.C.
"i find television very educational; whenever someone turns it on, i leave the room and read."- Groucho Marx "Actually if a writer needs a dictionary he should not write. He should have read the dictionary at least three times from beginning to end and
I like the title actually ;)
Okay first step to revision is editing, for example "These figures have the outline of a human body," two figures can not have the outline of "a" human body. ;)
Second step is fixing sentences. In the first sentence you say "completely and utterly" which is rather redundant. Just go through the entire chapter and revise sentences.
Third step is synonyms. Vivid-ify verbs, garnish adjectives. Second paragraph you use "big." In my opinion, this is a word you should NEVER use in description. replace it with a more exciting adjective like "towering." Also,. a common mistake for writers is noun-ifying verbs. For example "The fourth has strips of rainbow colored light running down it." could be amended as "The fourth glistens with strips of rainbow-colored light." Whenever you have a dry verb such as to be, to have, etc, try and think if you can rearrange the sentence to put the action in the verb.
Hope I helped ;)
Yes, that helps a lot. :D Thanks for the CC....I'm just about to comment on yours.
*~Dreamwalker~*The First in the Trilogy
This is a brilliant story! ONTO CHAPTER TWO!!
*~* C.Y.B.O.R.G. Are You ready to fight? Remember all the sadness and frustration and let it go... -- Linkin Park
I love this so far. Continue.
I finally found this! YAY!!!!
Anyway.
HUZZAHTHISISAWESOME!!!!! Your description makes me envious!!! I love how you started this, very intriguing. :D GREAT JOB!!!! Also, how you made this story in present tense makes it seem like its happening right now. THAT IS SOOOOOO COOL!!! I dunno, I really can't do present tense..... :P
WHAT DOES SHE FIND??? (I'm guessing that she's a girl from the furry pink rug.....) :P *sprints off to read more*
Great job, Rachel! YOU'VE GOT ANOTHER FOLLOWER! :D
God is good ALL THE TIME!! (Even when life just plain stinks...) SMEAGOL!!!! O_O
THANK YOU! :D
Haha, thanks! Yeah, present tense takes a little while to get used to.....:P It's different, but I find it fun. ^_^
And yes, it's a girl. :D You'll just have to read to find out what she finds. :P
Thanks for reading! :)
*~Dreamwalker~*The First in the Trilogy
"Harry Potter. The boy who lived.....come to die." ~Voldemort (Harry Potter 7 part 2)