Electric October~Ch1~to Kyle *UnEdited Version*
in the quest for the next great Prophicy (and back!)
AN: This is a story I'm currently working on. Is it okay for me to use it, since it isn't new?
Running.
It was something simple, something I'd been doing all my life. Usually for no important reason, but now I was doing it to save my life. I was being chased and I didn't know why.
"You can't escape Tori! There isn't a way out of your mind, even you must know that!" voices swirled around me. Where were they coming from?
"Stop!" I screamed.
I gasped. I was on the edge of a cliff, about to fall. The voices sounded closer and closer, now appearing as shimmering images of people.
I couldn't run anymore.
I jumped up in my seat. I'd been having dreams like that, with shimmering colored light that talks, severe electric storms and these weird kids that I guessed were my age - the early teen years. For the first, and maybe last, I was glad to be in the boring Math classroom. I focused on the blank white walls, the biege carpet, and the annoying, somewhat creepy, educational video playing on the projector.
Then I turned around. My enemy, Sophia Orama, and my teacher, Mr. Hansen, staring at me. Sophia looked estatic, while Mr. Hansen's round face was bright red, making him look like a perfect tomato.
"Miss Saber, were you paying attention?" he asked.
"Uh, yeah!" I lied.
"Then why were your eyes closed?" his complexion now stepped up to purple.
"Err... I was praying! Praying that this movie would be burned in to my memory!" I gave Mr. Hansen my biggest smile, the one where it shows all my teeth.
He shrugged. "Eh. Okay."
Mr. Hansen walked back to his seat, and since I hadn't gotten caught, it was Sophia's turn to become a tomato.
I turned back to the movie, not paying attention to either of them. As soon as I did, I felt like I was stabbed with a pin. I raised my hand to my face, and sure enough, there was a small hole and a drop of my blood on my index finger.
"Huh?" I whispered.
While I was staring at my finger, I felt a rope tighten around my wrist. I grabbed at it, but nothing was there. I felt myself being pulled, and was now seriously freaked out.
"Um, Mr. Hansen!" I shouted. "I'm going to get a drink of water!" With that I was tugged from the classroom.
Unable to resist the pull, I was tugged outside of the school. Wonderful, this meant a service for me.
"Who's there?" I shouted.
A girl materialized in front of me, and the pull dropped. She had short dark brown hair, blueish gray eyes, was slightly tan, and wearing a normal tank top and jeans.
She was one of the weird kids from the dream, the one that could make these, uh, magical, things happen.
"Is your name Tori Saber?" she asked.
I think she was trying to sound professional, but she sounded the complete oppisite.
"Yeah..." I said, scared.
"Then grab my hand."
I nervously gripped her, and the ground beneath us became a swirling portal, complete with the magic glitter. We fell through.
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This is AMAZING! I love it, great job, your writing is both funny, creepy, and realisitic! I totally felt like I was Tori! AMAZING! OMG MORE!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Duct tape. What makes the world go round. Along with ice cream, chocolate, bubbles, and tacos.
Very exciting Bree! And don't worry, as long as it was written by you, it's eligible to go into the contest.
Thank you! But I might not post the whole thing.
If most of your favorite charecters are villans, put this in your sig so you can creep people out.
Save the trees. Start by not doing homework.
That's okay! (SHHHHHH!!!!! Secret time!) You got a perfect 25 out of 25. But IMMAVampireDiariesFan has 93, so just keep publishing random stories.
Yay! Can you use your old stories?
If most of your favorite charecters are villans, put this in your sig so you can creep people out.
Save the trees. Start by not doing homework.
Yeah. As long as you wrote the story, it's okay.
This is quite a change Bree! Awesome job all the same!
Imagination stays alive.
Very nice! I really dig the opening, although it is a tad cliche, but I can brush that off. Your detail is good and your pacing is excellent.
Now, if there is any concern in this story (and trust me, there's hardly any concern!) is the narration. It seems a bit generic. I like Tori's quick-wit dialogue. You should include some of that in the narration. Other than that, it's very well done. :)
Authors, He thought, Even the sane ones are nuts. -Random Editor Dude from the Da Vinci Code
Thank you! This'll help me A LOT with editing it. :D
My mind + a sharpie marker. What's the worst thing that could happen?
No problem! Glad to help. You can request CC from me whenever you fancy.
Authors, He thought, Even the sane ones are nuts. -Random Editor Dude from the Da Vinci Code
great job! love the storyline, good suspense. if you could give more description, it will be perfect!!!
please comment on attention kidpubbers and ice : chapters 1----- *harry potter rules!* link for awesome exciting thing to read and pleeeeeezzzzeee comment on!! http://www.kidpub.com/book-page-or-chapter/happy-birthday-whoever-you-ar...
Thank you for the CC! :D
My mind + a sharpie marker. What's the worst thing that could happen?
I just re-read this, and I LOVED THIS BREE! I CAN'T WAIT TO READ IT WHEN IT'S PUBLISHED! Yeah, maybe some more description, and what Kazel said! CAN YOU PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE POST EXCERPTS?!
Remember kids: if sparkly vampires ever attack you, go get Bella Swan, they'll go gaga over her and leave you alone! ~ Kyle
Yes, excerpts!
"You can't always expect my usual brand of stupidity. I like to mix it up, keep you on your toes." -Patrick Star
“Sanity and happiness are an impossible combination.” -Mark Twain
This is so amazing and full of suspense!
"Writing is the only thing that, when I do it, I don't feel I should be doing something else." ------Gloria Steinem
I never had any doubts about my abilities. I knew I could write. I just had to figure out how to eat while doing this. -----------
E-P-I-C!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Bring a compass; it's awkward when you have to eat your friends :)