Elixir ch 5

Duisternis is tuning his bass guitar when I walk in. He doesn’t seem to notice my existence…not that I care anymore. I glance at the bathroom—think of slitting my wrists and ending this torment called ‘my life’—but look away and blare Sugarland on my iPod. Eventually I give up and go sit in the library till the dinner bell rings. I sit at a separate table from my ex-friends with the extremely emo girls and guys. One girl starts harmlessly flirting with me (I would usually be amazed that a girl is taking interest in me, but I am too depressed to feel anything except regret) but other than that the table is silent.

            Duisternis and K are blabbering about who-knows-what and Natt keeps glaring at me. I swear he mouthed b@stard at me. Really? He hates me that much? I’m about to open the door when I look back at my ex-friends and see K. and Duisternis making out. WHAT THE HELL! It takes every fiber of my being to not go over there and rip his head off. I storm back to my dorm and lock the door preventing the backstabber from getting in. I think of making him sleep in the hall. It’s not like I could get in worse trouble. Then again, if I let him come in I can give him a piece of my mind. And what a piece of my mind he’s going to get. I unlock the door.

            First he has to utterly reject me, and then kiss the girl he knows I really like? And if that’s not enough the girl has to slap me and call me a creep. To top it all off neither Omicida nor the headmistress will kill me and just end this anguish filled existence I lead. I could just do the job myself and jump off the roof, but then I’d be remembered as the emo guy who killed himself. A year ago a guy hung himself with the gyms climbing rope. Nobody gave him sympathy; they just spread the news that a guy killed himself. Nobody even remembers his name. I don’t want to end up like him. I decide to stay alive…for now at least.

            Duisternis walks in ten minutes later. I start casually. “So…isn’t K. your first girlfriend? I never knew you liked her. I mean a few days ago you were in love with Zemmy and today,” I stand from my chair, harden my expression, look him in the eyes and scream at him, “I see you making out with the girl you know I’ve fallen for!”

            “It doesn’t take long to fall for someone. The night you told us about ripening, the night I saw the look of complete fear and fragility in her eyes, was when it started. And today made me realize how fragile she really is and how much she needs someone.”

            “So you don’t like her, but you feel sorry for her so you play boyfriend.”

            “I do like her, Tod! I know you do too but you are a failure in Romance 101. You are pushing this too far! Girls are brittle creatures. They shatter. K. is near breaking point with you pressuring her so much. She spent the rest of the afternoon curled up in a fetal position, crying into my shoulder. Then I kissed her and she instantly stopped crying and kissed me back. The feeling was indescribable. I am falling in love with her.”

            I lose it again and yell at him even louder than before. “You’ve fallen in love with her?! You know I’m in love with her! How can you two be together! You are a conspirator, Duisternis! You have been in love with her all along haven’t you! Now Natt and K. hate me and I can’t even trust you anymore!” I storm out of the dorm and Duisternis follows me.

            “Tod, you’re overreacting! Where are you going?”

            “The roof.”

            “Why the hell are you going to the roof?”

            “Because there’s no reason to stay alive.”

            “Don’t tell me you’re going to jump off the freakin’ roof!”

            “Try and stop me.” I open the door to the stairwell that goes to the roof and start heading up the stairs. Duisternis follows me.            “Tod! Get back here! You can’t kill yourself because of one fight!”

            “It’s not the fight. It’s what happened because of it. Don’t you know that you, Natt, and K were the only thing good in my life? Now you all hate me. I made K cry, Natt called me a stalker, and you wouldn’t even talk to me earlier. Let me die! You won’t miss me.”

            “None of us hate you! You’re my best friend I don’t want you to die.” I burst through the door and stand on the edge of the roof. It is a two story drop. It’ll all be over soon. I am about to jump when Duisternis grabs my arm.

            “Don’t do this.” He says.

            “Please. I want to.”

            “Natt, come up on the roof now…it’s a life or death situation…just come, and bring K.” I look back and see Duisternis hang up his cell phone.

            “Don’t bring them into this. They don’t care.”

            “They do care. Please come back off the edge.”

            “How about you let go of my arm and let me die.”

            “I’ll let go if you promise to not jump to your death.”

            I cross my fingers. “I promise.” He lets go. I turn around to face him, smile, say “Bye, Duisternis.” close my eyes and jump. When I realize I’m not falling I open my eyes and see Duisternis holding my hand and keeping me from plummeting to my death.

            “Oh my God, you really are serious.” He says.

            “Please let go.”

            “What’s going on?” I hear Natt’s voice from the roof top.

            “Natt, K, help me pull him up!”

            I see Natt and K. looking down over the edge.

            “Tod?” K. asks.

            “Help me pull him up! I can’t hold on much longer!” Duisternis says.

            K. and Natt both grabbed my arm and yanked me back up on the roof. “Did he fall?” K. asks.

            “No, I’m trying to die! Now let me jump and don’t catch me this time!”

            “Tod, what’s wrong with you? You’ve never been suicidal before.”

            “You all hate me. You are the only things I have and you hate me! Give me one reason not to jump off this building.”

            “Here’s your reason: none of us hate you!” K. says.

            “You don’t? Think of what he’s done to you! He won’t stop coming onto you, he made you cry, and he brings us all into situations that could get us killed! Right now I hate him. I thought you did too, K!” Natt blurts out.

            “I thought I did too. Until he decided to commit suicide.” K. says.

            “He can go over Hoover Dam in a barrel for all I care!”

            “Don’t you mean Niagara Falls?” Duisternis asks.

            “People have survived going over Niagara Falls, no one has survived going over Hoover Dam.” Natt explains.

            “Just let me jump!” I just want this to end! I stand and run for the edge, but Duisternis and K. grab me before I leap. Why can’t they just let me die! They don’t really care. Natt wants me to die. That’s enough for me. “Let me go!”

            “Please, Tod! I don’t want you to die! You’re one of my best friends!” K sounds close to tears. That’s almost enough to make me rethink killing myself.

            “I can’t believe you’re saying this!” Natt bursts. I feel about ready to pull him off the roof with me.

            “Natt! You’re not helping!” Duisternis says.

            “Yes I am! If he wants to die I’ll push.”

            “Natt, I’m beginning to really hate you right now! How about you just leave.” K suggests.

            “Maybe I will. Tell me if he’s dead in the morning.” Natt storms away.

            K grabs my hand. “Tod, look into my eyes. I don’t hate you…”She grabs Duisternis’s hand, “We don’t hate you.”

            “I’m begging you, I want to do this. Let me jump.”

            “Just come downstairs.” Duisternis says.

            “Okay, then I’ll jump at midnight when you’re asleep, or maybe tomorrow, no matter what I will die as soon as I can.”

            “As long as I live and breathe you will too.” Duisternis said.

            “Well, good luck with that.” I get up and head back to the dorm. I still want to die, but I want sleep first. I’m exhausted. I throw on my PJ’s and crawl into bed. I’m asleep instantly and don’t wake up till my alarm buzzes at 6:00a.m. The first thing I see is Duisternis sitting at the desk. He looks exhausted and he has huge dark bags under his eyes. “How long have you been awake?” I ask him.

            “Since I came downstairs last night.” He mumbles. I can tell he’s exhausted.

            “You stayed up all night? Why?”

            “To make sure you didn’t kill yourself.”

            “You lost a whole night’s sleep to make sure I wasn’t dead by morning?”

            “You’re my best friend. Is it really that much of a surprise?”

            “Yes and you need to get some sleep.”

            “I can’t sleep. Classes are in two hours.”

            “I’ll tell Mr. ED you’re sick. You have to get some sleep.” Duisternis nods. Ed isn’t the teacher’s name. It’s an acronym for emotionally disturbed. All the students call him this behind his back because he has scars on his wrists, never smiles, always complains about life, and every other thing that qualifies him as emo.

            So I head to classes alone. I tell Mr. ED that Duisternis has some sort of stomach bug and should be back tomorrow. I sit in my desk and listen to the teacher drone on about what the moon is made of. I mean exactly what the moon is made of. I didn’t take notes, I spaced out. Maybe I’ll jump at lunch, maybe after school. Maybe I’ll stay alive…ya, not going to happen.

At lunch I grab two plates of food and head up to the dorm. Duisternis is still asleep when I get there. I set the food on the desk and shake Duisternis’s shoulder. He jumps up, yelps, and falls off the bed. We both break out in side splitting laughter. Once Duisternis finally stops ROFL-ing I hand him the plate of chicken nuggets. “So how is school?” Duisternis asks.

“Boring. I wasn’t paying attention.”

“Do you still want to commit suicide?” His light mood evaporated.

I thought for a second. Duisternis doesn’t hate me; K. is questionable, and Natt wants to gut me like a fish. I guess I could go on. “Not really.”

“Have you made a move on K. yet today?”

My face gets hot and I can feel the anger raging inside me. “How the hell can you even say that?! We haven’t even spoken yet today!”

There is a knock on the door. I open it and K. is in the doorway. “I heard Duisternis was sick; I wanted to see how he’s doing.” She says.

“Hi K! Actually, I’m not sick at all. I pulled an all-nighter and need some sleep.” Duisternis somehow ends up next to me.

“Oh, baby, I’m so glad to hear that!” She wraps her arms around Duisternis and kisses him. Baby? Did she really just call him baby? The worst part is Duisternis kisses back.

“I finished your song, candy apple! Do you want to hear it?” Her song? When did he write a whole song for K? Also, candy apple? Where did that come from? I’m obviously being ignored so I back away into the room and sit on my bed. K. and Duisternis come in behind me. K. sits on Duisternis’s bed while he sets up his guitar. He then joins K. on the bed. He starts strumming and singing some sappy song about young love and how it has changed his life and blabbity blabbity bleh. Soon the bell rings. Duisternis yawns and crawls back under the covers while K. and I go back to class.

“Duisternis is so talented! That song was amazing! I feel like the luckiest girl on the planet!” She is so giddy with the way she says it I expect her to randomly start singing that “I feel pretty” song or whatever it’s called from West Side Story and go twirling down the hall.

K’s huge cheesy smile and far-away look crashes when Natt comes up to us. “Whatever you have to say no one wants to hear it.” K. says sternly.

“I came to apologize for acting like a total butthead last night. I didn’t mean any of that. Can you forgive me?” He says to me.

“Hmm…possibly.”

We all walk into class and take our seats. One kid isn’t there and I have a feeling we’ll never see him again. I don’t pay attention this half of school either. When class is over I go straight to the dorm. I open the door and see Duisternis sitting up, knees pulled to his chest, blanket around his shoulders, a look of terror on his face, and shivering violently. “Damn, Duisternis, what happened?” I say.

“Help me.” His voice is so quiet I can hardly hear it.

“What happened?” I repeat.

“I…I…the headmistress said I…Oh God help me!” His voice is the slightest bit louder.

“What did she say? Did she threaten to kill you? I swear the next time I see her I’m going to go all ninja assassin!”

“She didn’t threaten to kill me.” His voice was normal volume now but there was an eerie hollowness to it.
            “Then what did she say?”

“I can’t.”

“Why not?”

“She said if I told anyone she would kill K.”

None of us said anything after that. I didn’t bother doing my homework. What’s the point I mean seriously? And how can you focus on schoolwork when there is something wrong with your best friend that has him too scared to move? Duisternis doesn’t go to dinner, and he refuses to eat the food I bring up for him. That evening he is so quiet he seems to disappear. The next morning he is gone completely, as in his bed is empty and I can’t find him anywhere in the damn school. If a kid has ripened the teacher always tells the class. The teacher says nothing. That means only one thing. Duisternis is dead.