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True Velvet - Part l *The Story of two sophisticated people, a murder, and a bloody knife*

True Velvet - Part l *The Story of two sophisticated people, a murder, and a bloody knife*

Vanilla48's picture
by Lucky
in the bathroom. You gotta go when you gotta go! :P

A/N: this is the first time for mysteries for me, so please don't make fun of me! :) Comment please. Criticizm needed! And also, sorry it's so short! I need to keep the suspense fresh...

Mr. Helmsworth smiled.

The fire in the fireplace was crackling and Mr. Palmers, sitting right across Mr. Helmsworth, nodded. He puffed out of the cigar and said, "Robert, I have a favor for you."

Robert Helmsworth took a sip of coffee. "Yes?"

Mr. Franklin Palmers slipped a yellow envelope into Mr. Helmsworth's hand. "It's about Rita Grumardi."

Rita Grumardi was a rich Italian that blackmailed Mr. Palmer and Mr. Helmsworth's family for their money.

Again, Mr. Helmsworth smiled.

"All in a day's work, Franklin, all in a day's work," he remarked.

 

Two days later, AnnaMaria Grumardi, Rita's daughter, was murdered. She was stabbed in the chest.

All the evidence was a bloody knife left on the floor, a broken glass of water, and a picture of Rita Grumardi.

There were no fingerprints left behind.


See more stories by Lucky
good job except that instead

good job except that instead of just saying that someone was killed, you should describe the murder in either the murderer or the victims mind.  Or maybe even someone else's mind and describe how they felt when they heard that the person was murdered.

 

Keep writing,

                        AlexaK

Posted by Alexa<333 on Fri, 01/15/2010 - 13:19
This is really good so far.

This is really good so far. It's short but still tells a lot about what's going on. Write more!

Posted by Shaelyn on Fri, 01/15/2010 - 18:32
thsi is a bit off tpoic but

thsi is a bit off tpoic but I think you should lose the one tame and one wild on the title. Because I can just see that on a real book underneath the title but the one tame and one wild threw me off.

It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye. Then it's just a game, find the eye.-SergantMcFluffers

You call it slacking...I call it dedicated inactivity!-SergantMcFluffers

Keep staring at this quote it might just do something...-Me

Posted by Ninja Cat on Fri, 01/15/2010 - 22:17
This is nice! Lovin' it,

This is nice! Lovin' it, really. :D

I'd not make much suggestions here, except of that one golden rule, "show not tell". Other than that, I love this. :D

~>Gingy.

"Worrying is a waste of imagination." ~My brother

Posted by just me, g!ngy. on Sun, 01/17/2010 - 20:21


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