Bully - part one

I scuffed my old trainers on the curb as I walked along the pavement, staring at the ground. Mum had forgotten that it was my first day at school. Typical. She's still asleep, or at least she was when I left. Ever since Dad left she stopped trying to get a job. No wonder we had to move again, this new flat is even smaller! Mum promised to walk me to school this morning: I wish she would keep her promises. I arrived at the hostile looking bars that surrounded my new school at what I guessed to be about ten minutes late. Not a good start.

I slowly made my way across the barren tarmac playground to the gaping front doors. They creaked alarmingly as I pushed them open, and the corridor appeared to be empty. I slowly advanced down it, catching snippets of conversation from various classrooms. Eventually I found the office, and was directed to room thirty-seven with a raised eyebrow. I shuffled slowly down the labyrinths of corridors until a severe looking teacher took me down the third corridor on the left, then to the sixth door on the right. She knocked loudly, then swept away, leaving me to face the angry-looking teacher who awaited me.

"Come in."

I pushed tentatively at the door and it swung back willingly on its hinges, revealing thirty pairs of eyes all staring in my direction.

"Ah." said a prim looking teacher gazing down her register, "Samantha, isn't it?" I nodded. "Well you'd better come and sit down! I'll make allowances for you this time. As you're new." and with that, she turned back to the black board and resumed her teaching
without a word of explanation.

At morning break I got a couple of sideways glances, but no one seemed to want to talk to me. I slowly made my way around the perimeter of the playground, waiting and hoping for someone to even notice me. But the large gaggles of girls never loosened and no one gave me an invitation to join them.

Day after day passed in this manner. Occasionally, I tried talking to someone, but they just shuffled of with a quick, "hi." In class it was even worse. Mrs Haley never left me alone! She was always asking me questions which she knew I could not answer, and there was often an unpleasant titter from the other children as I sit there, slouched in my chair, trying to look up an answer under Mrs Haley's watchful eye.

Every day after school, I found Mum in her sagging armchair with the small, black and white television in front of her: the floor littered with crisp packets and empty whisky bottles. She was often drunk, and she sometimes asked me something like, "Where've you been then?" without much concern.

Everything passed like clockwork until Lucy arrived, about a week after I did. I had decided to come in a bit earlier that day, or Mrs Haley would probably have my head. In the centre of the playground, there was a gathering of girls, all of them admiring Lucy. She had sophisticate, styled blond hair and I immediately hated everything from her polished black shoes, to her sparkly butterfly earrings. I was evidently the only one. She stood there in the centre of attention, looking slightly meek, but evidently enjoying it. In class, she turned out to have already covered the topics we were doing, and sat at the back with some of her new friend doing 'special work' as Mrs Haley put it.

I could already feel the poisoned barbs of jealousy prickling through my body. At break she was surrounded by a group of admirers; showing off her mobile phone and her designer bag. Why was she so special? Sure, she was pretty, and clever and all the rest of it; but I wanted friends too! I kicked the solitary playground tree in my anger. It was not fair! Just because I was ugly, and fat: no one wanted to be my friend. My jealousy must have doubled when I saw her parents dropping her off outside the gates the next day. They hugged her and kissed her, gave her lots of money to spend on her lunch and did numerous other embarrassing things. Not that I wanted my parents hugging and kissing me in front of everyone, but I could not help thinking about Mum. I even heard them say that if she is unhappy 'she can come straight back home.'

It must have been about her second day when it all became unbearable. It was at first break when I found myself alone with her in the toilets. She smiled at me, but I did not return it. Unable to control myself, I said to her, "Think you can just waltz in here and expect everyone to be your friend?! Well it doesn't work that way, Lucy."

She looked quite shocked, but stood her ground, so I carried on, "Bet Mummy gave you loads of dinner money." I was getting carried away now; I just could not stop myself. Mum had of course forgotten my money. I plunged my hand deep inside her jacket pocket, and produced a neatly folded five-pound note, along with a few coins. She grabbed my hand, but she was powerless to stop me; I was so much bigger and stronger than she was. I stood there for a few seconds and silence elapsed between us, before I lost my nerve and ran.
I'm not sure if she told anybody about it. I did get some very cold looks from some of her friends, but nothing more. I did not spend the dinner money. I did not know what to do with it. What if someone found out I had it and uncovered the truth? The coins jingled accusingly in my pocket. After dithering a few seconds on the spot, I quickly took the money out of my pocket and flung it into the drain before I could change my mind.

I was feeling particularly malicious after our first big test. Everyone was surrounding Lucy and congratulating her on her 'A'. I had found it so hard: I wonder what her friends would have done if she had failed. They probably would have been telling her not to worry and that she could do better next time. I started down and the 'F, not good enough.' written on my test, then tore it into tiny pieces. I was so mad that lunchtime. Lucy got into lunch early because she was new, and I found the cloakrooms deserted. My head was full of a vicious envy that would not go away. It tore at my heart and brought tears to my stinging eyes. I ran outside, took a handful of soggy brown leaves and mud that lined the playground, and stuffed them into that designer bag so hard, that one of the seams split. I shoved them inside every page of her schoolbooks, then felt something else. I pulled out a leather bound book from the back pocket of her bag. It was her diary. Quickly, I stuffed it in my pocket and ran as hard as I could across to the other end of the playground, the little book tapping against my leg so I could not ignore it.

When I found a private corner, I carefully unfolded the slightly muddy pages. It was pretty boring really. It was all about her worries and woes about going to a state school and her parents not being able to afford the private school anymore. My hands gripped the small book so hard that I was afraid the pages might rip as I read about: how worried she was about her parents, how they were being so encouraging and doing as much as they possibly could for her . . . I snapped (more like squelched) the book shut. I could not bare it. Why wouldn't my parents do that? Why doesn't my Mum give me lunch money, or drive me to school, or show any other signs that she cares about me!

I threw the diary into the thick hedge as I saw Lucy approaching with a few of her friends. I brushed passed her close enough for her to hear me quote from her diary in a squeaky voice, "I don't think Samantha likes me very much, she never seems to smile!" Lucy spun round to stare at me. I gave her a malicious smile that mirrored my thoughts, and walked away.

There was a bit of a problem over Lucy's bag. It was rather evident that everybody knew it was me. It made me feel twice as culpable, however, when no one told on me. Mrs Haley stared around the class, holding up the sopping bag: and the class glared accusingly at me, but said nothing.

That night I just could not sleep. Sometimes I thought that I should apologise to Lucy, but I quickly stamped out that idea. It was their fault. Lucy and all those other girls at school. Why did no one like me? I did try to be friendly, at first anyway, and they just ignored me. When Lucy came along, it was Lucy this and Lucy that, everybody liked her straight away. What has she got that I have not got? I heard my Mum snoring loudly in the next room. A decent family at least. Tears spilled down my cheeks and I buried my face in my pillow.

The next day, my jealousy drove me to extremes. Lucy had been voted form captain that morning, winning every vote accept my one. Mrs Haley asked her to take the register to the office. I promptly asked to go to the toilet and was released from the classroom. I followed her to the office, keeping a reasonable distance behind, green envy burning in my smarting eyes. When she reached the office there was no one there, so she left the register on the desk. I stepped out and blocked the door so she could not get past. She soon gave up trying to side step me, and looked up into my eyes. I could not believe what she did next. She just burst into tears. For a fleeting second I felt so guilty that I forget about my jealousy. I had made her so unhappy. But only a fleeting second. She had made me unhappy; her and everybody else.

She said to me, in her smallest, squeakiest little voice, "Please don't do anything." I stared down at her. I could almost see her thoughts behind her mask of tears. 'You wouldn't dare.' she seemed to be saying, almost challenging me. 'You wouldn't dare, you wouldn't dare, you wouldn't d . . .'

I cannot believe that I did it. It was like a dam had broken inside me. I was completely out of control. My vision blurred, or maybe became too sharp for me to see properly, as I struck her with all my strength. My hand punched her head with tremendous force, and I staggered backwards, stunned. I stared at her motionless form, lying on the floor of the office. I must have knocked her out.

Panic coursed through my veins. What could I do? I ran out of the school building, and was halfway towards the gates, when I stopped and thought it over. If I went back to the classroom, no one could possibly connect me with the incident. No one saw what happened! So I shuffled slowly back. I tried to act as nonchalant as possible as I sidled back into the classroom, but I must have looked quite scared.

"How long does it take you to go to the toilet, Samantha?" Mrs Haley asked accusingly. I tried to look indifferent as I sat down in my seat, though I was horribly aware that I was sweating all over.

They would have found out eventually: it was inevitable. I was so stupid, why did it not occur to me that Lucy could tell them who hit her? At least she was all right; I did not hurt her that badly really. I knew I was going to be excluded from the school though. Everybody knew it; and I cannot say that I was that sorry. I was sick and tired of this school anyway. Mum was supposed to come to this serious talk with the head mistress, but she did not turn up, so I had to have the lecture alone.

I wondered what my next school was going to be like. Well, whatever it was like, I was determined to make a better impression. Maybe even make some friends if I was lucky. As I exited the cast iron gates for the last time, I saw Lucy's parents hugging her tight and examining the bruise on her forehead. They were talking to the head mistress and looked very angry. I was willing to bet that Lucy was not going to be at this school much longer either. Then something very strange happened. She smiled at me. After all I had done to her. I do not think there was anyone else in the world who would have done. Without really thinking about it, I smiled back. It was then that I realised what a good friend I could have had.