When Moma Says She Loves You, Someone Will Die

Do you know what it's like? What it's actually like, not what your friends say it's like. Not what social workers say it's like. Not what the moron in charge of the receiving home says it's like. What it's actually like. Do you know the pain? Do you know the suffering? I do. I have my whole life and chances are I'll remember it for the rest of my life. Have you felt what I feel now? Have you experienced the sad predicament that I am a part of? I hope not. I hope that as you read this you don't have the slightest clue what I'm talking about. I wish I didn't know what I was talking about. I wish that I was just some crazy person who was just babbling on about nothing. I wish I was, but I'm not. I'm just not. Not even close. Sometimes I stay up late at night wondering "why me? Why me? Why me?" No one ever answers.

Let me explain, I'm stuck in a receiving home. It's where kids go when they can't go anywhere else. This is why John, Kelly, Joe Jr., and I are here. This is why all the kids are here. My three siblings and I were sent her two months ago. I remember every detail of it. I remember when the social worker knocked on our door and my heart stopped beating. I remember poor, little Joe Jr. crying his head off. Two year olds can cry, twelve year olds can't. John just stared at the wall. Kelly paced back and forth. Mama just talked to the woman. I knew it was time. The social worker, Miss Jenny, had been there before, but this was the time we would leave. I looked around my house one last time. It was filthy, cluttered, and falling apart, but I loved it. I looked at Momma one last time. She was filthy, cluttered, and falling apart, but I loved her. When Miss Jenny led us out to the police car that she had called in, I don't think I knew what was happening. I was just lost. Lost in a twisted and tangled maze with no way out.

I got by. So did Kelly and Joe Jr. John didn't. Though he's the oldest, almost fifteen, he was the most afraid. I was scared to, but I didn't show. Not in front of Kelly. Kelly's almost eight. She needs to know that the person she looks up to will always remain strong.

There's a swimming pool at the receiving home, but I don't care. There's a playground at the receiving home, but I don't care. There's possible friends at the receiving home, but I don't care. I'm still sad, and I don't think I'll ever not be.

Last month Momma came to visit us at the receiving home. She spent a few minutes with each of us. I was last. I could tell that she had been crying.

"So, do you like it here, Beth?" She asked.

"It's all right. Nothing special."

"They treating you good?"

"Yeah."

"That's good...Real good...Yup." I could tell that she didn't know what to say. "Well I have to go now. Bye."

"Yeah, bye." I replied. I knew that she didn't want to spend time with me. For a split second I hated her.

When she was half way out the door, she turned around. "Before I go I need to tell you something." I waited. Then she said very quietly, "I love you."

I didn't know what to say. She had never said this to me before. Before I got a chance to answer her, she was gone.

That was the last time I ever saw her. She died a week later. It was from heart failure. Everyone cried, especially John. Poor John. He's a wreck. I'm the only strong one. I was the only one who didn't cry. I just stood, and stared.

Now, let me tell you why I'm writing this. This morning I was looking through a book of poetry. A certain poem struck me. It says:

Life long lost
In the old winter frost
Days unheard
With an unspoken word
Not knowing truth
In my own destroyed youth
Lies being told
And me they have fooled
Who knows what is what
With a life that has been cut
Perhaps I'll never know
And I'll just stay dead, in woe

When I read this I knew what it meant. I understood it. I was it. So now I‘ll let whatever happens happen. I don't know what will happen. Know one does. All I know it that when Momma says she loves you, someone will die. Sure, this probably isn't true for you, but it was for me. When Momma lost her life, so did I. So did everyone. Joe Jr. and Kelly will come back to life someday, but John and I won't. We'll both be dead, forever and ever.