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Obi in London |
All I have to say is comment! Oh yeah, and in the next chapter or so a absoloutely MAJOR event happens. And NO Hannah and Aidan don't kiss or anything like that...........yet! Okay I'll let ya in, a girl from Carrack's Gang comes and then.........
Aidan Chapter 11
Soon they were right outside the house and Aidan finally noticed Hannah leaning against the wall, in her rugby kit.
“I thought that you can’t leave the match in your kit!” said Aidan.
“Not if you lie,” said Hannah coolly. Hannah was the lead singer, she had the lilting for voice of a angel.
Aidan smiled, he loved her devious side. He took out his key and unlocked the door, they all walked inside kicking off their shoes as they went straight to the basement. Aidan opened the door and flicked on the light, he descended first down the wooden stairs in the half light. He sat down on his leather drum stool and took the sticks from under the drums. Hannah picked up the microphone, and Tommy slung of his guitar bag and took out his guitar. He strummed a chord, the guitar base was stainless steel and redwood and the neck was made of varnished redwood and silver. Once everyone was in position they started playing. Colin and Clover came down to watch and listen as an audience, and at they end they clapped enthusiastically. They bowed and Hannah was blushing while Tommy performed his usual uncontrollable grin.
Aidan twirled his drum sticks and laughed, Hannah giggled back. She was an expert flirter, but in truth when ever she done that flirting thing it just made him really nervous and jumpy.
“Oh, sorry guy I gotta go. Have to get ready for the funeral!” gasped Hannah as she gestured to her watch.
“ ‘Kay, we’ll see ya later then?” muttered Aidan.
“Yeah sure, on Monday at school! Dur!” she slipped on her coat and ran up the stairs. Aidan heard the wooden rattle of the door close behind her.
Aidan said bye to Tommy Litt, and went upstairs to put on his tux. Aidan never wore tie, so he dressed smartly but kept his unique brand of style by being the only one not sporting a tie on his neck. Alan decided that it suited the occasion to drive to the funeral, something they rarely ever done. The Day family car was a old yellow banger called a Roaring Roan. The Roaring Roan was no longer road legal except in the province of McGilly, it’s engine was so raw that it heated the whole car and smoked when you revved hard enough. On the upside, it was extremely fast!
Soon the whole family was ready, dressed in black and white not a hair out of place. Except for Clover and Aidan. Aidan of course didn’t wear his tie, but Clover on the other hand wore a blood red evening dress with a dagger shaped pin through her hair. She stuck out like a sore thumb (that got dipped in red paint and then had a neon sign strapped to the knuckle)! They all got into the huge, old yellow car and took off down the dusty drive. Aidan had been looking into the murder of Deputy Chief Sean O’Connell, it had been all over the Lynnovian (the newspaper, handled by senior students at St. Lynn’s High School). He had read that a small not had been intercepted, saying that they were going to kill the next person today. To Aidan it seemed they had a system, but what could it be?
However, Aidan was a smart child and quickly discovered the pattern. Down at the Police Station, the small crew of constables had already realised…..
“Faber, ye can’t go. You’ll be shot dead on the spot,” pleaded Kirsten Miller, the only female constable on the force.
“I’d rather die a thousand deaths than not go to my friends funeral. I let him down once, and I will not do it again!” shouted Faber, he was a little drunk from last night and still had the fire of whisky in his blood and beer on the brain.
“Shut up Faber your drunk as a pint glass!” yelled Kirsten.
Faber staggered slightly, out into the court yard trying to appear sober. Three quarters of the village had come to pay their last respects to the deceased constable. Faber stood over the grave plot, and drunkenly shed tears through hysterical sobs. Kirsten and Pavlov pulled him back into the crowd and sat him down on a seat. Up in the on the turreted roof of the ancient stone church, Pallas a female sniper from Greece sat with her gun propped and ready. Her uncannily trained eagle eyes, observed the heartfelt sorrowful occasion through the aiming scope. Though she felt nothing, she was to focused on the job at hand. Once shot Faber would fall to the ground shocking many, as they looked in horror and Faber she would have two seconds. One second to quickly snipe Pavlov, and another to disappear before the crowd looked up.
COMMENT
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Hmmm.... Well, I didn't much
Hmmm....
Well, I didn't much like the band in this one; it seems to me like you're putting a lot of unneedless things here.
And no offense, but to be honest, I think you shouldn't let Aidan and Hannah get together. It's a bit too obvious, and the character I don't like very much (I hate flirty people, so it's not personal ;)
Anyway, your story. If you can do all the things you want to put in here, pull it off, and keep the reader's attention, go ahead, do it and be welcome!
Keep this going; put the 'confusing' level down a little and be sure to put commas in their right places (the last paragraph especially).
Keep writing, and thanks for all the comments on the Un-R P.
M
Thanks for the advise, it's
Thanks for the advise, it's really helpful, except most teenagers are quite flirty so I have to keep it real. Even in fiction!
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I enjoyed it, but I enjoy
I enjoyed it, but I enjoy way-too-obvious pairings, so...yeah. LOL. Anyway, nice work.
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"When life throws you lemons, throw them back!" - Joe Jonas
Thanks,
Thanks, Nickie!
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~ This is my website, you should check it out for medical reasons. http://ReddishBlacks.synthasite.com ~
I like it Obi but I kinda
I like it Obi but I kinda got confused about the car. You lost me the first time you said the name.
The Roaring Roan, is
The Roaring Roan, is basically a really dangerous, old car which isn't alowed in normal roads.
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~ This is my website, you should check it out for medical reasons. http://ReddishBlacks.synthasite.com ~