Aidan{18}

by Obi
in London

Sorry it's taken me so long, and sorry about the slight shortness, please comment!

Aidan Chapter 18

Aidan skulked off to the bathroom and quickly took a shower and shivered as he got out. He changed into his pyjamas and went to bed. That night Kirsten and Pavlov were arguing back at the police station. They were in the lounge, each with a stack of paperwork on the tables and two huge mugs of coffee as an energy boost to get through it all.
“According to this paperwork, all police officers are needed elsewhere, but they’re sending over sixteen temporary officers which we can’t accommodate!” moaned Kirsten.
“Not to mention that they’re coming in a month, and they’re Police Cadets coming to finish they’re training,” added Pavlov.
“I say we go and find Carrack, and hope for the best…………” suggested Kirsten recklessly.
“That’s suicide,” argued Pavlov.
“But if we sit back and do nothing, Carrack will hunt us down and kill us off,” cried Kirsten, an angry tear graced her cheek, “ they’re killing off the police force so that there’ll be nobody to protect the public.”

Pavlov sighed and massaged his temples, it was all to much for him. “I should have never left Russia!” he cried in regret.
“You were in a worse position in Russia,” corrected Kirsten, burying her face in her hands.
“Yes, but without the stack of paperwork,” joked Pavlov, Kirsten giggled as well. Kirsten was glad at the fact that in the face of danger they could still joke.
“Well,” said Pavlov taking on a grimmer expression, “we have no choice but to call in the Lynn Shield.” Kirsten gasped and panicked.
“There must be another way, how did you get the police request to the metropolitan?” said Kirsten frantically.
“Special courier pigeon,” replied Pavlov, “we have no more………”
“Well we’re in a right mess,” sighed Kirsten, “okay, order the regrouping of
Lynn Shield….” She sniffled and held back a tear, the last time Lynn Shield had been issued three families had lost their father. One of those families was hers, she was only little when it happened but it still hurt. It was unbearable the fact that she might be taking some other little girls daddy away from her. She opened he laptop and typed up a quick poster and printed thirty posters. She handed them to Pavlov angrily, “Tell the paperboy that I want this through everyone’s door before noon tomorrow!” she stomped off to her bunk upstairs where she was staying for protection.

The next morning............................


See more stories by Obi

Hey, sorry I haven't

Hey, sorry I haven't commented in such a long time!!!
Well, I think the only bad thing about Aidan and its plot (the writing, as usual, is very good) is that you haven't realy grasped, I think, the sense of the mystery you're writing. You're going about it, having the characters going about it, as though it's something really, really big. You need to make them remember that it's not definite yet. They don't know that they're going to find anything definite. They don't know that the killer is going to make them put up a big fight yet. I suggest you make them do research first, THEN do their stuff. Like they have to know, if they're going to be learning this archery and (sorry, I couldn't remember the namel, but it starts with P). They're doing it very buisnesslikely, and that just isn;t....
Well, sorry :) It's really what it seemed like to me, but, as always, if you can pull this off, all the better.
M

I agree. Also, a tip with

I agree. Also, a tip with writing that I only noticed today and it might not be in all your writing... dialouge.
The characters talk in an unrealistic way, and to back it up, after each one you have them saying something. For an example, instead of, say,
"I'm sorry, I can't help with this, Mari," Paul sighed, shaking his head.
"But why?"
you have
"I'm sorry, I can't help you with this, Mari," Paul sighed shaking his head.
"But why?" she asked, close to tears.

Okay, I know I might not be making much sense, but you get it? Like, after every piece of dialouge you have something.

Goodbye, fellow Pig!
- My sister, to our Grandfather


KidPub Authors Club members can post their own stories, comment on stories they've read, play on KidMud, enter our contests, and more! Want to join in on the fun? Joining is easy!

CLICK HERE TO GET STARTED!



Powered by Drupal - Aurora theme by artinet