in NSW
She was a beauty. Her hair was a light orange, with tinge of golden brown. Her eyes were so blue; they seemed to light up the room, looking almost like diamonds. Her skin was a light tan and her lips were a soft pink. There was no problem with that. She had a bubbly personality and always greeted her subjects. I am, was, her nanny, but now I am her lady-in-waiting and proud of it. My Princess is HRH Lilliana Rose Aruzza, Princess of Italy.
The day she was born, when I was her mother’s lady-in-waiting, I thought I was dreaming. Her hair was soft, like feathers and her little body looked oh so fragile. Oh, and her eyes, such beautiful eyes! They struck me like a bolt of lightning. How could a woman with such bright green eyes, give birth to a baby with eyes almost silver?! It was then when I thought that this princess was special.
Well, just as I was thinking that thought, everything went black. Everything was silent. I expected the newborn to start crying, like normal babies. But Lilliana was quiet, like she was listening for the slightest movement or noise. I heard someone cackling, but I ignored it, thinking that I was hearing things. Suddenly, it was light again. It took us a few moments to click, but soon enough, we noticed that Crown Princess Silvia’s arms were empty. Ugh, it was horrible. King Joseph sent his troops out and everything, but we couldn’t find her. It was only till a few years later when I heard a faint giggle from my window at the palace. I looked out and I saw a girl. I was about to scream ‘INTRUDER!’ when I noticed her hair. It was familiar. And when that girl turned around, I was almost blinded. The girl’s eyes were shining right into mine and then I remembered. It was her. Princess Lilliana! After years of search, she had wandered into the royal palace! But something was different about her, and I just couldn’t figure it out, until years later…
END OF PROLOGUE
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Well, this certainly shows
Well, this certainly shows potential!!
I'd change a few things in it, though - maybe the nanny should be writing as in,
'I have been asked by (---) to begin this chronicle - I will do it as best I can, for a humble nanny like me can ask for no better. I wil start - or try to start - at the very beginning.
She was beautiful.""
Hmm? Because I would have thought she needed prompting to begin this. I think it'd be more natural if she did.
Also, at the paragraph where she begins, 'Well, I was just thinking that...'
Maybe you should just begin with 'Suddenly, the room plunged into blackness' or 'the room suddenly went dark'. Also, when there's a blackout, a nanny wouldn't just stand there, would she? She'd hurry out, muttering to the Queen on her way out about her intention to get a couple of candles to clear up this blasted darkness. Or something like that :)
Maybe, also, you should make her go out of the room, like I said, and then when she comes back she finds the CP Silvia frantically looking for the baby. Or screaming as the baby is suddenly wrenched away from her. It'd be a bit unnatural to just have the baby disappear, would it not? (Or is this a part of the story?)
You should also begin another paragraph with 'It was only a few years later'. It's another time, isn't it?
My last thing to tell you is that, you've used the word 'years' a bit too much; verify!! Be careful not to use the same word twice closely.
And that's it! I hope I haven't bored you with my long critique; I couldn't resist, really.... ;)
Hope it helps you,
M
Very, very good. Nice,
Very, very good. Nice, attracctive, ironic title. Lovely name and setting and good language. However, there is no monarchy of Italia and hasn't been for many years. Also for Italian names avoid 'z's which ar inelegant. Very good.
Talentum est vestri left angelus quod vestri angelus vestri vox. ~
Talent is your left angel and your angel your right.