Aidan{21}

by Obi
in London

I fear this may be the last chapter, unless I fix some urgent shortcomings in the book.

He slammed his Nokia shut and ran out to his dad who was trudging slowly up the path through the frontier field, to the village. He caught up to him and embraced him with a warm hug.
“Hi son, it’s okay I’ll be back. I promise……” Allan whispered in Aidan’s ear.
“I know dad, but just in case. Take this,” said Aidan softly, shoving the flame thrower into Allan’s huge fist.
“What’s this little thing?” laughed Allan, “A wand?!?” he humoured, examining the bronze and black tube.
Aidan smiled, “set it to Volcano and point away okay, and try not to have a heart attack!” Allan turned the knob to the ‘volcanic’ setting and pointed it away. Then pressed the red plastic button labelled ‘Fire’. Suddenly, a torrent towering, torrential cloud of fire was released from the small tube , and rose like a cloud of coral and ruby into the air.
“Holy Smokes!” shouted Allan, “what was that?”
“You’ll find out soon enough dad,” he hugged his father one last time and ran back to the farmhouse.

That night, The Angelos met in the cabin in the forest. It was about seven o’clock in the deepness of the dusk, and it was only their voices which broke the eerie and natural silences of the forest. Jude spoke up, his voice resounding in the nightly woods, “I think that we should strike upon Carrack tomorrow, if we bide our time to long it’ll be to late!”
“We alone are not enough to attack them, they are armed with guns and daggers,” reasoned Hannah wisely.
“Yes, but then what are we to do,” said Kelly.
Aidan agreed with a nod, “We need more forces if we are to help them.”


See more stories by Obi

Hmm. Not a very fufilling

Hmm. Not a very fufilling ending.

Write 2 live and read 2 write. Read, write, and live life to its fullest
-Me.

No Imean I may not write

No Imean I may not write anymore! Not end it like this!

Talentum est vestri left angelus quod vestri angelus vestri vox. ~
Talent is your left angel and your angel your right.

I know that! It isn't what I

I know that! It isn't what I meant, I meant... Oh never mind.

Write 2 live and read 2 write. Read, write, and live life to its fullest
-Me.

(not write anymore?

(not write anymore? Elaborate?)

One thing i don't like about this chapter is the powwow-like, Kingdom Of Heaven-esque scene of battle-planning at the end. Again, they're just sounding too formal. 'Strike upon Carrack'. Now number one, you've never really specified what they're supposed to do; aren't the offenders supposed to be unknown? (if I'm wrong, I deeply apologize, I haven;t read the previous chapters lately)
I'll reread them right now just to make sure. Anyway:
You've mentioned 'torrent' twice in one sentence, and that's the only problem I see with the writing. Try to give Aidan a bit more emotions, too.
Continue this, please!
M


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