A small paragraph of a story I may write... is it okay?

by Er-Bear (Erin) in Texas

Okay, I just thought of this plot a few days ago, and so I wrote down a few paragraphs. I dont think they're that good, but please tell me your input, and If I should continue. Thank you!!!

(oh yah, and you may think it's too girly just from some of the description, but please keep reading...it gets better.)

You probably have heard the story of Cinderella. Where Cinderella is all gorgeous and nice and obedient to her evil stepsisters and stepmother, and all she does is dream about things like going to the ball, and so the mom won’t let her leave, and she has nothing to wear…etc. And then all the sudden a fairy godmother shows up. Poof. And with another poof, she’s off to the ball, living her dream. And the story goes on, as you know it. Well, I was just thinking earlier today, my life story is a little like Cinderella’s. I live in a kingdom, (yes with a prince, but I refuse to like him because everyone else does.) And my father died in a fire when I was only five, and I live with a stepmother. And she has daughters, making them my stepsisters. The only thing is, my “step family” is actually nice. Sure, my sisters can get a little annoying sometimes, and my mom is a little overprotective…but they’re my family, so I put up with it.

I am the oldest of the four sisters, by a year. I, Breanna, am seventeen. My younger sister, Marissa, is sixteen. Elise is fourteen, and Hannah is twelve. We all get along pretty well, especially Marissa and I. We go everywhere together, talk about everything, shop together, everything. It doesn’t even feel like we’re a year apart.

One day, Marissa and I left the cottage to go shopping. She had her auburn hair tied up loosely with a ribbon, curls cascading down her back. She wore flowers in her hair, flower-shaped earrings, and a lilac dress, with a white flowery lace. Marissa loved flowers, If you couldn’t already tell. I was wearing a simple sky blue dress with a light, spring sweater over it, with my dark blonde hair down and loose, wind sifting through it. I closed my eyes and inhaled the clean, cool spring air. The sky was the color of my gown, but much brighter, with only a few very high blankets of clouds. The air was still chilly from winter, very clean feeling. The sun helped warm our cheeks as we walked slowly down the dirt path towards the village, admiring the vibrant flowers in full bloom. Purples, pinks, sunny yellows, deep blues, orange, red—every color imaginable was sprinkled over the meadows in a bed of lush green grass, and more red appeared as a few small apple trees stretched into view. It was without a doubt the prettiest day of the year.

As we made our way into the village, though, the beautiful spring day seemed to slowly fade into something worse. Much, much worse. I sniffed the air, hoping for fragrance, but all I could smell was….smoke. My eyes flew open. Sure enough, billows of thick, black smoke were rising just beyond the village.

“Marissa, look at that smoke!” I think I scared her, because she jumped a little when she saw my terrified face. Usually it was me comforting her fears, but for once, I was scared to death.

“Oh my goodness...“ said Marissa in a hushed tone. Suddenly she pointed off into the distance, past the village, and we figured out where it was coming from. “the castle!” she cried in a choked voice. My younger sister quivered. “We need to get help!” And I knew why. Beloved prince Ethan was in the castle.

“Marissa! But, we can’t do anything to stop the fire…. look! The flames are getting so high…besides! You know we can’t go in there and save him.”

“But Breanna! You can’t possibly want our prince to die!” She looked at me in a way I’ve never seen her before: fearless. “I can’t let my prince die.” And with tears running down her face, she picked up her skirt and started running the opposite direction, toward the castle, faster than anyone I’ve ever seen.

For a moment I stood there dumbstruck. She’s going to die. She’s going to die because of our stupid prince. The prince is going to die, too.

“I can’t let this happen to you, Marissa. This is how my father died, and I won’t let it happen to you, too,” I said quietly.” And so, though I was terrified beyond measure, I broke my comfort zone and tore after her, angry tears streaming down my face. I was positively sure none of us would survive the fires.  

Did you like it? please comment!!