Tess
in California
December 21st, 2011
Tess
By Maleah Haro
Chapter 1 Nervous Moments
Tess walked up the first castle floor. Tess was a servant and a slave,she lived in the Ancient Castle. She was washing The Royal Queens Siver China Plates. " Tess the king and queen need you report to them immediately Now!" said the royal guard. I jogged up the concrete floor until I was in their royal den. " King Charlie. Queen Christine?" I Said. Then I saw them with a glaring look in both of their eyes. I thought I might've did,then I remembered I forgot to bow. I was so embarrassed. Then I greeted them with a friendly smile and bow. " Good Morning King Charlie and Queen Christine." I mumbled. " Good morning Tess, I'm Sorry but We have some shocking news to tell you." said King Charlie. Tess heart beated so fast. " Oh No." I thought!
Chapter 2 Shocking News
" I'm sorry to tell you this but, last night your little sister Tina wandered out of her den and went outside and someone stole her!" said King Charlie. " How do you know she wandered out and someone stole her?" I said almost crying. " Because the guards last saw her in the arms of a evil-witted man, they couldn't catch up to her so they reported that to me in the morning! " said King Charlie solemly. I never ever cried in the castle but this was the time I did. I cried so much it left a puddle of tears under my feet. "I will allow you to find her but I have to send a protecter just in case u get hurt." said King Charlie. This was the time I could seek revenge!
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You have some weird capitalization in this peice that's kind of random. Before you jump into the story, we should get to know Tess a little more. So try to add more detail in these peices that will show us more about who Tess is. You have a few spelling mistakes, and some errors in the dialogue. Copy and paste into word and it shold help you sort these all out. And, everytime someone different speaks, you HAVE to start a new paragraph. Got it?
Keep writing! I like what I've seen so far and please do correct the mistakes. :)
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