I need you here XxComment please!xX
by Harry
in Cheshire
January 27th, 2010
See more stories by Harry
in Cheshire
January 27th, 2010
Pretty rubbish. Its my first poem though. It took me 3 minutes to write. Please comment!
I need you here
My pain's severe
Without you
It's untrue
Ever since you left
i've been a mess
I cry in my lonely room
My crypt of sadness, my tomb
I miss you.
See more stories by Harry
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Not bad. Good imagery, I think the only thing you need to work on is rhythms. The lines are all sort of uneven, which makes the rhymes seem less impressive, but you could fix that just by adding or deleting a few words, or substituting words that don't work with synonyms.
Yeah, I like this, but the syllable count seems slightly off
YOU CAN'T DENY IT!!! I am a ninja!
Thanks for the constructive critisism. I just wrote it cuz i was feeling bored, so i'm not sure if i'll write any more because I don't think it's any good
I've changed it quite a bit now. The syllable count is more even. :)
Well done I think its nice. Im new 2 kidpub! Ive wrote a couple of poems to.
wow! I think this poem is fab! Do you know what happens when you publish? Im looking at publishing a book. Im getting the rise of blaze, keep on running and potion to give me an idea. have you ever published?
Yes I wrote Keep on Running! Buy it it's amazing!