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The Accident chapter one re-rewrite. Changed it a lot, whole new aspect for story, accident happens different please read

The Accident chapter one re-rewrite. Changed it a lot, whole new aspect for story, accident happens different please read

Posted October 20th, 2019 by chicken123

by Ava #1
in Michigan

 

Chapter 1, Two hours earlier

I was standing at the kitchen sink washing the dirty dishes. My mom walked into the room and told me she could finish them so that I could get ready for school. Thank goodness. I hated doing the dishes. But ugh. I had to do math homework because I got too stressed out about it last night. I sat down at the table and tried to figure out cross multiplication. Why do we need to learn this kind of stuff anyway? It’s not like we were ever going to use it in real life.

My mom walked over to me, and her forehead wrinkled in concentration as she read over my shoulder. I'm surprised her eyes weren't going cross.

“What even is this, Kara?” She asked me. I shrugged and went back to work.

 My mom tried to do a problem, then gave up and went back to washing dishes. She does everything she can to provide for us. My daddy died when I was eight, and we did everything together. I was daddy’s girl. I went fishing with him, camping with him and my mom, but never hunting. I hated the idea that we were killing animals. I know somebody has to do it for us in order to eat, I just don't like to be the one doing it. But I keep myself busy. I make crafts, I sew. My mom taught me how to bake. My dad definitely didn't know how to bake. He could burn water.

I do almost everything with my mom, but I do some stuff by myself, like throwing a ball into the air and catching it, running around outside, and sometimes just thinking. Thinking what it would be like if my dad was here. Would Mom be so down and quiet all the time? Or would she be happier and smile more?

Sometimes it’s lonely around here, especially since my dad is gone. But I know he still loves me, and he’s looking down at me right now. He’s probably thinking, why on Earth does she need to learn that kind of math? I laughed just thinking about it.

“What’s so funny?” Mom asked me.

     “I was just thinking about dad, and what he would say if he was here. About my math, I mean.” My mom nodded and went back to work. Ever since my dad died, she had been sensitive whenever we talked about him. He was the light and joy of her life. But now he’s gone. I personally think she needs to let a little joy and life back into her life, but I don’t tell her that to her face. She has enough on her plate right now.

There, done. I finally finished my homework. Thank goodness we don’t get graded if the answers are right or not. We get graded on whether or not we attempted all of the problems. And I did. Sort of. Let’s just say they might not all be right.

I put my homework in my backpack, and turn around to look at the clock above the oven. The bus would be here in three minutes. Perfect, just enough time to eat a piece of toast. I put the toast in the toaster and sat down to read my book, Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets. So far I was at the part where he is in the chamber with Ron.

I smell smoke suddenly. Shoot! I left the toast in the toaster. There is smoke pouring out of it and it is so hot, that I have to grab it with potholders. My toast was completely black. Yum.

I sigh and throw the toast in the garbage. I didn’t even hear the bus pull up to my house. My mom apparently didn't either, since the water was running and she was washing the same plate for the fourth time. My guess is that she was thinking about my dad. She misses him a lot, I can tell.

She shut the water off, and we heard the bus pulled away, screeching down our road.

“Oh no!” I cried, running to the window. I missed the bus, my homework was hard, and my toast was black and smoking in the garbage. And Harry Potter just died in my book. Haha just kidding. Now my mom would have to drive me to school, and I know how busy she was today. My mom cares a lot about me, and I don’t want her to feel stressed for everything she has to do. I try to help out as much as I can. But sometimes it’s just not enough. I love my mom. Sorry, I know that was a little random, but I do. She has raised me by herself for four years now.

“Alright, time to go. I guess I’ll have to take you.” She said to me. I felt bad, but I had to get to school. I grabbed my school bag off the floor and headed out to the car. I could feel that something wasn't right. What was it? I had no idea. Just that something was off. I shrugged and got into the car. We started driving down the road towards my school, when I smelled the most peculiar smell. I couldn't put a finger on what it was. It smelled strong and choking.  Oh well. I thought. Couldn’t be anything too bad. I started going over my social studies test in my head. George Washington was the first President, John Adams was the first Vice President, and the President's group of advisors is called a cabinet. Man, I’m going to ace this. I can't wait to tell Mom my score on the test. It will probably be an A-plus.

Just then, a thin wisp of smoke flew up from the hood. My mom didn’t realize. She was drinking out of her “World’s Best Mom,” mug that I got for her birthday last year, and listening in her earpiece that was in her ear. Maybe that’s why she didn't smell the gas when I did.

The car screeched, and that weird smell became stronger. I knew what it was without knowing what it was. That made no sense, but let’s just go with it. I knew it was gas. Our car was leaking. I had seen plenty of movies, but none of them could have prepared me for this. I always thought that something like this was just a bad thing that happened to people in movies. That it wasn’t a reality. But it is. It’s all happening.

    I tried to tell my mom what was happening, but by the time I opened my mouth, she was already turning onto the highway. Now it was too late to stop.

Memories of my family and I happy together swirled around in my head. I glanced at my mom, who’s forehead was all scrunched up, concentrated on the road, finally noticing the smoke and smell now. She looked at me for a split second, and her eyes seemed to say I’m sorry. I touched her shoulder. Maybe this was just a dream. Or a nightmare. Maybe I’m just imagining all of this. One look at my mom again said it wasn’t a dream. This was real, and something bad was going to come out of it. I knew that before anything happened I had to say something important.

“I love you, mom.” She looked at me, her eyes full of sadness, and bravery she wished she could make a reality, and said, “I love you too baby girl.” Just then, the car stopped in the middle of the highway. Well, that wasn’t so bad. But wait. We were on the highway. Semis and big trucks drive here. A split second after I thought that, I turned around to a big semi slam into our car with so much power. Imagine a semi flying down the highway not driving the speed limit which was 60 and instead driving 70 and slamming into a completely still car. The feeling was breathtaking. And not breathtaking in the way when you see the bride walk down the aisle for the first time, or when you learned that someone you love was ripped from you world. No this literally took my breath away. In a life-wrenching, back-hurting kind of way.

 I felt myself fly forward, my ears ringing, the sound of our little car scraping the highway... I heard my mom scream, then it was silent except for the ringing in my ears and the scared beating of my heart. The airbag flew out in front of my face (of course now it does, after we get hit by a semi, that should really help having those airbags there after a big hunk of metal just hit us at 70 miles per hour), then everything went black. 




 


See more stories by Ava #1
you've improved! good job! i

you've improved! good job!

i really love this.

 

-that other kid

Posted by ~July~ [Kayla] on Mon, 10/21/2019 - 09:30
I remember reading the first

I remember reading the first version of this and you've really improved a lot!
If you'd like, I can give you a few pieces of advice I have?

Posted by echo (*Jill*) on Fri, 10/25/2019 - 07:40
Yes

Yes definitely!

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As you walk down the fairway of life, smell the roses. You only get to play one round. -Ben Hogan

Posted by Ava #1 on Sun, 10/27/2019 - 10:51
So first of all, I again

So first of all, I again want to compliment you on the improvement you've made!

I don't think there were any major problems in the work, but here's a bit of advice. For the first chapter of this story, there seems to be too much exposition in the beginning. The first chapter should involve the inciting incident (in your case, the car accident), which you put in, and that's great! But the part at the start about her father/the homework was a little drawn out. Although scenes to further the character's backstory is definitely a necessity, it's probably not a good idea to put it in the opening chapter, since it is a bit boring. The information about the dad and Kara's backstory can be very vital to the plot, but maybe you can try to leave this for chapter 2! This could be the scene before she fully wakes up, she thinks she sees her dad, but then remembers he's dead, then goes... "Wait, does that mean I'm dead?" to kind of make the story flow more!

This post (https://www.instagram.com/p/B4GULMtlsVX/?igshid=msgsfj8y95gs) sums exposition up pretty well, and although you have most of it down, I still think it's good advice to keep in mind.

The second part is more of a technical problem- gas is pretty flammable, and chances are, if there was a gas leak accompanied by smoke under the hood (indicating fire), the car would probably explode first. This part was a bit confusing to read too, because the setup seemed like Kara and her mom were going to be victims of an explosion, but they instead were run into by a semi truck. It is pretty counterintuitive, and makes the reader wonder "what was all that about the gas leak for?", because it didn't contribute to the story in a meaningful way, and the accident with the semi could have easily happened without the gas leak.

That's all! And to be honest I'm kinda nitpicking here, because your work is already pretty great! Keep writing :D

Posted by echo (*Jill*) on Tue, 10/29/2019 - 05:27

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