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Chapter I The First Night Out

Chapter I The First Night Out

Posted July 2nd, 2018 by mischief

by Cherith
in In the woods. Getting in trouble with ritzy people

She steadied the sizzling frying pan, which cooked some unknown meat. Her foot slipped, spraying loose dirt into the food. I laughed...and..my ...cover..was blown. Great job man! Glancing up at me, her brown cheeks flushed. I swung from the limb where I was observing koffkoffspying her from. She gave me a skepitcal look. " Who. Are. You"? I could be anybody! Or not. " Nobuddy".
" Com'on you have to have a name". Oh really? " Fine. You tell me"? " Whatever". With that she 'dissapeard'. Funny though, what's a fourteen year old girl doing out on her own? In the woods?

The night is cool and light, with tiny muderous insects enjoying human blood. That isn't what is keeping me up though .It's that boy. Is he also fighting for sleep in this forest? Is he a runaway....or worse?

" Good morning". That boy, chirped from the same tree, just a different limb. " Hungery"?
" Of course". I'm not a morning person. A bag of white choclate covered blue berry's flew down to me. I then noticed he wasn't wearing a shirt and that I was holding a white and blue shirt. " You wouldn't stop chattering last night". He said, as if reading my mind, he winked.
" I think A.J. would nice". He grunted.
" What for"?
" Andrew Jackson. After my dad, who was of course named after-
" Good".
" What, you like it"?
" No. But it's better then some. You better eat up though Sugar. Don't wanna be late to shcool". Shcool? I have to go to shcool? I thought that might be off the list when your a runaway!

See more stories by Cherith
hi! hope you dont mind a

hi! hope you dont mind a little bit of CC..

first i think this could definitely be formatted better. it would read easier if you aligned the words on the lefthand side where they usually are instead of putting it in the middle, because the lines read a bit strange like that. also, every time a new person speaks you should hit enter! it would probably also help if where it said "Zala" and "AJ" and "Morning" they were in bold. you also have a few spelling and grammar mistakes: stoppted for a few secounds.  should be "stopped for a few seconds" Dark eye's narrowed. " Com'on you have to have a name". Oh reeaally? " You don't know me, and your telling me"? She laughed and told me . " You've got the temper to go with the hair"!   should be

"Her dark eyes narrowed.

"Come on, you have to have a name."

"Oh really? You dont know me, and you're telling me?" She laughed and told me:

"You've got the temper to go with the hair!" 

insects enjoying human's blood should be "insects enjoying human blood" or "insects enjoying my blood" or "insects enjoying a human's blood" 

I ask

slightly digusted, what kid randomly goes shirtless. should be "I ask, slightly disgusted. What kid randomly goes shirtless?" (you also might want to put the last bit in italics) 

pricless smile - priceless


another thing i noticed: you keep putting punctuation outside of the quotation marks, when they should go inside. 

about the general story: the beginning is very vague. who is A.J.? are they a boy or a girl? why are they in this forest? is the girl surprised, scared, to see a strange boy watching her? what does "temper to match with the hair" mean? is this boy a redhead? if so, that should be clear. also, this first paragraph starts in the point of view of someone watching both the boy and the girl, but who isn't either of them. then the perspective suddenly switches to the boy. it should either be the boy's this whole time or the mystery third persons. also, in general, this whole thing should be fleshed out a bit. im left with a lot of questions. 


so i know i just did a bunch of critique, but this does seem like an interesting story idea and im excited to see where it goes!!






Posted by on Mon, 07/02/2018 - 18:51
Sooooo, I know there's like

Sooooo, I know there's like a bunch of holes but that is too make the reader want to read more to find out. But I will change a few things to make everything clearer! Thanks!

Posted by Cherith on Mon, 07/02/2018 - 19:48
no problem! and holes to

no problem! and holes to make the reader guess are good - you should probably keep some of the mystery - but theres a difference between being intrigued and being confused. and often you cant tell when its your own writing because you already know all the answers!

Posted by on Mon, 07/02/2018 - 19:54

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