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A.J. and Zala

A.J. and Zala

Posted July 2nd, 2018 by mischief

by Cherith
in In the woods. Getting in trouble with ritzy people

A.J.
She steadied the sizzling frying pan, which cooked some unknown meat. Her foot slipped, spraying loose dirt into the food. I couldn't help from laughing. And that's when my cover on the limb was discovered. The girl glanced up at me, her brown cheeks flushing. " Who. Are. You"? She demaned, her voice trembling in shook. My hear stopped for a few secounds. I could be anybody, or nobody. I could lie or tell the truth. " Me? Nobudy". I don't even remeber my bilogical parents. I don't even know if " they" were even telling the truth. And frankly, that is unnerving.
" Com'on you have to have a name". Not really. " Since you seem to know. Tell me, what is it"? She laughed, and told me. " You've got the temper to go with the hair"! Red hair, potatoes, snappy tempers. You gotta love the Irish.

Zala
The night is cool and light, with tiny muderous insects enjoying human blood. Nagging questions also keep me from sleeping. Where is that boy? Why won't he give me his name? Is he also fighting for sleep in this forest? Is he a runaway....or worse?

MORNING
Hazy smoke tickles my nose, and my unwilling eyes open.
" Good morning". The red head bird from yesterday chrips. His naked chest shivers, and I realize I have his shirt clutched in my hand. " You were cold last night, so I dropped it down to you". He explains, blushing. " So, I thought about it last night, and I thought A.J. would be nice". A.J. Lifts a blound eye brow. " How'd you get that"? " My dad, Aric Junior." " Oh, good". " You like it"? " Oh, no not at all. I just thought might be something like Addarvark Jack or something". " Here eat up, shcool comes before you like it". He threw my a bag of blue jolly ranches. For breakfast? Apprently.


See more stories by Cherith
hi! hope you dont mind a

hi! hope you dont mind a little bit of CC..

first i think this could definitely be formatted better. it would read easier if you aligned the words on the lefthand side where they usually are instead of putting it in the middle, because the lines read a bit strange like that. also, every time a new person speaks you should hit enter! it would probably also help if where it said "Zala" and "AJ" and "Morning" they were in bold. you also have a few spelling and grammar mistakes: stoppted for a few secounds.  should be "stopped for a few seconds" Dark eye's narrowed. " Com'on you have to have a name". Oh reeaally? " You don't know me, and your telling me"? She laughed and told me . " You've got the temper to go with the hair"!   should be

"Her dark eyes narrowed.

"Come on, you have to have a name."

"Oh really? You dont know me, and you're telling me?" She laughed and told me:

"You've got the temper to go with the hair!" 

insects enjoying human's blood should be "insects enjoying human blood" or "insects enjoying my blood" or "insects enjoying a human's blood" 

I ask

slightly digusted, what kid randomly goes shirtless. should be "I ask, slightly disgusted. What kid randomly goes shirtless?" (you also might want to put the last bit in italics) 

pricless smile - priceless

 

another thing i noticed: you keep putting punctuation outside of the quotation marks, when they should go inside. 

about the general story: the beginning is very vague. who is A.J.? are they a boy or a girl? why are they in this forest? is the girl surprised, scared, to see a strange boy watching her? what does "temper to match with the hair" mean? is this boy a redhead? if so, that should be clear. also, this first paragraph starts in the point of view of someone watching both the boy and the girl, but who isn't either of them. then the perspective suddenly switches to the boy. it should either be the boy's this whole time or the mystery third persons. also, in general, this whole thing should be fleshed out a bit. im left with a lot of questions. 

 

so i know i just did a bunch of critique, but this does seem like an interesting story idea and im excited to see where it goes!!

 

 

 

 

 

Posted by on Mon, 07/02/2018 - 18:51
Sooooo, I know there's like

Sooooo, I know there's like a bunch of holes but that is too make the reader want to read more to find out. But I will change a few things to make everything clearer! Thanks!

Posted by Cherith on Mon, 07/02/2018 - 19:48
no problem! and holes to

no problem! and holes to make the reader guess are good - you should probably keep some of the mystery - but theres a difference between being intrigued and being confused. and often you cant tell when its your own writing because you already know all the answers!

Posted by on Mon, 07/02/2018 - 19:54

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