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Black Sands

Black Sands

Posted July 23rd, 2021 by rchallman

rchallman's picture
by TARDISBlogger
in The Universe

Prologue

 

            Black sand stretched for as far as the eye could see. It was so dark, it seemed like there was nothing under your feet, yet there was a shine to it as the bright moon shone above. The sand swallowed all sound. Not that anything, or anyone, was making any sounds on the expanse. It was so silent, yet almost there was a faint buzzing noise. But nobody was to seen on the vast dunes. Not even wind tried to whisper across the granules. Then something…breathed.

            The sand itself seemed to hold its breath as it waited, wanting to know who came into its area of residence. The ground trembled. Sand shifted and slid and tumbled over each other. Sliding across each other’s back like liquid. It began to bulge and rise into the sky, casting shadows that never could be seen against the black sand. The bulging sand hissed and started to shriek.

            A figure was forming from the now writhing sand, swirling chaotically around each other and grinding against each other, trying to find their place and figure out what was happening. Two large legs formed and the sand spiraled around, forming a torso, then expanding out to form the arms. Following it spun with a fury above the body and then a roar escaped and black sand sprayed everywhere, returning to their place among the pool of black.

            Something breathed.

            A breath of air hit the sky. A little white cloud dissipated.

            The shoulders shuddered and excess black grains rolled of the shoulders of the figure. As the grains fell away to reveal light black skin, almost matching the colored of wet charcoal. muscles rippling, and pulsing in arms, chest, back. Sleek black hair fell down motionless in the windless night, tumbling over the black muscles that tensed as fists were clenched. A snarl broke the silent night.

            Jaw grinding and beads of sweat starting to rivet down the figure.

            Eyes flashed opened, revealing two black pools swirling with malice and revenge. The black desert erupted in noise. Sand grains scraped against each other and shrieks and screams rose towards the moon. The moon almost seemed to be watching the scene that was happening on the black sands with sadness. But it could do nothing to stop what was unfolding, just had to watch.

            From the sand, creatures broke through the surface of the sand, as if they had been waiting just under the surface for something to usher them up, to breathe in the night sky and give them a purpose. And that purpose had just hissed.

            Their shrieks and cries broke the silence and peace fled. The figure had no reaction to the sand forming creature after creature behind him, beside him, in front of him. Some were winged, some had horns, some were hooved. They bellowed, kicked, and grunted. Black, smokey dust rose, shrouding the warm blue light of the moon. So many were coming forth that the dust was too much. The cloud became thicker and darker until a small beam held fast, touching a part of the sand, that part of the sea of dunes untouched. Until the sand belched and popped and a horned creature crawled out.

            Where there was once silence, chaos had been born.

 

 

I am not sure how I felt about it. My husband has this scene from a song that I kind of based my inspiration for this off of and wanted to see if I could make a story from it. Let me know what you think! And any ideas or comments or suggestions, please throw my way! I'd love to hear as much feedback as I can. I am working on getting back into writing stories again. Thank you guys! :) 

Rachel Oates 


See more stories by TARDISBlogger
Hi there! Man, is it good to

Hi there! Man, is it good to see another "old person" on this writing site!

My initial impression of this piece is: wow. You've got a knack for description and the images in this (very eventful) snippet are clear. 

I'm a sucker for context and getting all my questions answered, so it might just be me, but I feel like this scene would do awesome as the prologue of a much longer novel. I want to know why these monsters are coming from the Black Sand, why this is such a bad thing, and if we're going to need something or someone to fight the chaos that has emerged. 

One more thing: can I ask what song inspired this?

I'm gonna do that thing where I go sentence by sentence. If I use this, that means "consider removing the letters or word." All my comments will be highlighted.

 

Black sand stretched for as far as the eye could see. It was so dark, it seemed like there was nothing under your I'm not vibing with the second person here. It's the only instance of it in the piece. feet, yet there was a shine to it as the bright moon shone above. Does the sand reflect the moon? Would iridescent be the correct word for what's happening here? The sand swallowed all sound. Not that anything, or anyone, was making any sounds on the expanse. It was so silent, yet almost there was a faint buzzing noise. The word order is a bit weird. Maybe "It was so silent, yet there was almost a faint buzzing noise." There might also be a causal relationship between the silence and the faint noise: "it was so silent that it seemed there was a faint buzzing". Not sure. But nobody was to seen on the vast dunes. Not even wind tried to whisper across the granules. Then something…breathed. HAA THIS IS SO CREEPY I LOVE IT

            The sand itself seemed to hold its breath as it waited, wanting to know who came into its area of residence. The ground trembled. Grains of? You are treating the word "sand" as a plural, but it sadly is not. Sand shifted and slid and tumbled over each other. a comma would work better than a period here since the following clause is dependent Sliding across each other’s back like liquid. It the sand? began to bulge and rise into the sky, casting shadows that never could be seen against the black sand. You can't see the shadows because the sand is black, right? Maybe fiddle with the word choice and word order in the second part of that sentence. The bulging sand hissed and started to shriek. !!!

            A figure was forming from the now writhing grains of? sand, which were? swirling chaotically around each other and grinding against each other, trying to find their place and figure out what was happening. Two large legs formed and the sand spiraled around, forming a torso, then expanding ed out to form the arms. Following it spun with a fury above the body and then a roar escaped and black sand sprayed everywhere, there are two conjunctions in this sentence, risking a run on. I would cut it down to one conjunction and start a new sentence at "black sand sprayed everywhere." returning to their its place among in? the pool of black.

            Something breathed. I like the repitition. Adds to the freakiness.

            A breath of air hit the sky. A little white cloud dissipated.

            The shoulders shuddered and excess black grains rolled off the shoulders of the figure. As   the  grains fell away to reveal light black skin, almost matching the colored of wet charcoal. The muscles were rippling, (remove comma) and pulsing in arms, chest, back. Sleek black hair fell down motionless in the windless night, tumbling over the black muscles that tensed as fists were clenched. A snarl broke the silent night.

            Jaw grinding and beads of sweat starting to rivet (incorrect word. Try rivulet) down the figure. These two actions/thoughts need different clauses, at least. I would use different sentences. Something like, "Sweat fell in rivulets down the figure as it ground its jaw."

            Eyes flashed opened, revealing two black pools swirling with malice and revenge. NICE The black desert erupted in noise. Sand grains scraped against each other and shrieks and screams rose towards the moon. The moon almost seemed to be watching the scene that was happening on the black sands with sadness. But it could do nothing to stop what was unfolding, just had to watch. This is really good. The moon herself watching with sadness fills me with a sense of impending doom. I feel like the sentences could be tighter, though. I don't think you need the whole phrase "the scene that was happening on the black sands." You could trim it down to 'the scene with sadness'. Also, I would separate "just had to watch" from the rest of the sentence. "But it could do nothing to stop what was unfolding. It just had to watch." 

            From the sand, (consider replacing "the sand" with "underneath" since you use the phrase "the sand" shortly after. That, or nix 'from the sand' entirely) creatures broke through the surface of the sand, as if they had been waiting just under the surface for something to usher them up, to breathe in the night sky and give them a purpose. And that purpose had just hissed. Why the word hissed? I don't remember the Sand Creature hissing.

            Their shrieks and cries broke the silence and peace fled. The figure had no reaction interesting and awesome to the sand forming creature after creature behind him, beside him, in front of him. Some were winged, some had horns, some were hooved. They bellowed, kicked, and grunted. Black, smokey dust rose, shrouding the warm blue light of the moon. So many were coming forth that the dust was too much. The cloud became thicker and darker until a small beam why use the word beam? does this cloud rise from ground to sky? if it does, consider using the word column. held fast, touching a part of the sand, that part of the sea of dunes untouched. Until the sand belched and popped and a horned creature crawled out. If that horned creature is the grand finale of chaotic, dark sand creatures, maybe give it a little more build up and a little more description.

            Where there was once silence, chaos had been born. Nothing to see here, only the best ending line in history.

 

 

 

Good yard,

(Warmest regards)

Snow

Posted by Tía Snow on Mon, 07/26/2021 - 13:23
Oh my goodness! Thank you so

Oh my goodness! Thank you so much!!!!! This made my day (and I am so sorry that it took me forever and a day to respond!) I will be posting more! I plan on having it has a story and just didn't really know where else to go, but I just got more background from what my husband envisioned and I have some more ideas. It might take a while but I hope you keep a lookout for it! I will make sure to post it in the sequence of this one! 

And thank you so much for all of your ideas, comments, and in general, feedback!! I really appreciate it! The song is by Jaymes Young called "Come Back for Me." He came up with this awesome scene for it, but I won't give too much away for what he imagines since I want to use it later on in the book! It is so great! I'd definitely reccomend if you don't know it already!  

Just thank you! I can't say that enough. It means so much when someone gives feedback and lets me know what they think.

 

"I'll do my best to stop being so interesting." Syl - The Way of Kings

Posted by rchallman on Mon, 09/13/2021 - 19:19

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