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Break In!

Break In!

Posted July 12th, 2017 by mischief

by Lioness
in Mars.

My heart felt as if it would explode out of my chest, it thumped so hard. I couldn't it caught.. My steps sound like elphants in the dark night. Then it happend, my only mistake, my foot knocked over somthing in the dark hall. Right next to the owner's bedroom. Suddenly the bed creaked loudly. I was in for it now! A couple minutes later a loud booming voice asked , " Who's there"? Oh, just Ray. You won't like, call the cops. will you? I wanted to shoot out, but didn't. They flipped on the light and came into my vision.It all happened so fast, a man liffted up the gun he had and...

The next thing I knew I was on my back, with a bullet in my shoulder.   Beside the man him half awake shirtless his boy, I reckon he was my age. To his ear he held a cell phone. After hanging up he told us the cops and paramedics were on the way. Oh great! Don't rember anything more, that's when I blacked out. My shoulder's thobing. Got to stop.                                                                                          


See more stories by Lioness
Give me liberty or give me

Give me liberty or give me death!-Patrick Henry. If you read this please comment or cc .

Posted by wildcat on Wed, 07/12/2017 - 16:16
A few spelling errors and

A few spelling errors and you seem to rush through the seen. But very interesting. Can't wait for more! ;)

__________
“There is something delicious about writing the first words of a story. You never quite know where they'll take you.”
- Beatrix Potter

Posted by Hey_its_Alem! on Wed, 07/12/2017 - 18:16
Exciting! I'll definitely

Exciting! I'll definitely follow! Some CC: elephant's should be elephants since it's plural; you don't need a comma after dark in "the dark night";you should put a comma after happened; and you just had a couple typos. Overall, though, it's a great hook and I love the speedy description of the narrator getting shot - it feels like (how I imagine) being shot would be like. Can't wait to read on!

I hope one day I can love something as much as women in commercials love yogurt.

Posted by Augusta on Thu, 07/13/2017 - 23:11
 Thanks!

 Thanks!

Posted by wildcat on Fri, 07/14/2017 - 11:57

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