/* PCD change http to https for CSRF JUL 2017 */ Cave Full of secrets chap 2. | KidPub Press //
Cave Full of secrets chap 2.

Cave Full of secrets chap 2.

Posted January 22nd, 2021 by Maggs101

by Lana
in Texas

Mom was leaving Brittany and Matt for a family emergency, which was confusing, because last time they checked they didn't have any relatives. It all started when Matt was on the couch and the strangest thing happened. Mom barged through the front door then bolted up the stairs. His sister, Brittany, looked at him seeming to say," what's wrong with her?" Matt shrugged. How was he sopposed to know? Brittany cleared her throat then got up and started for the stairs. On her forth step she stopped then turned to Matt. "Are you coming or not?", she said. He shrugged in reply. He was more interested with what was on tv than mom's strange behavior. Brittany snapped her fingers. "Matt come on!", she said this time losing her patients. He sighed. Why did he have to have a sister? more less a controlling one. "Matt!" she yelled snapping him out of his thoughts. "Fine, ill come, geez", he said rolling his eyes. They ran upstairs to their mom's room and knocked softly on her door. No one answered so they knocked again. This time the door opened making a creaking noise. Mom appeared at the door way sniffling and wiping her tears with her cashmere sleeve. "Hey kiddos," she said half-heartily. Brittany looked at her with concern. "uhh.. Mom are you ok? Matt looked at Brittany rolling his eyes really did she look ok?, he thought. Mom sighed and gestured her arm toward the bed. "Have a seat kids" she said. They shuffled across the room and sat. Mom cleared her throat. " I am leaving for a family emergency", she said not quite meeting their eyes. Matt glared at her." what Family? we don't have any family except eachother!", he said fuming. Brittany slapped his leg giving him a clear message to hush it. Mom got up suddenly and made her way toward her closet. Then She pulled out a suitcase and started packing it quickly. Brittany and Matt looked at eachother in disbelief. Matt waited for Brittany to start hounding mom with questions ,but she stayed quiet. "Fine, ill ask the questions. He thought to himself. " What relative?", he sqeaked out. Mom looked up startled ,but quickly hid it by plastering a fake smile. Strange, is she hiding something?,he thought. "Oh, just a friend i consider her family", she replied. Matt nodded. "yeah right, if that was true we would have heared about this "friend", he shot back. Mom just shrugged. Brittany rolled her eyes at matt." Never mind that, who will watch us?" she said. Mom turned to Brittany as if greatful for the change of topic. "My sister", she replied. Brittany's eyes got as big as saucers " But..But... I thought she was dead", she said in a shaky voice. Mom took a deep breath then looked her square in the eye " That's what i thought too". 


See more stories by Lana
Cool how we already see how

Cool how we already see how Mom is a human with flaws, right now, first chapter. She's so shifty and keeps lying because she can't face something. I like this premise and I wonder what's really going on. It's already established that Mom is an unreliable narrator. 

A couple of notes: 

-you changed the point of view. Last chapter was in first person. I presume Brittany is the "I" from last time, but that isn't entirely clear.

-when you start a new line of dialogue, you need to start a new paragraph. So for instance, instead of 

The fire crackled in the corner. "I love editing people's writing," cackled the old lady. "I know you do," groaned the child as his sister rolled her eyes behind him.

You need

The fire crackled in the corner.

"I love editing people's writing," cackled the old lady.

"I know you do," groaned the child as his sister rolled her eyes behind him.

 

Good yard,

(Warmest regards)

Snow

Posted by Tía Snow on Fri, 01/22/2021 - 20:06
Wow! thanks for your help i

Wow! thanks for your help i really appreciate it! 

Posted by Lana on Fri, 01/22/2021 - 20:25
You're very welcome!   Good

You're very welcome!

 

Good yard,

(Warmest regards)

Snow

Posted by Tía Snow on Fri, 01/22/2021 - 21:04
sorry if I am being picky

sorry if I am being picky but...

on the sentence... "Fine, ill come geez",   you need...  "Fine, I'll come, geez,"

you forgot an apostrophe, a comma, and the comma at the end should be inside to quotations

also on the sentence... His sister Brittany looked at him seeming to say what's wrong with her?  

you need... His sister, Brittany, looked at him seeming to say, "What's wrong with her?"

you forgot the commas around the name, and even though she is thinking you still need quotations

these sort of stuff happen often so just double check it!

Besides some very small grammer tweeks, it is sounding wonderful. I am excited for the next chapter!

____________________________________________________________________________________

It's not just a matter of trusting yourself but testing your abilities - Joseph sugarman

Posted by Olivinat on Sat, 01/23/2021 - 19:12
Thanks for your help!

Thanks for your help! editing is not my specialty! haha , but i will fix that right now. :) 

Posted by Lana on Sat, 01/23/2021 - 23:16

KidPub Authors Club members can post their own stories, comment on stories they've read, play on KidMud, enter our contests, and more!  Want to join in on the fun? Joining is easy! 

CLICK HERE TO GET STARTED!