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Cave full of secrets chap. 6

Cave full of secrets chap. 6

Posted March 19th, 2021 by Maggs101

by Lana
in Texas

Brittany Gulped then said, " What does that even mean?"  Matt shrugged and looked away.  All of a sudden the front door started rattling.  Brittany's eyes got as big as saucers.  She grabbed matt's hand and whispered softly, "Hide!"  Matt nodded slightly.  They made a run for the closet or, what they hoped was a closet.  Brittany twisted the closet's doorknob, but it wouldn't budge.  "What the-", Brittany started.  The front door stopped rattling and swung open.  Matt held his breath terrified on who it might be.  "A killer? A kidnapper? the gardener?" he had no idea.  To Matt's surprised, it was a older women.  The middle aged women didn't even look surprised to see them.  As if seeing two teenagers in your living room was completely normal.  The old women cleared her throat then said,  "I have been expecting you,"  Brittany looked at Matt with an expression on her face that read,"Is she insane?"  Matt shrugged and frowned.  Brittany looked back at the women and said, "And you are?"  The old women narrowed her eyes.  "Amanda Lee Jane, Or in your case Aunt Amanda", she replied.  Brittany's mouth formed an O shape then said, "Really? I thought you would have been well, younger."  The women scowled and said, "Just beacuse im 76 doesn't mean anything."  Brittany grimaced "Right i'm sorry..." Aunt Amanda waved her hand gesturing to forget about it.  Brittany cleared her throat then asked,"Why did you fake your death?" Their Aunt looked surprised, "That's Classified information", She snapped.  Brittany frowned and shut her mouth.  Uncomfortable silence filled the air.   A minute passed and their Aunt cleared her throat and said, "Now, How about i show you your rooms?"  Brittany and Matt nodded and grabbed their belongings.  They followed their Aunt up the stairs well, Matt tried following , but Brittany pulled him down the stairs.  Brittany whispered in his ear, "Our Aunt is hiding something"   Matt nodded in agreement.  He tried going upstairs Once more, but she pulled him down again .  "Im going to find out what's she's up too , and your going to help me".    


See more stories by Lana
Interesting. Aunt Amanda

Interesting. Aunt Amanda (great-aunt amanda?? it is very rare to have that huge an age gap between siblings) is very snappish and reticent. Not necessarily evil, though...I'll have to read more. Her intentions are unclear.

I don't know if KidPub is messing with your formatting?? It does for me sometimes. But whenever someone new talks, you want space between the last sentence and their dialogue. And you want more paragraph spacing, in general.

Like so:  

Brittany's mouth formed an O shape then said, "Really? I thought you would have been, well, younger."  

The woman scowled and said, "Just because I'm 76 doesn't mean anything."  

Brittany grimaced. "Right, I'm sorry..." 

Aunt Amanda waved her hand, gesturing to forget about it. Brittany cleared her throat then asked, "Why did you fake your death?"

Their Aunt looked surprised. "That's classified information," she snapped.  

Brittany frowned and shut her mouth. Uncomfortable silence filled the air.  

A minute passed and their Aunt cleared her throat and said, "Now, how about I show you your rooms?"  Brittany and Matt nodded and grabbed their belongings. They followed their Aunt up the stairs well, Matt tried following, but Brittany pulled him down the stairs.  

Brittany whispered in his ear, "Our aunt is hiding something!"  

Matt nodded in agreement. He tried going upstairs once more, but she pulled him down again. "I'm going to find out what's she's up to, and you're going to help me."

 

 

You may notice I have also amended punctuation and typos. You're pretty good for a new writer, but we all could use improvement! Some repeated problems I noticed:

-punctuation goes inside the quotation marks, not outside (while writing stories. Academic papers are a different story.)

-you need to capitalize I always. I, I'm, I've: all of those are capitalized, but no other pronouns except at the beginning of sentences. 

-you need more commas, darling. Fret not, many others could also use more. 

-Everyone is clearing their throats a lot. I would recommend finding other ways to express awkwardness--stuttering, rubbing the back of one's neck, noticing an awkward pause, et cetera.

 

That's all I have time for tonight! More coming later this week (maybe. Hopefully. We'll see.)

 

Good yard,

(Warmest regards)

Snow

Posted by Gracithe1andonly on Wed, 03/24/2021 - 23:42

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