The Chaotic Senseless Story Of Randomness! (Chapter 12)
Posted February 6th, 2018 by QuartzMaster
in The Ultimates Galaxy
ITS ERE DUDES! HAVE HUMOR RIGHT ERE! STEP UP WITH YOUR COUCH SANDWICHES!
Chapter 12: The Jail:
“AAAAHHHH!!!!” All the soldiers were panicking and were running around Mike and Draco in circles.
“…Maybe we should just go.” Draco said to Mike.
“We can’t. We’re surrounded by tanks and soldiers.” Mike replied.
“Tanks and soldiers that are terrified of me for some reason.” Draco said as he walked through the mass of people and tanks, with none of them noticing.
“AHHH! THE CRAZED LUNATIC IS ATTACKING US!!” Some soldiers fell to the ground, panicking as they somehow started bleeding when Draco walked past them.
“I’m not even gonna ask how that happened but you guys are some real pathetic soldiers.” Draco said.
“GET HIM!” shouted soldiers.
Then, a tank ran over Draco, squishing him and making him flatter than a pancake. The soldiers looked down.
“WHERE DID HE GO!?” The soldiers panicked. “AHHHH!”
Draco then put his thumb into his mouth before blowing, causing himself to puff up back to normal.
“I’m surprised that even worked.” Draco said, startling all of the soldiers even more.
“GET DA PSYCHOPATH!” yelled the man with the megaphone.
He then leaped from his tank and tackled Draco before handcuffing his hands and legs. “GOT EM!”
“YAAAY!” The soldiers celebrated.
“You are free to go!” The megaphone guy told Mike. “BE FREE HOSTAGE!”
“Wahoo! YAY!” Mike began skipping away and squatting while Draco watched from the ground.
“As for you, lunatic!” The megaphone guy said to Draco, “you are coming with me to jail! You shall be questioned!”
“Just a sec.” Draco said. “HEY! MIKE! I HAVE A QUESTION!”
“WHAT!?” Mike yelled from the distance, his voice echoing.
“HOW ARE YOU GONNA GET INTO YOUR HOUSE IF ALL OF THE TANKS ARE IN THE WAY?” Draco said back loudly.
“I’M HAVING A SLEEP OVER AT ETHAN THE TANK ENGINE'S HOUSE TONIGHT!” Mike yelled back, his voice echoing.
“OH, OKAY YOU HAVE FUN WITH THAT!” Draco yelled back.
“*GASP!* The crazed lunatic threatened the free hostage!” One soldier said, “good thing we already captured him.”
“Well actually you only… kinda caught me.” Draco said. “You forgot to do something.”
The megaphone guy then put duct tape on Draco’s mouth, and handcuffed him twice more.
“*MRPH MURF MARPH!*.” Draco said through the duct tape.
“Les take em to da jail!” The megaphone guy said.
[COMMAND INSERTED; SKIP THROUGH STORY]
Draco was now in a white room on a metal desk, where he was handcuffed to it. He was wearing a prisoner outfit. In front of him was a man in a suit with files in his hands, looking at Draco.
“Huh. Didn’t know the author could skip things.” Draco said.
“So…” the man said, “what do you have to say about your evil schemes of lunacy?”
“Well… I’ve gone grocery shopping a few times if that’s what you mean.” Draco said, not taking the situation very seriously.
“Was there something in the grocery store that made you insane?” The man asked.
“Well I guess there was that time Mike crushed me under some couches after putting me in a shopping cart.” Draco said.
“I see… Well, we’re gonna send in Patrick to talk with you.” The man said, getting up. He left the room, and Patrick, the same Patrick from before entered the room and sat in the chair, and stared at Draco.
“Oh hi Patrick! You're in the interrogating business now?” Draco asked.
“WHERE WERE U ON TEH NIGHT OF 1000000 B.C.E.?!?!?!?!?” Patrick screeched.
“I think I was yet to be born.” Draco replied.
“Hmm interesting…” Patrick said, taking down notes. “SO YOU ADMIT IT! YOU’RE INSANE!”
“Well no. I never said that.” Draco replied.
“LIES!” Patrick yelled. “I KNOW YOU’RE PIE’S ARE OPEN AND I CAN PROVE IT! You said you name was Norbert, wrong?”
“Very wrong. My name is Draco. Also what did that pie part even me-” Draco started to say before he was cut off.
“ALRIGHTY NORBERT!” Patrick yelled. “ENOUGH CHIT CHAT! You want some fluid crystal, or water?”
“First off. My name is D-R-A-C-O. Not Norbert. Second off I don’t want either.” Draco replied.
“FLABENHARBEN YOU WILL TALK! Look mate if ye don’t their gonna exacute yer buttox for lying.” Patrick exclaimed. “SO ADMIT THAT YER A CRADE LUNATIC! Whut have ye gone throu in yer life, dat mayve mad u dis way?!”
“Well there was Mike. and you as well to a certain extent. But mostly Mike.” Draco said.
“Butt Mike ish Norml!” Patrick yelled. “CORPERBALOON SHEEL WE TORTUR HIM! HE AIN’T TALKIN!”
“Well actually Mike says he’s an idiot. He admits that he isn’t normal.” Draco said.
“BAH! DRINK YER CRYSATL!” Patrick yelled, splashing molten crystal on Draco.
“...... And my face is gone.” Draco said, as the flesh on his face burned off due to the heat.
“BAH! DRIK UUR MAGICOL HELIN FLUID OF WONDERUS PURPLE!” Patrick yelled, slashing Draco with the magical healing fluid of wondrous purple, which was actually pure napalm.
For a second everything seemed fine. Then Draco’s head burst into purple flames.
“AHH! HE’S A FLAMIN SKULL MAN! RUN FER YOUR LIVES!” Patrick screamed into a mic, broadcasting his message all over wherever they were. “HE’S INSANE AND GONNA KILL US ALL!!!!”
“Huh. Surprisingly this hurts less then the stuff Mike put into my shower.” Draco said as then his whole body burst into purple flames so hot that they melted the handcuffs.
“THE LUNATIC IS LOOSE!! RUN!!!! RUN FOR YOUR PATHETIC LIVES!!!!!” Patrick screamed.
“Huh. Somehow the clothes didn’t burn up. Neat.” Draco the flaming skull man said as he got up off of his chair.
“GET IN HERE YOU USELESS ARMY AND KILL HIM!!!!” Patrick yelled so loud is hurt Draco’s ears, as they started to bleed.
Suddenly, the walls broke and tanks bigger than before surrounded Draco. All of them aimed at Draco.
“Guys think about how much repairing the walls is gonna cost!” Draco exclaimed. “You didn’t have to do that you know!”
Then, they all fired. At the same time at Draco. Draco, in a second, disintegrated.
“Huh. Don’t know if that was a smart idea.” Draco said before he somehow reformed only now he was floating and he was covered in turquoise flames.
“THAT’S NOT EVEN POSSIBLE YOU PIE SUCKER!” Patrick screeched as he was driving an even bigger tank, about the size of a thousand of the other tanks. “DIE LUNATIC!!!”
“Dude stahp screaming. You're gonna make someone deaf.” Draco said, somehow appearing next to Patrick.
“WHAT?!” Patrick yelled. “HOW ARE YOU HERE?!”
“I-D-K. I just am.” Draco said calmly while shrugging.
Suddenly, everything went back to a few minutes ago. Draco was in his prison suit and was handcuffed to the metal desk. Patrick sat in front of him.
“So, where were you when you went insane?” Patrick asked.
“In my house.” Draco replied.
“Where is your house?” Patrick asked.
“Where I was arrested.” Draco replied.
“Where are the spatial coordinates?” Patrick asked.
“What spatial coordinates?” Draco asked, very confused.
“The spatial coordinates of your house AKA the place you got arrested cuz I bought ur house so it’s mine now.” Patrick replied.
“Then wouldn’t you know since you bought it? Also why did you buy my house? That’s very rude.” Draco said.
“Because I needed it for EVIDENCE!” Patrick yelled. “YOU HAVE ILLIGAL ACID IN YOUR HOME! THAT’S WHY YOU WENT INSANE!!”
“Wait. Which acid are we talking about?” Draco asked. “The kind that makes you act weird or the one that melts things?”
“Melts things.” Patrick replied. “BUT YOU ALREDY KNEW THAT!!!”
“Well yeah. That’s because Mike put it in my shower, causing my flesh to melt off while he went with his friend on a flying skateboard to go drain his house of frog poison.” Draco said.
“AHA! SO YOU ADMIT YOU HAD POISON FOR OUR PRECIOUS FROGS!!!!” Patrick yelled, correcting a frog.
“No… Apparently a guy named Remington had a poison dart frog and filled Mike’s friend’s house with it.” Draco explained.
“NO! MURDERER! LUNATIC!” Patrick yelled. “Your cheesebuger frogs shall not live on to murder MOR!”
“Uhhh… I think you’re more of a lunatic then I am…” Draco said. “Also what the heck is a ‘cheeseburger frog’?
“YOUR MOTHER!” Patrick yelled.
“Okay that was just mean.” Draco said, looking a bit sad.
“YOUR MEAN YOU LUNATISTICAL FROM NURDERER!” Patrick yelled, making a lot of spelling errors.
“No it just means I’m sad now because you insulted my mom.” Draco said, a tear rolling down his face.
“AH! LUNATIC TEAR!” Patrick yelled, handcuffing Draco 100000 times.
“No it’s a sad tear.” Draco said, as another sad tear came down.
“Sorry.” Patrick said. “Look mate, you gotta fess up to ur cimes.”
“What? That I didn’t want a couch eating person to live in my house?” draco asked.
“NO the ther one.” Patrick said.
“Wut do u mean?” Draco asked.
“UR CRIMES!” Patrick yelled.
“Which are…?” Draco asked, clearly a few pages behind Patrick.
“Zyu stole a toaster, destroyed a theme park, and a few other things.”
“For the first one, I was hungry, the second one, I was derpy.” Draco said.
“NONSENSE!” Patrick yelled. “WHAT ABOUT THE DENTIST OFFICE?!?!?!?!”
“That was because you had your pet sheep drop a water tower on me.” Draco said.
“STILL UR FAULT!” Patrick yelled.
“NO IT’S NOT! THAT ONE WAS YOUR FAULT!” Draco yelled back.
“NO, IT WAS YOUR FAULT!!!”
“NO IT WASN’T!”
“YES IT WAS!!!!!”
“NO IT WASN’T!” Draco yelled, loud enough to shake the ground.
“YES. IT. WAS. END OF CONVERSATION.” Patrick yelled back. “U DESTROYED IT!”
“YOU'RE THE ONE THAT DROPPED THE TOWER!” Draco yelled back.
“UR THE ONE THAT BROKE ALL THE STUFF!!!!!” Patrick yelled.
“I BROKE NOTHING!” Draco yelled.
“YOU’VE BROKEN ALL OF THE THINGS!” Patrick shouts as the world around them turned into an apocalypse. “EVERYTHING DIED CUZ OF U!”
“WRONG! UR NOT DEAD! THAT MEANS YOU'RE WRONG!” Draco yelled back.
“YOUR FACE IS WRONG!” said a voice, and a fish appeared and was flopping around on the table.
“YOU’RE A PSYCHOPATH! LUNATIC! WE’RE JUST FIGMENTS OF YOUR FRACTURED PSYCHE!” Patrick yelled. “YOU’RE INSANE AND YOU KNOW IT!”
Suddenly, a editor decided to reverse things backwards because it was more creepy than silly and random. Unfortunately for Draco, he was basically stuck in an infinite loop of being questioned by Patrick the super amazing guy of wonderu- hey who changed my script? PATRICK!
“Shooo!” Patrick said, pointing the fish at Draco. “Show ur proooof dat ur not insane! Or a lunatic or wutever it wuz.”
“He’s insane! He must be banned! He must be kicked!” The fish shouted.
“YES! KICK HIS BOOTAY FISH!” Patrick yelled, throwing the fish at Draco’s butt. “KICK IT SI HARD HE ADMITS TO BEING A PIE MURDERING INSOMNIAC!”
“I have no legs! I can’t kick!” the fish complained, now flopping on the ground.
“I WILL GIVE U DEESE LEGS!” Patrick yelled, throwing a steel mannequin at Draco’s face, and it’s legs somehow break off and land next to the fish. “NOW U CAN KICK HIM!”
“Uh, no I still can’t. You kick him for me.” The fish flopped.
“FINE!” Patrick yelled, picking up a steel leg and hitting Draco repeatedly with it while screaming, “KICK KICK KICK KICK!! LEAVE!! KICK KICK KICK KICK!!!KICK KICK KICK KICK!! LEAVE!! KICK KICK KICK KICK!!!KICK KICK KICK KICK!! LEAVE!! KICK KICK KICK KICK!!!KICK KICK KICK KICK!! LEAVE!! KICK KICK KICK KICK!!!KICK KICK KICK KICK!! LEAVE!! KICK KICK KICK KICK!!!KICK KICK KICK KICK!! LEAVE!! KICK KICK KICK KICK!!!KICK KICK KICK KICK!! LEAVE!! KICK KICK KICK KICK!!!KICK KICK KICK KICK!! LEAVE!! KICK KICK KICK KICK!!!KICK KICK KICK KICK!! LEAVE!! KICK KICK KICK KICK!!!KICK KICK KICK KICK!! LEAVE!! KICK KICK KICK KICK!!!KICK KICK KICK KICK!! LEAVE!! KICK KICK KICK KICK!!!KICK KICK KICK KICK!! LEAVE!! KICK KICK KICK KICK!!!KICK KICK KICK KICK!! LEAVE!! KICK KICK KICK KICK!!!KICK KICK KICK KICK!! LEAVE!! KICK KICK KICK KICK!!!”
Suddenly, Draco had disappeared. The fish and Patrick exchanged looks.
“YAAAAY!” Patrick yelled. “Another successful interrogation! The disintegration tactic! I think…”
“We should celebrate!” the fish interupted.
“PARTY CANNON!” Patrick yelled, shooting the party cannon making an instant party complete with cake, people, and constant ukulele music as well as ever falling confetti. “WOOOHOOOOO!”
“Okay, enough celebration, now.” said the fish, “let’s return to our homes.”
“I dun have 1.” Patrick said. “Wait. I bout Draco’s. OK IMA GO DER!”
[COMMAND; SKIP INSERTED]
Patrick was now standing in front of Draco’s house. But it was his house because he bought it, or he claims to have bought it.
“DRACO ARE YOU IN MY YOUR HOUSE?!” Patrick yelled in question.
There was no answer, so Patrick went into Draco’s house that was now Patrick’s. He walked into the living room and pulled the plug under the TV to drain all the fluid that was in his house.
“To bad Draco no be hear. I wanna sit on him he’s so pie 3.141592.” Patrick said.
He was about to sit on the couch when suddenly…
“CHOMP!” The couch disappeared, eaten by a familiar person, named Mike.
“SHWETT PINEAPPLES OF PENS!” Patrick yelled, before sitting down on a copy machine (for some reason).
Mike suddenly ate the copy machine as well.
“HAI MEEOK!” Patrick yelled, sitting on a deathly pineapple.
Mike then ate the deathly pineapple, before burping loudly. Then Patrick hit him in the face with a fish.
“OW. WHAT WUZ DAT FOR?!” Mike yelled in question.
“BECUZ DRACO WUHZ KICKED! WER FREEEEE! Also dish is mah hoos I bot it.” Patrick replied. “Sho ha!”
“What?” Mike asked.
“I BOUHT DRACOS HOUSE!” Patrick yelled. “SO HA! IT IS MINE AND I WILL BE APPY PUNAPPLES!”
“Okay. I am your neighbor. I live in the carpet.” Mike said.
“No u leihv in dis sho!” Patrick said, holding up a boot. “Ur an old lady!”
Mike entered the carpet. “I’m in mah home. Therefore, I can tell YOU to shoe! SO SHOE!” Mike threw a shoe at Patrick’s face.
Patrick suddenly disappeared.
Draco suddenly appeared in his spot, looking normal.
“…How did I get here?” Draco asked, very confused. “AND WHERE DID MAH COUCH AND COPYING MACHINE GO!?”
“Patrick used to be here but I threw a shoe at him.” Mike answered from under the carpet.
“That doesn’t answer my questions.” Draco said. “ALSO I THOUGHT WE GOT YOU A NEW HOUSE OUTSIDE!”
Draco then looked out the window to see that Mike’s new house had been run over by one of the tanks.
“Nevermind.” Draco said.
Then suddenly Draco’s door was busted down. Again.
“YO WHAT BE UP MAH BOIS?!” a familiar voice said before a couch sandwich with a skateboard on it flew into the room.
“Zacko? Where are you?” Draco asked.
“DOWN HERE DRACO MAH BOI!” the couch sandwich said while jumping.
“He reincarnated into a couch sandwich. Because he was run over by a lawn mower.” Mike said from under the carpet.
“Actually Myk--” Zacko said.
“Hey you weren't yelling that time!” Draco said.
“OH SORRY. ANYWAY I WASN’T REINCARNATED INTO A SANDWICH INSTEAD WHILE I WAS INSIDE THAT AWESOME TREE, I LEARNED HOW TO CHANGE INTO DIFFERENT THINGS!” Zacko said before he turned back to his normal self.
“Huh. Ya better thank the author.” Mike said.
“I ALREADY HAVE THANKED HIM TWICE BOI!” Zacko said.
“Draco though… I don’t think he wants to thank him.” Mike said, looking at Draco.
“Well it’s more Patrick, Dora and the author's fault. So he only gets like... a third of the blame.” Draco said.
“But he is da one who made Patrick and Dora!” Mike said, “including us… But eh!”
“It’s better not to question it mah bois.” Zacko said. “Oh snap! I wasn’t yellin agaeen!”
“Anyway… now what do we do?” Draco asked.
“Hmmm… Let’s do something fun! The three of us!” Mike said, “because bad stuff happened before, and we need to do good stuff naw!”
“GOOD IDEA MYKE MAH BOI! WHAT SHUD WE DU THO?” Zacko asked.
“We could… Go to Disney World!” Mike suggested.
“HMMM… NAH BOI WE NEED SOMETHING BETTER…” Zacko said.
“But Draco is not weird, the author made him the only normal person in this whole book. We need to do something that he can do.” Mike said.
“WELL WASN’T HE WEIRD IN DA ENDING OF DA LAST BUUK?” Zacko asked.
“He was malfunctioning, but now he won’t do it again. Cuz if he does, da author said he would delete him, with a dramatic ‘forever’ at the end of da quote.” Mike said.
“Welp. Now I’m terrified.” Draco said, looking scared out of his soul.
“Don’ worry! Da author made it dat you won’t malfunction!” Mike said, eating a couch taco.
“Still terrifies me though.” Draco said now lying on his side in a ball formation on the couch.
“Den less go ta Disney World!” Mike suggested.
“FINE DEN, COME ON BOIS LEZ GO!” Zacko said as he grabbed both of them and in 3.14 seconds they were off to Disney World.
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