history of the entire world, i guess (script, original video by bill wurtz aka the king of everything)
Posted September 30th, 2021 by Not_Jello
Hi, you're on a rock floating in space. Pretty cool, huh? Some of it's water, fuck it, actually most of it's water. I can't even get from here to there without buying a boat. It's sad, I'm sad, I miss you. How did this happen?
A long time ago- actually, never, and also now, nothing is nowhere. When? Never. Makes sense, right? Like I said, it didn't happen. Nothing was never anywhere, that's why it's been everywhere. It's been so everywhere, you don't even need a where. You don't even need a when, that's how "every" it gets.
*Insert long pause with white screen here*
'Forget this. I wanna be something. Go somewhere. Do something. I want things to change. I want to invent time and space, and I know it's possible because everything is here, and it probably already happened, I just don't know when to start.' And that's exactly where it started.
*The sound of a VCR fast forwarding plays*
Ooh, I paused it. I think there's a universe now. What's it made of?
Quarks and stuff!
Ah, that's a thing, in a place. Don't like it? Try a new place, at a different time.
Try to stick together because the world is going to get bigger and emptier, but it's not empty yet. It's still very full and about a kjghpillion degrees.
*About no seconds pass*
Great news! The quarks are now happily married in groups of three, called a proton or a neutron, and there's something else flying around that wants to join in but can't because it's still too
*An explosion goes off as the screen says, "HOT."
*10 minutes pass*
Great news! The protons and neutrons are now happily married to eachother. Some of them even doubled up.
*About 380,000 years pass*
Great news! The electrons have now joined in.
Congratulations! The world is now a bunch of gas in space, but it's getting closer together...
*10 million years pass*
...and it's getting closer together...
*500 million years pass*
...and it's getting closer toget-
*An explosion occurs*
It's a star!
New shit just got made. Some stars burn out and die. Bigger stars burn out and die with passion, and some make brand new, way crazier shit...
...which allows newer, more interesting stars to be made, and then die, and then explode into-
Even crazier space dust!
...so now stars have cool stuff around them, like rocks, ice, and funny clouds, which can make some very interesting things. this ball of flaming rocks for example.
Holy shit! We just got hit with another ball of flaming rocks, and it kinda made a mess, which is-
Now the moon!
*The year is now -400,000,000*
Weather update, it's raining rocks from outer space
Weather update, those rocks might have have had water inside them, and now there's hot steam in the sky.
Weather update, it's raining.
Severe flooding alert! The entire world is now an ocean.
There's life in the ocean...
Something's alive in the ocean...
'Oh, cool. Like, a plant or an animal?'
No, a microscopic speck. It lives at the bottom of the ocean and eats chemical soup being served hot and fresh, made from gnarly space ingredients leftover from when it was raining rocks or whatever.
*The cell divides*
Oh, yeah, and it can do that.
*Those cells divide many more times*
It has secret instructions written inside of itself telling it how to build another one of itself. So that's pretty nifty, I would say.
Tired of living at the bottom of the ocean?
Now you can eat sunlight!
*The year is now -300,000,000*
Using a revolutionary technique, you can convert sunlight into food.
Taste the sun!
*The year is now -2,300,000,000*
Side effect, now there's oxygen everywhere and the sky is blue. Then the earth might have been a snowball for a while. Maybe even a couple of times.
*The year is now -500,000,000*
It's a sponge. It's a plant. It's a worm, and some other types of weird, strange water bugs and strange fish.
It's the Cambrian explosion!
'Wow, that's animals and stuff.'
'But we're still in the ocean. Hey, can we go on land?'
'The sun is a deadly laser!'
Not anymore, there's a blanket.
Now the animals can go on land. Come on animals, let's go on land!
'Nope, can't walk yet, and there's no food so I don't care.'
*100 million years pass*
'Okay, will you learn to walk if there's plants up here?'
Said some bugs...
The year is now -380,000,000. Fish grunts because it is struggling to get on land, for it has no legs. 500 million years pass. The year is now -370,000,000. Fish now has legs, for it has evolved into an amphibian.
'Okay, so I can go on land, but I have to go back into the water to-'
*The word "idea" flashes onto the screen*
Learn to use an egg.
'I was already doing that.'
Use a stronger egg. Put water in it. Have baby, on land, in an egg. Water is in the egg. Baby, in the egg, in the water, in the egg.'
*The year is now -312,000,000*
'Works for me.'
Bye bye, ocean!
*50 million years pass*
(~I'm gonna finish it later, maybe.~)
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