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I'm fine

I'm fine

Posted January 9th, 2019 by FrostBittenKitten

by starlight (luna)
in The heights

Did you know

that words hurt the most when

they come from someone you care about

carelessly thrown out like they don't even remember

you have feelings or

you were trying your best

 

When your mind already beats itself up

it's hard to hear that she is getting exactly what you wanted

from your friend who you could've sworn cares about you

who listened to you about everything and told you things too

who you sometimes think of as more than a friend

but everything comes back to earth in a mind-numbing clatter

 

"It's fine, it's not like I care anyway"

but you care, you care a lot

 

It's stupid of you to think that your problems matter

when everyone else has it so much worse

people are dying out there

and yet you feel so sorry for yourself

when you are fine

but telling yourself you're fine never quite makes you believe it

 

And you want to tell someone to relieve the pain

but you don't want to burden your friends

and if you told your friend that you were hurting

then she'd know you care

and you know that caring shouldn't be a bad thing

but your mind insists that you never had a shot at the part anyway

you shouldn't get so upset over something that was someone else's from the beginning

 

"It's whatever"

it is not whatever

it is a big deal to you

so why can't you say that?

 

And you want to say that you just can't handle this extra workload

but whenever you finally get the courage to bring it up

you are firmly reminded that it's important and that you are giving up on your future

what future?

you don't want to go in that direction

but you feel guilty for letting everyone down

because you're not perfect but if you don't cry then you can pretend to be

if there's no chinks in your armor then you can pretend to be what they want to you to

and they can never see you cry

or else they might know the words that your mind whispers in the darkness of night

telling you that you are a phony

and that you will never be what they want

 

Stuck between two poles

unable to choose because each feels like a betrayal

and either way your mind throws abuse at you for your decision

you can't win

most days you think you are in control

until the thoughts cloud your head and the only way to get rid of them is write them down

until they fade away and you are okay again for while

 

And you feel okay

and you mean it when you say you are fine for a while

but when your mind begins to pull you down that rabbit hole again

you wonder why they believe you when you lie

 

"I'm okay"

but you're not

and you wonder if it is because you are a good actor 

or because they just don't care

 

"I'm fine"


See more stories by starlight (luna)

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