/* PCD change http to https for CSRF JUL 2017 */ My first post!!!! ~~ The Flame Within ~~ Please read I would greatly appreciate it!! | KidPub Press //
My first post!!!! ~~ The Flame Within ~~ Please read I would greatly appreciate it!!

My first post!!!! ~~ The Flame Within ~~ Please read I would greatly appreciate it!!

Posted May 24th, 2012 by Tygerblossum

Tygerblossum's picture
by Tygerblossum
in Thimblewick, flying around with Tobias the ghostly talking mink just behind an airship three clouds to the left.

Hi everyone who clicked on this post!! This is the first story I have posted on kidpub, and I would LOVE for you to leave CC, since this is the first time I have EVER shown this story to ANYONE. I greatly trust you with the it. Please - if you can - leave CC, it would be greatly appreciated!!!

 

Prologue

The night wept for the fallen. But the man had no reason to mourn. He was a man on a mission. Tonight was the night.

 Silence was the only sound that met his ears. The rain fell lifelessly from the shadow of clouds above him. The sky was a dark shade of grey, almost black, softened with the rolling clouds. Far off in the distance, over the churning dishwater sea, a single finger of lightning fell from the heavens. But no sound followed.  Only the continuous thump of his heart.

Invisible fingers played with his jacket, slowly tugging at the thin, tattered material. He watched through uncaring eyes as the storm tore at the dull brass buttons that hung limply on his threadbare jacket. His only refuge, his only escape from the dark breath of the night.

The wind continued its tempest, until the man finally gave up, and watched it fly lifelessly out over the cliff, buffeted like a rag doll before settling on the jagged rocks below. He kept his eyes trained on the jacket. The teeth of the waves slowly edged towards it. Stained yellow lips of froth glided across the rocks: like a stray cat amusing itself with chess pieces strewn helplessly to the floor. The jacket, tugging away from the waves in protest, slipped free of the rock it was hooked on and slowly drifted out towards the horizon, like a lonely smudge in the ashen scene.

 His view scooped along the waves, his hawk-like eyes examining the bleak forces of nature. He glanced back. Something small had caught his eye, and soon a second glance would prove he was seeing things. But he was wrong.

Slowly but surely, a small bead of light emerged from the tumbling waves. It resembled a firefly, and a small smile played on his lips. It was the only light he had seen in days. The only light other than fire. Other. He thought miserably. It was a welcome change.

The mysterious man rubbed his eyes. Surely it wasn’t – no it was. The small firefly was expanding. It was now the size of a glistening coin, fresh out of the mint. It grew; its flowing edges seemingly spreading across the pallid grey waves. And if he looked closely, just ever so slightly, he could see a pale hand in the soft emitted glow.

His heart skipped two beats. A small wooden boat, stripped of its paint and skeletal like, edged towards the jagged rocks. The orb of light, now close enough to see a pale figure seated behind it, seemed to spread over the grey scene as if the water was devouring it. Much like a paper as it tries to absorb as much of the drop of ink as it can. The waves seemed to scramble over the top of each other like greedy rats, longing to take a piece of colour back for keepsake.

 A small figure could now be made out. A man, seemingly in his forties, with a body much like a greyhound’s; skin taut over his ribcage as if in fear it might fall off.  Small goosebumps had risen over his chest like an endless pattern of braile. His face was unshaven; scraggly and dog-like, alternating lengths of stubble stretched over his sharp cheekbones. Heavy black bags hung under his eyes, red claws reached for his pupils. But the thing most alluring about this man was that in his lap, a sodden, terrified toddler clung to her brother with saucer eyes. And as they reached the jagged graveyard of rocks, a rope ladder was slipped down to him from the cliff above.

A grateful expression snapped over his face. He urged the two toddlers onto the rope, and the boy climbed forward with wobbly limbs. The girl had her chubby arms wrapped around his match-stick legs in an iron grip. And with a sigh of defeat, he scaled the cliff with the toddler still locked around his leg.

The man finally struggled to the top of the swaying ladder, and just before hauling himself up and over the crumbling lip of the cliff, he dropped his gaze to the rocks below. His face instantly snapped to a milky white mask, seemingly luminous in the soft glow of the lantern that was now locked tight in his grasp. Below him, the shattered remains of the little timber boat floated like driftwood on the swirling black waves, which drew back and expanded its foamy lip in a wicked smile.

The lantern dropped without warning. It seemed to float down to the water, hovering like a feather dropped from a malting bird. It hit the dishwater sea with the tiniest splash, and the droplets lit up in the dying light, like diamonds in a timeless chandelier.

It sunk slowly, seeming to be sucked under the glassy wall like a drop of water on an old paper photograph; trapped forever in the unreachable world below.

For a few seconds the image stained the man’s eyes like the water had stained the photograph. But then it was gone. The last drop of light had evaporated into the inky tendrils of the sea.

The man watching the scene sighed. Now, the only pure light he had seen in days had vanished. But he wasn’t here for the light. Well, partly, he was. But this sudden chain of events had snapped him back into his original train of though. He was on a mission.

The man, over his brief attack of panic, slowly urged the toddlers forward, marching them through the shadows of the toppled spires belonging to the scorched skeleton of the jail. The girl, younger than the boy, walked forward with no objection. But the boy was smarter than that. He approached with tentative steps; with caution.

Poor boy. He already has a hint for what he is in for. The man at the top of the hill sighed, his eyes trained on the boy the other man led up the hill. He glanced over his shoulder, and the scene from last night rushed up to meet him.

A smouldering jail sat glumly in the dark presence of the night. Soot covered bricks piled with charred planks and debris lay on the faint ember glow of the curling strips of ash. Toppled spires and melted chunks of glass and metal were draped over the sepia grass; singed footprints were imprinted in an endless path across the lifeless ground. Hazy trails of smoke danced around him, suffocating him. His eyes were lined with tears, his throat like sandpaper.  A faint crackle could still be heard, the spitting remains of the fire chanting a soothing lullaby to the churning waves. Men scampered over the cinders dragging bricks and clearing the buried concrete ground.

Reality rushed back as the man in front of him cleared his throat.

The stranger made a curt nod to his master, and tried to nudge the toddlers forward from the spot they had dug their feet into. The man stared hard at the two of them, surveying every small detail with a criticizing eye. The little girl was first to step forward, the man’s shy smile reflected in her shiny, terror-filled eyes. The boy followed, caution in his step as he nervously glanced at his little sister, who was now swinging off the man’s legs in delight.

“These are the two?” The man’s gruff voice cut into the stiff air like a knife.

The stranger hesitated, unable to piece his words into a sentence that the harsh man couldn’t disapprove of. He was used to his type; snatching your words and picking at them like a vulture at flesh. The man he was trying to impress made a sound between a cough, choke and a snort; As if informing the stranger that he hadn’t got all day.

 He finally settled for the least irritating sentence he could.

“Yes. I grabbed them from the orphanage at 10:00 pm. Their parents died in a fire yesterday. The girl is spoken to hold some bizarre powers.”  The stranger nodded towards the girl weaving in-between the man’s legs in a figure eight fashion, followed closely by her brother. As she grasped his bony leg to do another loop in her endless trail, he caught a glimpse of what the unkempt man was motioning too. Her left hand was blackened, singed and peeling from the licks of the fire.

“So only the girl posses the powers?” He asked curiously, hoping the young boy would have magic running through his veins too.

The stranger who brought the toddlers admitted the truth reluctantly.

“Yes. The boy has had a thorough testing, and nothing shows up.” The man glanced at the girl, who was now holding flickers of fire on her singed fingertips, casting dancing shadows on her brother’s awestruck face. A tingling sensation pulled at the edge of his lips, and for what seemed the first time, he smiled a curt smile of admiration.

“Is she going to spend her life in the centre? I mean, she couldn’t really survive out there.” The stranger asked, motioning across the sea to the unseen world beyond while his eyes were still trained on the toddler, intrigued by the girl’s attraction to the glowing flames. The man swung his head towards the sea, sighed, and then back to the smouldering gaol, which was sitting hollow in its new black coat; the same coat that dusted the girl’s fingertips.

The man reluctantly admitted what he knew was right.

“Yes. The girl will stay here. I’m sure we will recruit more of her kind. He brother can stay here and work for me. He will learn well.” The stranger, as keen for this fate as his master was, shuffled nervously on his feet, swaying and grasping his elbows.

 The man, standing impatiently, shot him a glance that told the stranger he didn’t have all day. A shrill whistle echoed through his teeth, and two bulky, black-clad men emerged from the shadows behind him, seeming to step out of thin air. The stranger jumped back with a start, his mouth hanging open limply as if it was unhinged from his jaw. Realisation slapped him in the face and he snapped his gaping mouth shut, puzzling over how they could have stood there for the whole conversation and not moved a muscle; like hungry gargoyles silently eyeing their prey, emitting noiseless breaths locking their muscles in a statue-like stance.

 The two buff, mysterious men pulled the siblings apart, turning them and dragging them away from each other. The minute they left each other’s sight the protests began.

The man watched as the men lead the toddlers in different directions, the boy tossing and turning,  clawing at the man’s stiff uniform in a desperate attempt  to get away from their icy hands and reunite with his sister, and the girl screaming out between sobs, her body convulsing, longing for her brother’s grasp.

The thin, dishevelled stranger leaned over and whispered in his master’s ear, his voice trimmed with uncertainty. “Are you sure you want to do this?”

His companion nodded his head with a blank stare.  

 “Yes. We have to. It’s our only choice.” And he stared at the two disappearing children, being lead into two different treacherous lives, and listened to the whispers of regret that swirled through his head.

 

 

Thankyou so much for reading!! I hope you liked it!! I will be posting more soon!

Oh, and I almost forgot! Although you probably can't think of any at this point in the story (cause it's only the prologue!) I would love it if you could think of a title for this story :D

Thanks again for reading! :D

 

 

 

 

 


See more stories by Tygerblossum
CC: Small goosebumps had

CC:

Small goosebumps had risen over his chest like an endless pattern of braile.

It should be:

Small goosebumps had risen over his chest like an endless pattern of braille. I love the comparison, though.

I like your writing style. Oh, and by the way, welcome to KidPub!

 

I think of life itself now as a wonderful play that I've written for myself, and so my purpose is to have the utmost fun playing my part. ~Shirley MacLaine

Posted by Nightlock (Lauren) on Thu, 05/24/2012 - 03:21
Thanks lauren! I knew it was

Thanks lauren! I knew it was spelt wrong and I tried looking up the correct spelling on google but nothing came up. My spellcheck refused to show me the proper spelling and my brain broke while trying to read over it XD

Thankyou! I'm glad you liked it! I've been trying to improve it lately, my old style REALLY lack description. So this one is probably overloaded with description XD I should be posting chapter 1 soon (hopefully) so could you please look out for it!

Have fun writing,

~Tygerblossum

Posted by Tygerblossum on Thu, 05/24/2012 - 04:00
Great book! Heres a  title

Great book! Heres a  title idea: Twilight Hunter

Posted by Ben on Thu, 05/24/2012 - 05:30
Thanks Ben! I really tried

Thanks Ben! I really tried hard on this prologue!

Twilight Hunter is an awesome name! I will take it into concideration!

Posted by Tygerblossum on Thu, 05/24/2012 - 05:37
This is pretty good! The

This is pretty good! The only thing I would point out is description. It's a bit of an overload. Too little, and your readers can't tell what's going on. Too much, and you lose your readers. It's a delicate balance. I'm kinda fond of detail myself XD

The Accident Prone Otaku

"Your punishment: Ten minutes with a live octopus in your pants!!"- Mr. Icchan, Angelic Layer

Posted by The Accident Pr... on Thu, 05/24/2012 - 09:01
Thanks Otaku! Yeah, I did go

Thanks Otaku! Yeah, I did go a bit overboard on the description XD It's just so fun I didn't know when to stop! Originally it had hardly any description but I went on a massive editing frenzy and just shoved in a whole chunk of random words and sentences XD Thanks for reading!

Posted by Tygerblossum on Fri, 05/25/2012 - 01:00
I do that all the time :) I

I do that all the time :) I generally write an idea down on paper, and then when I type it up on Word, I add a bunch of extraneous stuff, and then come back later and do a major edit :)

"I am simply one h*ll of a butler." --Sebastian Michealis, Black Butler.

Posted by The Accident Pr... on Mon, 07/30/2012 - 15:14
Lol, we have the exact same

Lol, we have the exact same habits XD I always add in way too much description XD But, when it comes to editing, I can't seem to get rid of any of it XD

Posted by Tygerblossum on Tue, 07/31/2012 - 00:54
I chuck some (description),

I chuck some (description), and then keep others, leave it alone for a while, come back to it, read the particular section, leave that, if I'm stified with it, if not, I might add some, or take some, or even delete it, and then do the same process until I'm satisfied. Sometimes it goes well, others... eh well, you can't have it perfect everytime :) 

"I am simply one h*ll of a butler." --Sebastian Michealis, Black Butler.

Posted by The Accident Pr... on Fri, 08/03/2012 - 16:21
Thats a good process ^_^

Thats a good process ^_^ Normally I just fix up typos, so thats why there's so much description XD Yeah, I hate it when you have a really good chapter, and then the next one sucks XD Sometimes, being a writer is sooooooo annoying XDD

Posted by Tygerblossum on Fri, 08/03/2012 - 18:37
Thanks! Yeah, I'm not so

Thanks! Yeah, I'm not so good with grammatical errors, pretty good with spelling though. Sometimes I thank god for spell check and other times I want to KILL it. yeah, sometimes it is frutrating to be a writer. But the times when you have people asking when the next chapter comes out are worthh the frustration :)

"I am simply one h*ll of a butler." --Sebastian Michealis, Black Butler.

Posted by The Accident Pr... on Mon, 08/06/2012 - 11:31
I HATE grammar XD And

I HATE grammar XD And grammar hates me XXD I almost killed my spellcheck when in my assignment it said plolution instead of polution -_-

And when it automatical corrects stuff when you dont want it to AND when you write a cool fancy sentence it tells you to remove it. I just fill my page up with crazy senences and say "TAKE THAT YOU STUPID SPELL CKECK YOU ARE NOW OVERLOADED WITH AWESOMENESS!" XDD

Yeah... I luff those good times :)

Posted by Tygerblossum on Tue, 08/07/2012 - 01:47
Yeah, one day, I was typing

Yeah, one day, I was typing up a essay, and the spellcheck and grammar weren't working. >:|

And the automatic correction >;| *eye twitches* Sometimes it's okay, but when it flags my made up name, or worse yet, changes it, I just want to kill it. I totatlly get the cool sentence bit to. It does that all the time with my dialouge. It'll be nice and natural sounding, and then it flags a sentence fragment. -_-

"I am simply one h*ll of a butler." --Sebastian Michealis, Black Butler.

Posted by The Accident Pr... on Tue, 08/07/2012 - 08:55
Ouchhh.... that wouldn't

Ouchhh.... that wouldn't have been good D:

Grrrr, spellcheck is annoying sometimes D: But other times its awesome :D Yeah, whenever I write Ash's (for my character) it changes it to ashes -_- Not impressed D: XD

 

Posted by Tygerblossum on Wed, 08/08/2012 - 00:48
Yeah.. I once had a charater

Yeah.. I once had a charater called Skye, and whenever it needed to be possessive, it would flag it, and then it would be all "no suggestions" -_- Sooo not impressed. Of course, if I don't add them to the dictionary, I get trouble with half my names as they're either japanese, or something of my own invention, or some oddball obscure name that I liked.

"I am simply one h*ll of a butler." --Sebastian Michealis, Black Butler.

Posted by The Accident Pr... on Thu, 08/09/2012 - 10:34
Yeah, I hate it when it

Yeah, I hate it when it flags them and then comes up with no suggestion -_- I know what you mean! Nearly all my names are crazy awesome names that I love :D I just love weird names XD

Posted by Tygerblossum on Fri, 08/10/2012 - 01:05
Yeah, weird names are

Yeah, weird names are cool.

I has a questions (bad grammar, so funny :D). Are you entering the August writing contest? I just finished the entirety of my entry, now I'm gonna go back and edit 'n' such :| Editing is sometimes really boring.

"I am simply one h*ll of a butler." --Sebastian Michealis, Black Butler.

Posted by otaku on Fri, 08/10/2012 - 11:37
Weird names are awesome

Weird names are awesome :D

Nahhh, I'm not entering. I don't think I'm aloud to anyway D: Good luck! I can't wait to read it! Editing is boring :D

Posted by Tygerblossum on Sat, 08/11/2012 - 17:56
   Why wouldn't you be

   Why wouldn't you be alowed to? Anyone can do it, is what I understand.

I will post the story after the winners are announced (you can't post it on the NSP if your a contestant until the winners are announced). Thanks for de luck ;D

"I am simply one h*ll of a butler." --Sebastian Michealis, Black Butler.

Posted by The Accident Pr... on Sun, 08/12/2012 - 11:01
You win book vouchers if you

You win book vouchers if you win, don't you? Yeah... my parents probably wouldn't let me do it because of that. AND I live in Australia sooooo.... it would probably be complicated :P

YAY! I wanna read it!!! :D As for the luck, no worries ;) But you wont need it.

Posted by Tygerblossum on Tue, 08/14/2012 - 00:39
As to the vouchers, I have

As to the vouchers, I have no idea. I guess it would be complicated, to mail a prize to Australia :)

Okay, I'll be sure to post it afterwards.

Interesting. I don't care. (XD) You know what I am?

I AM AN ALIEN! Of the strange species some people call "writers" *shudders* Sorry, My alter ego took over a for a moment there.

Posted by The Accident Pr... on Tue, 08/14/2012 - 09:08
Yeah.... complicated :P

Yeah.... complicated :P Anyway, when do you find out the winner?

Yay!

*reads next bits* HUH??? *le confused*

Posted by Tygerblossum on Wed, 08/15/2012 - 00:45
Uhh, sometime in September.

Uhh, sometime in September. The last bit of my comment is my sig. The first bit "interesting. I don't care", is a Sherlock-esque thing my sis thought up. The other bt is something random that came to my mind and I put on me sig.

Interesting. I don't care.

(XD) You know what I am? I AM AN ALIEN! Of the strange species some people call "writers" *shudders* Sorry, My alter ego took over a for a moment there.

Posted by The Accident Pr... on Wed, 08/15/2012 - 15:45
Ohhhh, I get it now ;D I

Ohhhh, I get it now ;D I don't have a sig D: *thinks about making one*

Posted by Tygerblossum on Thu, 08/16/2012 - 01:13
Eh, generally mine is just a

Eh, generally mine is just a random quote or something that I thought up. Look how tiny the comments are :D

Interesting. I don't care. (XD) 

You know what I am? I AM AN ALIEN! Of the strange species some people call "writers" *shudders* Sorry, My alter ego took over a for a moment there.

Posted by The Accident Pr... on Thu, 08/16/2012 - 11:55
I think Im going to have a

I think Im going to have a link to my story. :D ZEY ARE SO SKINNY!

Posted by Tygerblossum on Fri, 08/17/2012 - 02:01
That be a good idea! Though,

That be a good idea! Though, If I did that, I don't know which one I'd post.

 You know what I am? I AM AN ALIEN! Of the strange species some people call "writers" *shudders* Sorry, My alter ego took over a for a moment there.

Posted by The (APO) on Fri, 08/17/2012 - 09:27
Yeah, I think I'd link it to

Yeah, I think I'd link it to my prologue :D I only have one story ;)

Posted by Tygerblossum on Fri, 08/17/2012 - 19:50
i wanna be tinyyy   They

i wanna be tinyyy

 

They can survive, just not as two. Read A Soul's Petal! https://www.kidpub.com/book-page-or-chapter/souls-petal-prologue-3288161...

Posted by aesthetic name *Sy* on Sun, 01/14/2018 - 22:22
I log into this website

I log into this website after years of being inactive, and this is what I find on my post haha
How did you even find this story to comment on it? I'm genuinely curious, seeing I posted it so long ago. :)

All it takes is a spark...

Posted by Tygerblossum on Fri, 01/19/2018 - 07:35
uhhh idk I don't remember I

uhhh idk I don't remember I think it was that I was sEaRcHinG through kp and pOoF i found this and yeah hi I didn't expect this but hi

 

They can survive, just not as two. Read A Soul's Petal! https://www.kidpub.com/book-page-or-chapter/souls-petal-prologue-3288161...

Posted by freeeeeeeeeeeee... on Fri, 01/19/2018 - 17:30
Oh. My. Pooping.

Oh. My. Pooping. Jellybeans.

Your first post? YOUR FIRST POST??? YOU ARE AN AMAZING WRITER!!!!!! :O This is...wow, I can't even BEGIN to describe it.

~I hate to admit it to myself, I'd? really hate to admit it to my friends, but... I love this show! I love ponies! ... O_o I'm a pegasister!~

Posted by Creeper(Rockshadow) on Thu, 05/24/2012 - 09:40
OMPJ I never thought I would

OMPJ I never thought I would have this many comments and reads! Thankyou so much Rockshadow I'm flattered. O//////_///////O I REALLY didn't think I'd get feedback like this

:)

I just realised something. This means I have to raise the bar for my next chapter to a whole new level. *facepalm**

Thankyou soooo much for your awesome comment and for reading this post. :)

Posted by Tygerblossum on Fri, 05/25/2012 - 01:06
This is really good!! way

This is really good!! way better than anything i could have done!

Posted by Rosie and Ella (R&E) on Thu, 05/24/2012 - 09:52
Thankyou!! I tried really

Thankyou!! I tried really hard on this prologue! If anthing, the prologue is the thing that convinces people to read a book XD I never thought I would get feedback like this!

Thankyou!

Posted by Tygerblossum on Fri, 05/25/2012 - 01:08
First, WELCOME TO KIDPUB!!

First, WELCOME TO KIDPUB!! :D

Anyways.

ALL in all, your prologue is EPIC! :D I just LOVE the description, and especially the personification and metaphors. Awesometastical!! :D I can’t wait for the next chapter!!

Oh, and sorry if my CC is kinda off…:P I’m not sure about some things, but that’s probably just me. J

 

 

CC:

The night wept for the fallen. But the man had no reason to mourn. He was a man on a mission. Tonight was the night. (Hmm, here there’s a LOT of short sentences :P)

 Silence was the only sound that met his ears. The rain fell lifelessly from the shadow of clouds above him.(Seems kinda jumped into the other sentence.) The sky was a dark shade of grey, almost black, softened with the rolling clouds. Far off in the distance, over the churning dishwater sea, a single finger of lightning fell from the heavens. But no sound followed.  Only(double space behind Only) the continuous thump of his heart.

Invisible fingers played with his jacket, slowly tugging at the thin, tattered material(Your alliteration is awesome! :D). He watched through uncaring eyes as the storm tore at the dull brass buttons that hung limply on his threadbare jacket. His only refuge, his only escape from the dark breath of the night.(His jacket or buttons? :P Just wondering…)

The wind continued its tempest, until the man finally gave up, and watched it(At this point, it seems the man is watching the WIND when he’s actually watching the jacket.)  fly lifelessly out over the cliff, buffeted like a rag doll before settling on the jagged rocks below. He kept his eyes trained on the jacket. The teeth of the waves slowly edged towards it. Stained yellow lips of froth glided across the rocks: like a stray cat amusing itself with chess pieces strewn helplessly to the floor.(LOVE IT! :D) The jacket, tugging away from the waves in protest, slipped free of the rock it was hooked on and slowly drifted out towards the horizon, like a lonely smudge in the ashen scene.

 His view scooped along the waves, his hawk-like eyes examining the bleak forces of nature. He glanced back. Something small had caught his eye, and soon a second glance would prove he was seeing things. But he was wrong.

Slowly but surely, a small bead of light emerged from the tumbling waves. It resembled a firefly, and a small smile played on his lips. It was the only light he had seen in days. The only light other than fire. Other. He thought miserably(I understand you’re trying to make him miserable at the thought of fire, but maybe since he’s seeing another light he should be more welcoming. XP). It was a welcome change.

The mysterious man rubbed his eyes. Surely it wasn’t – no it was. The small firefly was expanding. It was now the size of a glistening coin, fresh out of the mint. It grew; its flowing edges seemingly spreading across the pallid grey waves. And if he looked closely, just ever so slightly, he could see a pale hand in the soft emitted glow.

His heart skipped two beats. A small wooden boat, stripped of its paint and skeletal like, edged towards the jagged rocks. The orb of light, now close enough to see a pale figure seated behind it, seemed to spread over the grey scene as if the water was devouring it. Much like a paper as it tries to absorb as much of the drop of ink as it can. The waves seemed to scramble over the top of each other like greedy rats, longing to take a piece of colour(color) back for keepsake.

 A small figure could now be made out. A man, seemingly in his forties, with a body much like a greyhound’s; skin taut over his ribcage as if in fear it might fall off.  Small goosebumps had risen over his chest like an endless pattern of Braille. His face was unshaven; scraggly and dog-like,(I think you should add a “the” here.)alternating lengths of stubble stretched over his sharp cheekbones. Heavy black bags hung under his eyes, red claws(sorry, but what are the claws referring too? :P) reached for his pupils. But the thing most alluring about this man was that in his lap, a sodden, terrified toddler clung to her brother with saucer eyes. And as they reached the jagged graveyard of rocks, a rope ladder was slipped down to him from the cliff above.

A grateful expression snapped over his face. He urged the two toddlers onto the rope, and the boy climbed forward with wobbly limbs. The girl had her chubby arms wrapped around his match-stick legs in an iron grip. And with a sigh of defeat, he scaled the cliff with the toddler still locked around his leg.

The man finally struggled to the top of the swaying ladder, and just before hauling himself up and over the crumbling lip of the cliff, he dropped his gaze to the rocks below. His face instantly snapped to a milky white mask, seemingly luminous in the soft glow of the lantern that was now locked tight in his grasp. Below him, the shattered remains of the little timber boat floated like driftwood on the swirling black waves, which drew back and expanded its foamy lip in a wicked smile.(LOVE IT! XD)

The lantern dropped without warning. It seemed to float down to the water, hovering like a feather dropped from a malting bird. It hit the dishwater sea with the tiniest splash, and the droplets lit up in the dying light, like diamonds in a timeless chandelier.

It sunk slowly, seeming to be sucked under the glassy wall like a drop of water on an old paper photograph; trapped forever in the unreachable world below.

For a few seconds the image stained the man’s eyes like the water had stained the photograph. But then it was gone. The last drop of light had evaporated into the inky tendrils of the sea.

The man watching the scene sighed. Now, the only pure light he had seen in days had vanished. But he wasn’t here for the light. Well, partly, he was. But this sudden chain of events had snapped him back into his original train of though. He was on a mission.

The man, over his brief attack of panic, slowly urged the toddlers forward, marching them through the shadows of the toppled spires belonging to the scorched skeleton of the jail. The girl, younger than the boy, walked forward with no objection. But the boy was smarter than that. He approached with tentative steps; with caution.

Poor boy. He already has a hint for what he is in for. The man at the top of the hill sighed, his eyes trained on the boy the other man led up the hill. He glanced over his shoulder, and the scene from last night rushed up to meet him.

A smouldering(smoldering) jail sat glumly in the dark presence of the night. Soot covered bricks piled with charred planks and debris lay on the faint ember glow of the curling strips of ash.(run on sentence, add some commas here and there.) Toppled spires and melted chunks of glass and metal were draped over the sepia grass; singed footprints were imprinted in an endless path across the lifeless ground. Hazy trails of smoke danced around him, suffocating him. His eyes were lined with tears, his throat like sandpaper.  A faint crackle could still be heard, the spitting remains of the fire chanting a soothing lullaby to the churning waves. Men scampered over the cinders dragging bricks and clearing the buried concrete ground.

Reality rushed back as the man in front of him cleared his throat.

The stranger made a curt nod to his master, and tried to nudge the toddlers forward from the spot they had dug their feet into. The man stared hard at the two of them, surveying every small detail with a criticizing eye. The little girl was first to step forward,the man’s shy smile reflected in her shiny, terror-filled eyes. The boy followed, caution in his step as he nervously glanced at his little sister, who was now swinging off the man’s legs in delight.

“These are the two?” The man’s gruff voice cut into the stiff air like a knife.

The stranger hesitated, unable to piece his words into a sentence that the harsh man couldn’t disapprove of. He was used to his type; snatching your words and picking at them like a vulture at flesh. The man he was trying to impress made a sound between a cough, choke and a snort(XD Lol..); As if informing the stranger that he hadn’t got all day.

 He finally settled for the least irritating sentence he could.

“Yes. I grabbed them from the orphanage at 10:00 pm. Their parents died in a fire yesterday. The girl is spoken to hold some bizarre powers.”  The stranger nodded towards the girl weaving in-between the man’s legs in a figure eight fashion, followed closely by her brother. As she grasped his bony leg to do another loop in her endless trail, he caught a glimpse of what the unkempt man was motioning too. Her left hand was blackened, singed and peeling from the licks of the fire.

“So only the girl posses the powers?” He asked curiously, hoping the young boy would have magic running through his veins too.

The stranger who brought the toddlers admitted the truth reluctantly.

“Yes. The boy has had a thorough testing, and nothing shows up.” The man glanced at the girl, who was now holding flickers of fire on her singed fingertips, casting dancing shadows on her brother’s awestruck face. A tingling sensation pulled at the edge of his lips, and for what seemed the first time, he smiled a curt smile of admiration.

“Is she going to spend her life in the centre? I mean, she couldn’t really survive out there.” The stranger asked, motioning across the sea to the unseen world beyond while his eyes were still trained on the toddler, intrigued by the girl’s attraction to the glowing flames. The man swung his head towards the sea, sighed, and then back to the smouldering gaol(smoldering goal), which was sitting hollow in its new black coat; the same coat that dusted the girl’s fingertips.

The man reluctantly admitted what he knew was right.

“Yes. The girl will stay here. I’m sure we will recruit more of her kind. He brother can stay here and work for me. He will learn well.” The stranger, as keen for this fate as his master was, shuffled nervously on his feet, swaying and grasping his elbows.

 The man, standing impatiently, shot him a glance that told the stranger he didn’t have all day. A shrill whistle echoed through his teeth, and two bulky, black-clad men emerged from the shadows behind him, seeming to step out of thin air. The stranger jumped back with a start, his mouth hanging open limply as if it was unhinged from his jaw. Realisation(realization) slapped him in the face and he snapped his gaping mouth shut, puzzling over how they could have stood there for the whole conversation and not moved a muscle; like hungry gargoyles silently eyeing their prey, emitting noiseless breaths(comma here or a different word like “while” or something…) locking their muscles in a statue-like stance.

 The two buff,(I’m not sure if the comma is needed….I dunno.)mysterious men pulled the siblings apart, turning them and dragging them away from each other. The minute they left each other’s sight the protests began.

The man watched as the men lead the toddlers in different directions, the boy tossing and turning,  clawing at the man’s stiff uniform in a desperate attempt  to get away from their icy hands and reunite with his sister, and the girl screaming out between sobs, her body convulsing, longing for her brother’s grasp.

The thin, dishevelled(disheveled) stranger leaned over and whispered in his master’s ear, his voice trimmed with uncertainty. “Are you sure you want to do this?”

His companion nodded his head with a blank stare.  

 “Yes. We have to. It’s our only choice.” And he stared at the two disappearing children, being lead into two different treacherous lives, and listened to the whispers of regret that swirled through his head.

Posted by Frostburn/Cherrybomb on Thu, 05/24/2012 - 09:55
Um, 'smouldering' and

Um, 'smouldering' and 'dishevelled' are just British spellings.

I think of life itself now as a wonderful play that I've written for myself, and so my purpose is to have the utmost fun playing my part. ~Shirley MacLaine

Posted by Nightlock (Lauren) on Thu, 05/24/2012 - 21:29
Sorry. :P Thanks for telling

Sorry. :P Thanks for telling me :)

Posted by Frostburn/Cherrybomb on Thu, 05/24/2012 - 23:35
Wow that was an AWESOME

Wow that was an AWESOME first post! I loved the description, although there might've been a bit much. The contrasts and comparisons and description were vivid and creative, making this a job well done! :D I look forward to reading more from you, Tygerblossum! ;)

~Mina

- Generation1. when you see this, post it on your sig as a sign of epykness with the next number. Social experiment.-

Posted by Mina Mongoose on Thu, 05/24/2012 - 10:41
Thankyou so much!! I tried

Thankyou so much!! I tried really hard on it! Yeah, probably went a bit overboard on the description, he he.Thankyou! I might be posting the next chappie soon, don't know!

Posted by Tygerblossum on Fri, 05/25/2012 - 01:14
You posted a story! :D

You posted a story! :D *happiness*

I'm not going to be able to read it today, though... :( I'm sorry. In fact, I have to log off now and start packing for a weekend-long trip. If the hotel we're staying at has free Wi-fi, I MIGHT be able to log in and read and comment on this tonight/Friday night. <:^)

Just letting you know I'm not ignoring your story! XD My brain is just too stressed to concentrate on reading right now. >_>

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The planet Ectroi is waiting for you...

Posted by TheAshWolf on Thu, 05/24/2012 - 11:08
Ashwolf!! It's okay that you

Ashwolf!! It's okay that you don't have enough time right now to read my story!  I know whats it like when your brain dies :P I hope you stressednessness goes away soon! We don't need any of that now do we!? Anyway, just read when you have the time, I don't mind at all!

Thanks for letting me know!

Posted by Tygerblossum on Fri, 05/25/2012 - 01:19
:D OKAY. Proper comment

:D OKAY. Proper comment time.

O_O This. Sounds. AWESOME. ;D I love the little girl and her brother already. O.o Wait.....died in a fire...and she's a pyrokinetic.......ohgosh. o.e Hope she didn't light it on accident!

Those men.....I no trust them. e___e *pokes the uber-skinny one with a stick*

The description in this is INCREDIBLE, Tyger! 0_0 :D I'd give you a few minor bits of CC , but everyone already gave you the CC I was going to...so....yeaaaaah.

Can't wait to read more!!! :D

 

P.S. Holy mother of sanity you've alreayd gotten over 170 reads!!! o.o CONGRATS!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The planet Ectroi is waiting for you...

Posted by TheAshWolf on Thu, 05/31/2012 - 00:51
Yay!

Yay! Time-to-read-an-awesome-question time! Queston... time.... question? *le confused face*

Anyway!

Thankyou so much! Yeah, she's a pyrokinetic alright. XD Well..... coughmaybecough. *Looks shiftily from left to right* Pffff.... Of course SHE dosen't light it! *Scoff* I mean, how did you come up with THAT?!? He. he, heheehehehehe.

Yeah.... the idea kind of came to one night when I just lied down in bed, I was like..... OMPJ where is a frikin pen?!?! Yeah, it then joined the thousands of other post-it notes that I'm buried in right now that I have to somehow tie in with the story.... hehe.

BUT it DOES happen in a very suprising way that you didn't think it would (hopefully.........) And it sparked a whole lot of other ideas that will HOPEFULLY be even more suprising and nock your socks off! (Yes..... I'm talking to you voldemort! XD)

Yeah... the men do seem a little dodgy....*picks up a stick and joins you in poking him* Meh *Can't reach man so pulls out a roll of duct tape and tapes the stick to my arm then procedes to take another stick to the end of that stick. Finally reaches* Hmm. There we go.XD
 And trust me.... there is a lot more crazy weird guys to come!

Thanks sooo much! I tried hard with the description..... And MAYBE went a tincy bit overboard. *shrugs* All well, I guess I just have to force you guys to wallow through the river of similes, metaphors and lots of other tidbits. Mwa. Mwhah. Mwh Mhwaw Mhwahahahahahaha!

XD

Thanks! I'll tell you when I post the next chapter. It might take a while though. O_e. Come to think of it, I finally came up with what will happen in my first chapter last night when I FINALLY laid down in peace.... then of course it hit me and I had to get up and fill out like twenty post-it notes to plan it out. *Le pride face*

XD

Even though I will probably end up chaning it later anyway. XD

 

P.S. Whoa! I didn't even know I had that many! But I KNOW that WOT gets that many for every chapter. And if it doesn't, I promise I will sit there and click on it over and over until it gets 170 reads. Even though I'm SURE it gets more than that. :D

P.P.S. Why sanity?! It should be like 'wholy mother of insanity's lost one-llama one-marshmallow-meercat socks!

 

 

Posted by Tygerblossum on Thu, 05/31/2012 - 02:14
IT AMAZING! this is so good!

IT AMAZING! this is so good!  yay! you done good friend- you done good.

 

Book Cover Business!

Posted by Starfire on Thu, 05/24/2012 - 13:42
Thankyou!!! I tried really

Thankyou!!! I tried really hard! Thanks again friend, thanks again. XD

Posted by Tygerblossum on Fri, 05/25/2012 - 01:21
Wow. I love all the

Wow. I love all the description. I've never read a story with so much before, but please, don't stop doing it. It's something new, and I really can't get enough. I love the fact I could picture this in my mind with out any problems.

The mystery was...incredible. I could hardly breath, I was so into the story. The characters are awesome and amazingly well developed, I really have no CC at all.

I'm adding this to my favorites, and you can be sure I will be watching out for the next chapter.

Now, let me sum up this long complicated comment in three words: I LOVE IT!!

As for a title suggestions, I would go with something really mysterious to fit the mood of the story. I'm not really good at coming up with titles, but here's what I got: 

The Lone Stranger

Mysterious Ways

Long Lost

Invasion of the Light (I don't know if this fits the story, but I thought I might as well suggest it!)

That's all I can think of!

Write on, please!

~Claire~

Please read my story 'Dictionary of Thieves': http://www.kidpub.com/book-page-or-chapter/dictionary-thieves-ami-214412...

Posted by Claire on Thu, 05/24/2012 - 18:43
Thankyou sooooo much! I'm so

Thankyou sooooo much! I'm so flattered by what you said in this comment :3 I honestly never really thought that anyone would like it as much as you said you did. Thankyou :3 This comment made my day :)

Most people said that I put to much description in XD I kind of got caried away. Wow, this comment is really.... I can't believe you thought that the mystery and description was so good. :3

OMPJ you faved it!? Thankyou thankyou thankyou thankyou thankyou x1000000 That's soooooooooooooooo nice!

I'll try and notify you when the next chapter is out. Even though I will probably fail. XD

Those title suggestions are uber cool. (I can't believe I just wrote uber. Yep, that's me alright. Adding random words in whenever I feel like it XD)

I espicially love 'The lone stranger' and 'Invasion of the light.' As suprising as it might sound, that title will probably be the one out of those that in the end will fit with my story the most..... XD

Thanks a million for the awesome comment....

You just made my day. :)

Posted by Tygerblossum on Fri, 05/25/2012 - 02:13
CC: In the fourth paragraph,

CC: In the fourth paragraph, it's not really clear at first that you mean his jacket blew away. And, later on, you used "informing the stranger that he hadn't got all day" twice. Mainly in the beginning, it seems like you're only using really short sentences or sentences that are almost run-on, so I'd suggest varying the length some more. :P

Your description is bloody brilliant. :D Like the others said, there might be a bit too much, but that never really bothered me, so… *Shrugs* Mysteriousness = definitely there, definitely win.

I love your profile picture. XD

 

Kiwara. 25,000 posts
Team Perry!
"The thing about quotes on the internet is that you cannot confirm their validity." ~ Abraham Lincoln

Posted by (LST) Dark Lord... on Thu, 05/24/2012 - 21:51
Yeah, I just read over that

Yeah, I just read over that and realised I didn't make it clear at all. *Face palm* And that I wrote it twice. *Double face palm* I will get to lenghtening my sentences and fixing those fixerupers right away! *Triple face palm*

Thankyou! I tried hard, but kind of overloaded it a bit :P Aw well. Bloody = Ron Weasly style. Nice. XD :D

*Takes my top hat off and bows* Thankyou for this awesomeestnessess epictastical comment. It was totally glomp worthy. *Glomps*

Thankyou XD I love your username XD

Posted by Tygerblossum on Fri, 05/25/2012 - 02:20
A few typing errors, but

A few typing errors, but otherwise, good.

 

'Tyger tyger burning bright, in the forests of the night. What immortal hand or eye could frame thy fearful symmetry?' - The Tyger, by William Blake. :) For Myra, and all other animals suffering in the circus behind a line of steel wire.

Posted by Smilodon Fatali... on Fri, 05/25/2012 - 00:42
Wow! I can already tell this

Wow! I can already tell this is going to be an awesome story! It's great so far! :^D My only CC is that, though your descriptions are incredibly lovely and artistic and unique, you sometimes take them a little too far. Try to be vivid with detail while still leaving room for the reader's imagination. Overall, fantastic work! I'll be looking forward to more of this! :^D

And welcome to KidPub! Sorry that I'm a few days late... :^3

"I am Nevermore, forevermore..." ~The Transparent Timepiece

Posted by Shylock {Leloo} on Fri, 05/25/2012 - 22:14
Thankyou sooooooo much

Thankyou sooooooo much Leloo! I absolutely love your story, and that comment you just wrote made my day :D

Yeah, I did go overboard with description...... oooops! I'll fix it later. Thanks for the CC!!

Oh, and don't worry..... thanks for the welcome!

Posted by Tygerblossum on Sat, 05/26/2012 - 18:27
That. Was. Awesome. You have

That. Was. Awesome.

You have some nice metaphors in there and your description was brilliant. The only things I might suggest are:

Surely it wasn’t – no it was. 

There should be a comma after 'no.' Also, at the begining the sentences are a bit choppy. But this is your FIRST POST?! Wow, that was a good writing. Post the next  chapter soon, please! :D

Oh, and welcome!

Posted by Jesterboy on Sat, 05/26/2012 - 06:30
Thankyou!!!!!!!!!! I tried

Thankyou!!!!!!!!!! I tried hard on this chapter!!

Yeah, my grammar isn't great when my brain is dead and my spellcheck is broken.... but anyway! XD

I'll post it as soon as possible!!

Thankyou!

Posted by Tygerblossum on Sat, 05/26/2012 - 18:31
Woah! I really liked it! It

Woah! I really liked it! It painted a picture in my mind.

 

~ I really like to write. I bet you never would have guessed :D ~

Posted by Paitlyn on Thu, 05/31/2012 - 00:36
Thanks paitlyn! I'm glad you

Thanks paitlyn! I'm glad you liked it!

Thanks for commenting!

Posted by Tygerblossum on Thu, 05/31/2012 - 02:23
WHOA!!!!!! and you say your

WHOA!!!!!!

and you say your new.....this sounds like something out of a real published book! maybe a bestseller?

This is really well written. Exellent job! I like the word choice the description, and the way you are able to tell what all the characters are thinking without confusing the reader. Thats a lot of work!

C.C.......

i got nothing! this is great! brilliant hook in the beginning too. I'm following this.

 

(on my door someday: i m already disturbed. please come in.) Then I went insane with long gaps of horrible sanity. - Edgar Allan Poe {someday this will all make sense, and you will tilt your head back and laugh at the sky.- Buddha}

Posted by Luna Eclipse on Sun, 06/03/2012 - 06:06
Thanks!! Yeah, I'm

Thanks!!

Yeah, I'm new............................ out of a published book?! NOOOOOOO way, it's not as nears as good as that, or a best seller! This is just a fail first draft. XD Meh.

Thanks, I tried hard on this chapter and trying to tell you which man was talking and feeling cause they don't have names, so at one point it got really confusing. O_e

Thanks again! I SHOULD post the next chapter soon..... I'll try and tell you when it's posted!

Posted by Tygerblossum on Mon, 06/04/2012 - 00:45
That was really amazing with

That was really amazing with great description! Better than anything I could ever do! Bravo!!!!!!

Posted by Amanda on Sat, 06/09/2012 - 07:56
Thanks so much amanda!!! I

Thanks so much amanda!!! I really tried hard on the description!!! I'm sure your writing is better than this, but thankyou!! I will look out for your stories!

Posted by Tygerblossum on Sat, 06/09/2012 - 19:22
Hey guys, I just want to let

Hey guys, I just want to let you know that I posted part 1 of chapter 1. It would mean so much to me if you read it and comment. Thanks for all the awesome comments of this prologue! :D

~Tygerblossum

Posted by Tygerblossum on Sat, 06/23/2012 - 18:43
You've got a talent to be

You've got a talent to be proud of! Amzing! Splendidilicious!

{~~~**~~~}

“You've got to go through it to get to the end of it.” - Suzanne Collins, Catching Fire

><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><

http://futurewarsseries.weebly.com/index.html

Posted by ~Firefighter~ {... on Tue, 07/03/2012 - 04:34
Thanks so much!! I don't

Thanks so much!! I don't really have a talent, but anyway :)

Sorry it's taking me so long to read future wars, my internet is having a spaz XD But I saw the cover, and it is AH-MAZ-ING! Did you make it?

Posted by Tygerblossum on Tue, 07/03/2012 - 05:04
Nah. Marie did. Have you

Nah. Marie did. Have you read any of it yet?

 

{~~~**~~~}

“You've got to go through it to get to the end of it.” - Suzanne Collins, Catching Fire

><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><

http://futurewarsseries.weebly.com/index.html

Posted by ~Firefighter~ {... on Tue, 07/03/2012 - 05:42
It's awesome anyway :D I've

It's awesome anyway :D I've read the first chappie :) So far, so good XD

Posted by Tygerblossum on Wed, 07/04/2012 - 00:05
This is awesome.  I loved

This is awesome.  I loved it!  :D

However, CC: 

“Is she going to spend her life in the centre?"

                                                                      ^^

                                          Is it supposed to be spelled like that..?

 

"But every time he burnt himself up he sprang out of the ashes, he got himself born again." -Granger, "Fahrenheit 451," by Ray Bradbury.

Unstoppable force, meet immovable object.

Blek.

Posted by Blue Phoenix on Sat, 07/28/2012 - 22:48
"Centre" is the non-American

"Centre" is the non-American spelling. People in Australia (like Tyger), Britain, Canada, and several other countries reverse the "er" to "re".

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The planet Ectroi is waiting for you...

Posted by Antediluvian Canine on Sun, 07/29/2012 - 00:17
I was wondering about

I was wondering about that....  Okay then.  :)

 

"But every time he burnt himself up he sprang out of the ashes, he got himself born again." -Granger, "Fahrenheit 451," by Ray Bradbury.

Unstoppable force, meet immovable object.

Blek.

Posted by Blue Phoenix on Sun, 07/29/2012 - 08:37
Thankyou!!! Wow. I didnt

Thankyou!!! Wow. I didnt think people still read this. XD Thanks! :D

Yes, like Ashwolf said, its supposed to be spelt like that :D Half the spelling in this is Australian/Brittish (whatever you call it) and it must be annoying for all you Americans ;D

Posted by Tygerblossum on Sun, 07/29/2012 - 01:05
Nuh-uh. 'Tis not annoying ;)

Nuh-uh. 'Tis not annoying ;) In fact, I use the British/autrailian/whateveritis? spelling sometimes, and then my American oriented spellcheck (which is extremely annoying) will flag it as wrong and I'll be like WHAT!? I spelled that right! Oh, no wait, that's British (I'm just going to say that it's easier)." And I'm from the US of A (United States of AMerica, in a way I made up).

And you live in Austrailia!? I didn't know that. That's cool! My mom has a friend (really more like an adopted aunt to me) lives in new Zealand. You are close.

 "I am simply one h*ll of a butler." --Sebastian Michealis, Black Butler.

Posted by otaku on Mon, 07/30/2012 - 15:10
So its not annoying? Good :D

So its not annoying? Good :D XD Whateveritis? Nice :D I had to change my spell check to Australian because it annoyed me SOOOO much XD And it still stuffs up and changes things to American words XD

Nice way ;D Im learning German, and I almost wrote Australien XD

Yup ^_^ A proud Aussie :D  Theres only a handful of Australians on this website :3 I feel speschulful :3 New Zealand? That is close :D I've always wanted to go there.... it sounds awesome :)

Posted by Tygerblossum on Tue, 07/31/2012 - 00:59
Deutsch ist ziemlich

Deutsch ist ziemlich interessant, aber manchmal lanwielig.

 

'Tyger tyger burning bright, in the forests of the night. What immortal hand or eye could frame thy fearful symmetry?' - The Tyger, by William Blake. :) For Myra, and all other animals suffering in the circus behind a line of steel wire.

Posted by Neofelis Nebulo... on Wed, 08/08/2012 - 10:59
...Umm...  What? 

...Umm...  What?  XD

 

"But every time he burnt himself up he sprang out of the ashes, he got himself born again." -Granger, "Fahrenheit 451," by Ray Bradbury.

Unstoppable force, meet immovable object.

Blek.

Posted by Blue Phoenix on Thu, 08/09/2012 - 00:39
Sometimes its boring, but

Sometimes its boring, but not at my school :D At my school japanese is boring because our teacher is really bad D: It's langweilig by the way ;)

Posted by Tygerblossum on Thu, 08/09/2012 - 00:37
Awshum! All it takes is a
Posted by Tygerblossum on Sat, 09/01/2012 - 19:12
YAY! You got your link

YAY! You got your link working...

~~~~~~~

Death laid in their hands, waiting for the right moment.

Posted by Watslock (Viole... on Sat, 09/01/2012 - 19:19
Yep ^_^ I had no idea where

Yep ^_^ I had no idea where to test it so I tested it here XD

All it takes is a spark...

Posted by Tygerblossum on Mon, 09/03/2012 - 01:12
Yep ^_^ I had no idea where

Yep ^_^ I had no idea where to test it so I tested it here XD

All it takes is a spark...

Posted by Tygerblossum on Mon, 09/03/2012 - 01:12
Woah!  This is awesome... 

Woah!  This is awesome...  The CC's been taken care of, so I have none, but I mean WOAH!  I'm typeless, (speechless?)

CACrules :D ".....in twenty-four hours, it will be exactly one year since I had been captured." ~Anisha: Forever Gone

Posted by CACrules :D on Fri, 10/12/2012 - 17:54
Well, I liked this. A lot.

Well, I liked this. A lot. Yeah, very much. The detail was nice within the character's perspective and I enjoyed reading it with a mysterious glance at reading it which meant that I was enjoying it even more. The man seemed very freaky. D: *pushes him away from me* GET AWAY FREAKY GUUUY. Um, I am not sure if I saw any magic tints in it (which are like specks of background that could be added more into the story) but, if they come, I'll tell you where they are. ;)

CC and enjoying parts:

The night wept for the fallen. But the man had no reason to mourn. He was a man on a mission. Tonight was the night.

A lot of choppy sentences there. ^_^ Try making them either: (1) Into one sentence or (2) Making two setences that aren't so choppy yet with a few commas.

 

His heart skipped two beats. A small wooden boat, stripped of its paint and skeletal like, edged towards the jagged rocks. The orb of light, now close enough to see a pale figure seated behind it, seemed to spread over the grey scene as if the water was devouring it. Much like a paper as it tries to absorb as much of the drop of ink as it can. The waves seemed to scramble over the top of each other like greedy rats, longing to take a piece of colour back for keepsake.

I could really picture that! 0_0 Well done. :D

Um.

That's all. XD I loved the Prologue and I shall read more whenever I can. :)

 
Posted by The Guardian {Max} on Tue, 02/05/2013 - 04:14
Awww... thanks Max!! Nuu,

Awww... thanks Max!!

Nuu, dont push him at me! *pushes him back* Magic tints? Thats a new concept. Make sure you tell me if you find any (whatever you finding XD).

Yeah, I've heard I need to change that from a few people. What, something like this?

"The night wept for the fallen, but the mean had no reason to mourn. He was a man on a mission; tonight was the night."

Along the lines of that? ^^ Or is it still to choppy?

Really? Thanks! I loved writing this prologue. SO MANY DESCRIPTION OPPORTUNITIES! *waves arms pathetically*

Thanks Max. Im glad you took your time to read it. :D Now I must read FW! *magics away*

 

All it takes is a spark...

Posted by Tygerblossum on Wed, 02/06/2013 - 02:24
<:^D Yeah, something like

<:^D Yeah, something like that but "He was a man on a mission; tonight was the night." would be "He was a man on a mission and tonight was the night." <:^/ I don't know, actually. Maybe just fixing up a few sentences in the first paragraph would be the best idea! ^_^

Posted by The Guardian {Max} on Wed, 02/06/2013 - 03:02
:D Ok, thanks for the help

:D Ok, thanks for the help :) I'll will do so!

All it takes is a spark...

Posted by Tygerblossum on Wed, 02/06/2013 - 03:31
Um, well, I'm officially the

Um, well, I'm officially the biggest procrastinator on Earth. *facepalm* Remeber that Harry Potter FanFic Character Contest/Sign-up thingy you entered ages ago? The one about the mentally ill father almost killing his daughter? The one that promised a comment and CC on your work? Dx That was my contest, and this is your comment and CC. Dx I am so so so SO sorry and I feel terrible for taking so long. ;~;
This was possibly the awesomest description I have read in my life. The beginning starts off so beautifully with wondrous description that pulls you in alone. And then there's the intrigue and mystery that hooks you even more. But really, I am just in love with your description. You are an epic writer. Faved. 8D
CC:
Not a lot; this was pretty amazing. But still some…
- Towards the end, it got a little hard to tell who was who. Was the man from the very beginning taking the children away? Who is the master guy? Who's master is he?
- I felt like you used the word "snapped" a lot. I believe three times, all before the children are handed over. That's not too much, but it was enough to draw my attention to it, and distract me a little from the story

But don't get me wrong--- One of the best prologues I have read! I love your writing so far (especially your description :D) and will add this to my list of "Follow ASAP". I'm busy a lot, though, and it might take me awhile... Dx
Once again, sorry for procrastinating. My initial thought when you have me the link and I opened it was "O.O This is so awesome. I will have to take my time and really read this before commenting" Dx Was almost a year enough time? Dx Sorry. DDDX
Happy yearaversary, though! ^-^

~"She's not by the beautiful storm, like an eye of the world anymore. She's in the dark. She's in the light. Where did she go? She's gone."~ Raindrops~

Posted by Rour (Ellie) on Sat, 05/25/2013 - 08:12
Nope, I think Im a bigger

Nope, I think Im a bigger procrastinator :P

Are you still writing that? :D I really want to read more of it!

O////.//////O *blushes* Thankyou so much! You - you faved it? OHMAIGAWSH THANKYOU! *glomps/tackles/hugs*

Yeah... when I was writing it, I thought you would get confused who I was talking about. But it's because they don't have names :/ i can try and fix it :) Oh, really? I know what you mean, I get annoyed when I use a word a couple of times. I'll see what I can do :)

One of the best prologues you've ever read? Thankyou so much! :3 Take your time. im just so glad you commented :)

Thanks! And thanks so much for the CC! It means a lot! :D

 

All it takes is a spark...

Posted by Tygerblossum on Tue, 05/28/2013 - 04:19
Aaah, the good old days....-

Aaah, the good old days....- Panthera tigris tigris (Grace)
They must try and unite two governments of different species, after one decides to take some drastic measures. http://www.kidpub.com/book-page-or-chapter/akura-my-nanowrimo-chapter-1-...

Posted by Panthera Tigris... on Fri, 05/22/2015 - 14:47
Thank you, I guess? :^) The

Thank you, I guess? :^) The old days were pretty good though, I miss them a lot sometimes. Oh, and by the way, I posted an edited version of this prologue, so you can read that if you want :^3

http://www.kidpub.com/book-page-or-chapter/flame-within-prologue-edited-...

All it takes is a spark...

Posted by Tygerblossum on Sun, 05/24/2015 - 06:01

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