Red Sunset-Chapter one
Posted March 6th, 2023 by Cheezmra
in California
Bronze rolled over his sister and clawed her behind the ear. She spat and nipped him on the flank. Bronze sat down and called out,
“Mama!”
Plume called out, “Sable, leave your brother alone!”
The young black griffin stuck her red tongue out.
“Really, Bronze, calling for Mama like that,” she scoffed.
Bronze growled and leaped on his dark sister, snapping at her long ears. Sable tumbled over, hind legs kicking the air and feathered tail lashing the short grass.
She rolled over and crouched.
“Dusk taught me this move!” she shouted, launching into the air.
Unfortunately the scarred fighter Dusk had also taught Bronze the move and he rolled out from under the wide parachuting attack with practiced ease.
Bronze looked around. The griffins’ clan was situated on a large, flat outcrop of a huge mountain. The mountain seemed to be like a cliff with no top and no bottom. It seemed to stretch endlessly in both directions. The living space was large enough for sixteen griffins, including the cubs, to live comfortably, but Bronze and Sable had to be careful not to fall off the edge.
A griffin’s life is not a long life. Most rarely ever live beyond twenty-five years. They become an official adult at twelve and are accepted into active work at five. They can walk and talk a few days after their birth.
Dusk was ten and often told the cubs stories of the battle with the dragons. Bronze could remember them now.
“There were seven of them, great huge spiked brutes. There were only seventeen of us, but we fought bravely…” the cubs’ could barely sit still at this part. “...we killed a dragon and three had flown away. As we dealt with three others the leader of the dragons walked-” “what’s the leader's name? What's the leader's name?” The two cubs would chorus at this part, even though they already knew.
“His name was…” he would lower his voice and whisper “...Feldgrau Darkmoon!” “Feldgrau Darkmoon,” the two cubs would repeat, shivering.
“Cloud walked to the top of that rock over there and faced the gray-green Feldgrau. She said,
“‘Feldgrau, you have no place here! Why are you so intent on destroying this small group of griffins? Why would you want to gain this tiny sliver of land?’ and Feldgrau said,
“‘Cloud, you would never understand. You own this mountain and you own what treasure is in it’
“‘At least that’s true,’ muttered Blaze
“Cloud did not relax her gaze
“‘Feldgrau, as the so-called ‘leader’ of this mountain, I ask you to leave! Take whatever treasures you want, but leave us alone!’
“‘Cloud, to take the treasures, I must destroy this place’
“Cloud flew down and landed in front of the dragon, Blaze beside her
“Never!” she shouted.
“And Feldgrau dove at them”
The cubs would always be staring by now with their beaks hanging open and their eyes wide.
“Cloud and Blaze leaped to meet the attack. Brother and sister rose together as one. The dragon staggered back from the force of the blows…and fell off the edge as Blaze broke his wing.
“But Blaze was unable to get out of the way in time.
“The dragon fell off the edge and glanced off an outcrop, Blaze under him. His body fell but Blaze’s stayed on the outcrop…the dragons, seeing their leader dead, flew away, but one shouted back.
“‘I will avenge my father’s death!’”
At this point Dusk would usually bow his head and start to walk away. The cubs would call after him, “And then what happens?”
And Dusk would always say.
“Oh… you know. We all remember your father's sacrifice. Cloud buried him in a cave. I think she still misses him. It was only a year ago”
Sable pounced on Bronze’s back, grabbing a beakful of rusty red feathers and holding on tight. Bronze swatted at her, whipping his long feathered tail in her face.
Dusk walked over.
“Hey! Sable, you don’t do it like that.” Sable sheepishly got off the writhing Bronze and faced the young griffin.
Plume seemed to suddenly appear in front of Dusk
“Teaching them again?” she sighed.
“You would want them to follow in the pawsteps of Blaze, their father, wouldn't you?”
Plume bowed her head and sighed.
“Of course they should follow in the pawsteps of Blaze. It's just...” She sighed.
“I understand. Don’t worry about them, Plume.” He nuzzled her with his beak. “I love you like you were my own mother. You know that. You’ve been a mother to me.
Plume nuzzled the griffin boy back.
“Take care of them”
“I will,” he promised
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Constructive Criticism: Watch your punctuation, particularly when you're writing dialogue. You sometimes leave off a comma that should be there.
But AAAAAAAAA
This has SUCH Wings of Fire / Warriors vibes!! And Dusk! SUCH a cool character! Scarred, weathered? A YOUNG MAN (you point out that Griffins reach adulthood at twelve, and Dusk is 10. He's a teenager.) who is GOOD WITH KIDS!? I am so invested in this guy.
I look forward to getting to know the rest of the clan!
Good yard,
(Warmest regards)
Snow
dusk is my fave chacter so far. I modled him after ravenpaw from warriors. only read book one and then i had to write this.
gotta love dusk tho. hes the one whos not yet adult be seen battle
Dragon lover? (sorry its going a little slow) plz cc https://www.kidpub.com/book-page-or-chapter/land-dragons-introduction-33...
forgive me, but I like this better than warrior cats
https://docs.google.com/document/d/19MhJ0ocAlrKGlsYx9Pz53Ah_EMZ0UjV_ALPZ...
I think this was the reason I started The Land of the Dragons
Dragon lover? (sorry its going a little slow) plz cc https://www.kidpub.com/book-page-or-chapter/land-dragons-introduction-33...
"Forgive me. I forgot you existed"~Clare