Sebastian Cabot's Academy for Humorous Children - Introduction
Posted July 14th, 2017 by scarlett424
in Dunder Mifflin Paper Company
A/N: I'm working on this novel for Camp Nanowrimo this month and thought I might post some of it on here for feedback. Not sure if I'll post anymore. It's about an incredibly unfunny girl who is framed for a huge prank and invited to a comedian school. I hope you enjoy :) Sorry it's very short!
April Fool was the least funny person to everyone she knew.
And she knew a lot of people – just look through her file. She, like nearly all people, saw herself as good-humored, but April, like nearly all unfunny people, could not:
1) Comprehend sarcasm.
2) Laugh at herself.
3) See humor in anything unless led to it by a guide dog.
4) Break her routine of seriousness.
It wasn’t that April didn’t try to make jokes; she tried. What she told was more similar to weird observations that weren’t relevant or entertaining. For example:
“That lunch lady’s wearing two hair nets today."
She just had a very objective angle of viewing things.
April loved observing. Mostly people. So much so that she kept a file of everyone she met containing everything she learned about them. This file was kept on all of her electronics.
Creepy? Of course it was.
But of course, it wasn’t - because everyone knew about it. In fact, it was the only reason her classmates let her hang around them and didn’t completely roast her 24/7. A Bible of Marshall High was a bit convenient when you needed revenge on Zoe for accepting your ex boyfriend's promposal when Kaylee clearly warned her that you would not speak to her if she did.
April created the file to make friends and, objectively, was successful. Her process:
1. Stalk them.
2. Gather intel.
3. Engage in conversation.
4. Using information collected beforehand, manipulate the feeling that you have just “clicked”.
5. Friendship acquired.
And so April viewed all of her stalkees as besties, and all her stalking as “getting to know others”.
But perhaps people weren't just offput by her hobbies, but her appearance, too. It was an uncomfortable one. She was nearly the tallest girl in her junior class with goblin-like posture. Her face almost made up for it: a plain, pretty ratio with charcoal eyes, yet still goblinized by a pointy nose and brooding brows. Cursed by her Irish-Swedish albino-appearing parents, April retained their pasty, burnable skin with even whiter hair. Though her mannerisms were mantis/stickbug-esque at best, April was conventionally pretty when she stood absolutely enduringly still. One day, she'd make a gorgeous corpse.
April Fool was the child of two grown hippies (probably apparent from her name) who loved candles, diets, and the humanities. April, however, just loved science and food that didn't come from Trader Joe's.
It was totally groovy (not) when April came home from first grade asking why they had never shown her a computer. From then on, in spite of her begging, they gradually fed her the evil of technology until she dreamed of joining the FBI.
Did April Fool's parents regret their name choice?
No. It was cute.
Did they regret that she couldn't maintain it?
But perhaps their goblin scientist stalker of a daughter could someday crack a joke.
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