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Posted April 12th, 2019 by mischief

by Cherith
in In the woods. Getting in trouble with ritzy people

Anthony stood, twisting his kneck and listened for the strong pop. He scanned what he had just woken up to. Cars raced along the free way on their morning rush to work. The sun was lifting his yellow head to rinse the world in his rays. He turned his back to the freeway to inspect the red and black fresh graffite it said ' Abortion is murder'. A harsh snicker bursted from the boy's chest.
Anthony was a abortion fail.
He turned and his attention was arrested by a ugly forest green van that had pulled over. A bald man in his mid forties got out of the passengers seat. He placed a big brown box on the scattering grass.
Curiosty killed this cat.
Tony's Steolleto cut cleanly through the cardbourd. Two sharp mustard yellow eyes glared up at him. His hands shook for some unknown reason as he lowered them into the box. He scooped up the bobcat up that fit perfectly into his caulused palm. His left hand ran from the tip of the kitten tiny rose nose to the end of the itty bitty brown- yellow tail and her cautious hissing stoppted. A huge wave of compassion clamped across the sixteen year old's heart.

Chapter one
The bus ride
Anthony ran his brown fingers roughly through his slightly tangled mess of coal black hair that touched evenly the small of his back. His hazel eyes squinted at the liumn blue screen. Ryan had just texted his address to him. Ryan as in his biological dad. A man he had never met. A man who cared enough to fight in court over a son he had never known. And to someone who had spent his early teen years in one to many foster homes. It meant a whole lot.
He turned the disposable phone off and jammed it in his hoodie's pocket. Then he shut his eyes and leaned against the faded but clean head rest, waiting for the nagging headache to quit. Two seconds later they were opened again. Someone watching him, he scanned the bus to find the offender. An old wrinkled man with sagging eyes snored two seats across the row, a stern middle aged mother scolded her pouting toldder and a girl sitting directly across for him listened to music from a hot pink phone. It was her, the girl. When Mark's scornfull golden eyes settled on her she obeyed the silent command blushing, being caught gawking, and sweverd her head to gaze at the city from the window.

An hour and half later
The bus stop
Cheyeen's aqua blus eyes watched the hords of rich tourist's swarm infront of her. A slow breath-taking smile pushed her ruby warm lips up. She was in a pickpocket's heaven. She pinpointed her victum. The one who had caught her staring. Could be rich or could be not. She hated that her mind black-flashed to his baby blue shirt that rode the curves of his bicep. He was so wickedly attactive. Cheyeen pulled a rubber band wrapped tightly around her wrist. It stung. But so had that snob's cold glare. She tracked him, and in a matter of a few seconds her tiny hand found it's way in his back pocket. Cheyeen wasn't a pro, but her touch was practied and felt soffter then a butterfly kiss on the cheek. It happened so quick it stunned her. This was the first. He had turned the tables. Maybe she was loosing her touch. Because know her naughty wrist was in his not so gental grip. His mouth gave her a lopsided smile, and his eyes glittered with something she didn't understand. Not until he said, '' Hey." That said it all. He was laughing at her. In his own personal irratating way, without noise. He was not mad. This was worse then being any other possiable recation. She faked a hit. And it worked. He realsed her wrist And she was free.

Chapter two
'' Thank god you take after your mother.'' Anthony half smiled at the man leaning against the freshly painted door. Ryan crossed his arms and gave his son a approving look. It was bad enough having one son look like him. Ryan just hoped his boy didn't inheirt Mellissa's attitude. He could not deal with another Mellissa. He could not be more worng. '' Yah. That would be terriable.'' He was just as bold, but in a friendly fun way. Mark tilted his head back and laughed. Oh, yeah Ryan was going to love this kid. '' You've got sisters by the way.'' Anthony lifted a dark brow. '' Older? Younger?''
'' Younger. Cheyeen's fifteen and Cassidy is fourteen.'' Ryan Korry did not mention how Cathrin Chester was Cheyeen's deseased mother. Or his ex. They had a calm comfortable up break. She had felt guitly devorcing her huesben. They remarried, and had died in a plane accident on their honey moon. Cheyeen had been fourteen. Before Cat told Cheyeen about her reuniting with a man she had devorced. There had been a arguement. Cheyeen had ran away. She often did this and Cat didn't think much of it. The girl came home seven days after the honeymoon. The girl was instantly was placed in the unhappy hands of her aunt. Were she ran away to Ryan how she adored. And he adopted her.

One A.M. that night.
Cheyeen crept into the bathroom that she and Cassidy shared. She slipped her ragged white jeans, and peach blouse off and traded it for a silky blue tank top and neon green shorts. She braided her hair and scurbed her teeth in record time. Then crept into the room, and ripped her Cheetah spotted blanket of her matterass. Something was worng. There was lumps in her bed. Cheyeen didn't leave lumps in her bed. She was a clean freak. Her hands gropped the lumps, but when that didn't help she turned her flashlight on. And screamed. The boy jumped right out of her bed. His lean face was flushed darkly and his mouth gapped open.
'' Well, good morning to you two beautiful.'' Even when he was barly awake his sarcastic tone cut cleanly and thoroughly.
'' What and who?" She was proud her voice came out sharp.
'' Cheyeen, meet Mark Anthony. He just so happens to be my son.'' A grouchy, thick voice came from the door. Ryan flipped the blinding light on. '' And you can quickly move out of my room before I set the dogs on you.'' Anthony snear sent Cheyeen's blood boiling. And thats when it hit her. It hit her hard, but wheter he knew it or not he wasn't sharing. This boy....this son of Ryan...was the guy she had pick pockted. And that was not cool.

See more stories by Cherith
I think you have a really

I think you have a really cool concept here, but I don't understand what's going on very well. 

-It's unclear whether Mark Anthony goes by Mark or Anthony, and you use both names. It would make more sense if he only had one. 

-Your chapters are very short. You don't give yourself much room to develop your concepts, and I think you could really use more.

-Lines of dialogue from different characters (and the description before them) should be seperated using the "enter" key, like so: 

Even when he was barely awake, his sarcastic tone cut cleanly. "What and who?"

She was proud her voice came out sharp. "Cheyeen, meet Mark Anthony. He just so happens to be my son."

-You have slight grammatical and spelling errors throughout that make comprehension a little harder.


As I said up top, I really think this is an awesome concept. I've always wondered about failed abortions, and a story is a great way to deal with and explore those people's experiences. I hope my criticism is constructive and doesn't offend you. If you need more detailed critique, feel free to ask and I'll elaborate.

Good to see you around, Cherith!


Spero quod via tua est directa et quod tuum onus est levis.

Posted by Gracithe1andonly on Fri, 04/12/2019 - 21:07
Thank you Grace. No I am not

Thank you Grace. No I am not offened and I would love ur cc.  I see exactly what u mean but dont know what to do about it. Thanks for reading.

Posted by mischief on Sat, 04/13/2019 - 18:55

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