/* PCD change http to https for CSRF JUL 2017 */ untitled | KidPub Press //
untitled

untitled

Posted July 2nd, 2018 by Syafai

by t.s.y. nightingale
in ur shoe

a/n: hello. yes. thank you.

a couple Zs hover over my head
dreaming a dream of when a rose was black,
instead of red
if a rose is different,
and i am too,
then we're all beautiful,
in black, yellow
and even blue


See more stories by t.s.y. nightingale
hey!! I like the concept of

hey!! I like the concept of this poem, but it makes me wonder if you've read it aloud? it's like half the time you have a rhythm and rhyme patttern, but you're never fully committed to it. I love the colors and the rose metaphor, and I think this would be a lot more impactful if you took out the rhymes/rhythm completely and made it straight prose, OR read it out loud and worked on the form a little until its more rhythmically solid. Obviously it's a poem and this is all wishy-washy useless artistic advice, so feel free to disregard what I'm saying. ;)

Posted by esther on Mon, 07/02/2018 - 16:00
okay, thank you!   ~ hi im

okay, thank you!

 

~

hi im finn wolfhard and im sick

Posted by henlo it's sy on Thu, 07/05/2018 - 00:56
hey i agree with esther on

hey i agree with esther on her critique. i love the last bit

"if a rose is different,
and i am too,
then we're all beautiful,
in black, yellow
and even blue"

but the bit before it doesnt seem to flow or to fit well. maybe rework it? again, the last bit is really nice 

Posted by on Mon, 07/02/2018 - 18:35
alright, thanks! i'll work

alright, thanks! i'll work on it when i can :)

 

~

hi im finn wolfhard and im sick

Posted by henlo it's sy on Thu, 07/05/2018 - 01:00

KidPub Authors Club members can post their own stories, comment on stories they've read, play on KidMud, enter our contests, and more!  Want to join in on the fun? Joining is easy! 

CLICK HERE TO GET STARTED!