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Wall of Fire

Wall of Fire

Posted February 10th, 2021 by Olivinat

by Ryoko
in the Middle of Nowhere (Wisconsin)

            Snake jumped up and let out a burst of flame. He glanced around. Yet again he was in a prison cell. Snake lay down and went to sleep. He was a Major general in the out-claw army. (Search what a major general is) The out-claws were a large group of rebels who were against the government. They often were arrested, but they were always broken out, especially a Major General. The Major Generals were targeted the most since they were the highest rank that went out on the battlefield.

 Later Snake woke to gentle shaking on his shoulder. He sat up. It was Blade. Blade was second underneath him. Blade silently nodded and stood up. Snake stretched and jumped through the hole that Blade had made. Snake knew they way to and from the prison like the color of his scales. While Blade rebuilt the wall, I flew to the camp.

 Our camp consisted of three groups of two hundred tents. Each tent housed one soldier. In front of all the soldier tents where three small cabins that the Major generals lived in. There was a large cabin on the side that housed the General. Next to that is the meeting hall where we planned battles. Next to that is the mess hall. Then there is a field for training. Around it all is a stone wall.

As I flew over and landed, the soldiers in my division welcomed me. I oversaw them and led them into battle. I had been awarded “the Cleanest Battle Wins” five times. That means I had the least amount of my soldiers killed in a year. The soldiers said they were lucky to be under me. I walked over the General’s cabin. (He led this encampment) The person who led the army was called “The General of the Army.” I reported to him and went to my cabin. I wrote in my army diary that I had escaped from prison again. After that is went on a walk. That is when the alarm sounded. I flew over and assembled my men. The General came out and sent us off.

We marched and flew quickly to the battlefield and meet the army. The Major General there went out and I meet him in the middle of the field. We respectfully bowed and flew back. Then our armies charged. My division was so well trained that they beat them in seconds. I walked out and checked the field for dead or injured. Seven dragons were injured and two dead. We flew back to came and I reported the scores to the General. Then I head to my cabin and lay down for the night.

The next morning, I wake up and stretch. Then I go out-side and ring the wake-up bell. The soldiers assemble and form their divisions. I lead them in stretches, the basic attacks, and some attack combos. Then the General comes out and leads everyone in some complex moves. After that, the soldiers go to the mess hall for breakfast. As they eat, the General came over and sat by Snake.

He said, “we are getting a new trouper. I would like you to train him and have him in your division.”

Snake replied, “Yes, Sir. I will do my best.”

With that, the General walked off.

The next day, Snake walked to the General’s cabin to see the recruit. He knew what to do. When he walked into the office, he saw a horrible sight.

See more stories by Ryoko
Great work! Super excited to

Great work! Super excited to read more of this! 

Some CC: You have a very interesting plot and a nice buildup of Snake so far, but try and make sure you keep the POV consistent. Sometimes you use first-person, and sometimes third. It can be super easy to accidentally switch between the two, though, so no worries! Just try and look out for that when reviewing/editing! Also, it would help build up the suspense and really flesh out Snake's character to maybe tell the story a bit slower. Draw out sentences, really dig deep into how he feels about certain situations. Make sure the readers can really connect with the main character; it really pays off in the long run. 

You've got a lot of potential, and this is a fantastic first chapter! I'm very excited to see where this goes and to follow these characters. Looking forward to the next chapter! <3


Posted by Camryn on Wed, 02/10/2021 - 16:45
Yeah i can't wait to see

Yeah i can't wait to see what happems next


Posted by Rose on Wed, 02/10/2021 - 18:06
Thanks! _____________________



It's not just a matter of trusting yourself but testing your abilities - Joseph Sugarman

Posted by Ryoko on Thu, 02/11/2021 - 08:41

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