Bashing and Crashing
Posted June 15th, 2014 by rebecca
A Book Review by Rebec
in Rivendell, the only place in Middle Earth that gets Wi-Fi
Firstly - this piece's title is bizarre. It has no apparent link to the story (as of yet at least) and it seems incongruous, or, if you forgive the rhyme, at least 'clashing'. The story itself is a teenage type of thing, about two girls who are friends. It's quite a short piece thus far, and so very little has had chance to occur. Perhaps too little. For a first chapter, it is very short and lacks a lot of detail. We shall get to that later. Right now, I'd like to draw your attention to the positives, of which there are some, quite a few, however, as I stated earlier, it could merit a bit more length to it.
The writing style is fairly good, and if the writer could keep going like that, it could be a decent teenage story. There are bits of decent description, such as clothing. The two main characters are realistic and normal, and, as is a cliche with the writing of children (and I'm glad I'm not reading yet another of these stories, I have reviewed so many and it never gets any more original. Just stop it guys, seriously), do not have special powers, which is good. Their names are Ariel and Faith, they are best friends, the first is hyper, the second, more down to earth. I suppose these characters are decent enough, however...
It begins and ends at a weird place. Really, really bizarre, almost as weird as the obscure title. While the direct speech at the beginning possibly doesn't work, and it could do with some kind of introduction before throwing you into the action, the ending is just unfinished. It feels dead. There is nothing to it. It's just left hanging, and the reader is unsure whether it's an actual ending or just a peculiarity of the formatting process. There are some grammar errors and typos, but the majority, it seems, have been corrected by commenters, which shows me that the writer is willing, unlike many, many others, to take CC, so should not be offended by the bluntness of this review. As I may have mentioned previously, it is also very short. Some pieces can carry this off, and it is very difficult to do, but some writers have been known to manage it. This is not one of these rare stories. No, it is a teenage story, and it needs detail or it will feel dissatisfying and childish. It needs description of each character, of the room, of the boyband, of school, of Jaylin, the person hosting this party, and of Faith's other friend Hale. Description is vital, otherwise a story falls flat.
There is nothing, other than that, inherently wrong with the story, and so it receives three stars. If all the steps were taken to improve it, especially a different beginning and ending, it could, at best, reach four stars, and I think the writer should be proud of that. They currently need to carry out a lot of edits, and it is a work in progress, with more chapters still to come, I presume. Even the addition of more chapters would improve it, as it would clarify various things that were not explained in this chapter, such as who the characters really are, who the boyband is, where their school is and what it is like, who Jaylin is and et cetera. Pretty much everything I said needed more detail. This isn't my type of story anyway, so I'm not the sort of person who can appreciate it to a great extent.
For the author:
Revise your beginning and ending, I would consider some sort of introductory paragraph, not sure how to explain this, as direct speech for the beginning doesn't work and the chapter needs a proper ending, or conclusion (perhaps take some of your second chapter, if there is one, and move it to here. That could work, if the chapters lead directly on from one another). Also, add description to give much needed detail about the characters and everything else. Describe things. It's needed. Not just to pad the story out, but to make the story interesting, and more mature. Work hard on this story, keep writing, don't let me discourage you. Just write what you want. That's all you can do, and it will get better with practise. Keep going, though, to get that practise. Oh, and the title. I'd consider changing the title to something that actually makes sense, unless this one does tie in to later in the story. Still, I'm not convinced it works, and you should probably find something else, something less obscure at least. Your choice, on this one.
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