Honest CC 1- Demonica
Posted December 6th, 2014 by Panthera
A Book Review by Panthera Tigris Tigris (Grace)
Okay, a little disclaimer before I begin:
This is my first time doing this, okay? Not giving CC, of course, but doing a Honest CC piece. I don't really know how to begin or sort this, but I'll do my best.
My first candidate is written by Acinonyx jubatus (Tygress).
Demonica- An Honest CC review
First off, a little personal opinion: This story is really, really good. That aside, I certainly do have some advice for you. As mentioned before in your request, your story does contain mild bad language. Seeing as we are dealing with demons, the religious parts in your story are to be expected.
If there is one thing you could include at least a bit more of in your story, it would be "Show, don't tell." You have a good amount of this when describing personalities, choosing to represent characters through dialogue and actions rather than throwing a wall of character traits at us. You also show us through what the character wears and other, smaller things.This adds a lot of depth to your characters and really enhances your writing. However, when it comes to other sections of your story it gets a little fuzzy. Here are a couple more places I think could use a little more of SDT:
In the beginning, when Denise and Rachel are in the house (I assumed it was a house, because you briefly mentioned a study.) I couldn't really picture it in my mind, therefore it degraded the scene some. Was the house empty for years, evident through cobwebs and decay, or was it a safe house that the girls had prepared beforehand? What was the layout of the room? Certain objects that the girls could have used against Chive? From what I've read so far, you fully intended for those girls to play a small part in your story. (I could be wrong, after all it's your story.) Even so, you don't want your readers to know that. If the characters were smart enough to improvise, it would make Chive's taunting all the more effective. This would reinfforce the fact that Chive can do pretty much anything she wants.
What about the neighborhood where the pack was hiding? Was it run down, or more clean? I assumed it was an apartment. (Someone in David's group mentioned through a fire escape, or entering through a lower level window and Zack's neck was snapped from falling down the stairs- this tells me that the structure they are in has at least two stories.) However, I don't really know. Again, what was the layout? Your description here is better, you mention several things within the room. (The couch, the closet.)
I can't think of anywhere else. It wasn't like your story was completely devoid of STD- in fact, you have much more than other stories I have read. Just remember, it is ALWAYS a good idea to make sure your reader isn't assuming anything. If you're describing something, it doesn't even have to slow down your pacing. A lot of times, good description only helps a story.
I'm going to move onto the "character" section now. Isaac kind of faded into the background. I'm not going to say much on this, as you may have a chapter with his POV in it coming up. (I'm not adding expectations, only speculation.)
A couple of my thoughts: What is so special about David's group, particularly David himself? Chive is planning on using him in a fair exchange, right? But why would Red Gun want to exchange David for Trafalgar? Or, why would Chive want to exchange David? If he was special enough to exchange for a demon that the Red Gun had captured, why not just kill him and avoid yet another problem? She said that Trafalgar wasn’t anything too special. But then again, Chive might not want them to learn too much about Demons, because then they might learn even more ways to kill demons. And as she briefly mentioned, that would cause the apocalypse would destroy the human race. Chive enjoys her fun, so I’m guessing that she wouldn’t want that. I just wanted to point out though, it was a little unclear on why she would do that.
Chive is a very unique demon. I love the creativity you put into her, and that she is different from most stereotypical demons. Even her personality is unique and clever. Ianthe is another interesting character. I love her DCD, it’s unique. Her POV is also interesting, the outside way of thinking adds an interesting turn to your writing. David is also a well written character, in fact all of your characters are well written and enjoyable.
Well, I think that’s everything. Thank you for letting me review your story!
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See more stories by Panthera Tigris Tigris (Grace)