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Honest CC 1- Demonica

Honest CC 1- Demonica

Posted December 6th, 2014 by Panthera

A Book Review by Panthera Tigris Tigris (Grace)
in Virginia

Author: 
Acinonyx jubatus (Tygress).
Rating: 
4

Okay, a little disclaimer before I begin:

 

This is my first time doing this, okay? Not giving CC, of course, but doing a Honest CC piece. I don't really know how to begin or sort this, but I'll do my best.

 

My first candidate is written by Acinonyx jubatus (Tygress).

Demonica- An Honest CC review

 

First off, a little personal opinion: This story is really, really good. That aside, I certainly do have some advice for you. As mentioned before in your request, your story does contain mild bad language. Seeing as we are dealing with demons, the religious parts in your story are to be expected.

 

If there is one thing you could include at least a bit more of in your story, it would be "Show, don't tell." You have a good amount of this when describing personalities, choosing to represent characters through dialogue and actions rather than throwing a wall of character traits at us. You also show us through what the character wears and other, smaller things.This adds a lot of depth to your characters and really enhances your writing. However, when it comes to other sections of your story it gets a little fuzzy. Here are a couple more places I think could use a little more of SDT:

  • In the beginning, when Denise and Rachel are in the house (I assumed it was a house, because you briefly mentioned a study.) I couldn't really picture it in my mind, therefore it degraded the scene some. Was the house empty for years, evident through cobwebs and decay, or was it a safe house that the girls had prepared beforehand? What was the layout of the room? Certain objects that the girls could have used against Chive? From what I've read so far, you fully intended for those girls to play a small part in your story. (I could be wrong, after all it's your story.) Even so, you don't want your readers to know that. If the characters were smart enough to improvise, it would make Chive's taunting all the more effective. This would reinfforce the fact that Chive can do pretty much anything she wants.

  • What about the neighborhood where the pack was hiding? Was it run down, or more clean? I assumed it was an apartment. (Someone in David's group mentioned through a fire escape, or entering through a lower level window and Zack's neck was snapped from falling down the stairs- this tells me that the structure they are in has at least two stories.) However, I don't really know. Again, what was the layout? Your description here is better, you mention several things within the room. (The couch, the closet.)

I can't think of anywhere else. It wasn't like your story was completely devoid of STD- in fact, you have much more than other stories I have read. Just remember, it is ALWAYS a good idea to make sure your reader isn't assuming anything. If you're describing something, it doesn't even have to slow down your pacing. A lot of times, good description only helps a story.

 

I'm going to move onto the "character" section now. Isaac kind of faded into the background. I'm not going to say much on this, as you may have a chapter with his POV in it coming up. (I'm not adding expectations, only speculation.)

A couple of my thoughts: What is so special about David's group, particularly David himself? Chive is planning on using him in a fair exchange, right? But why would Red Gun want to exchange David for Trafalgar? Or, why would Chive want to exchange David? If he was special enough to exchange for a demon that the Red Gun had captured, why not just kill him and avoid yet another problem? She said that Trafalgar wasn’t anything too special. But then again, Chive might not want them to learn too much about Demons, because then they might learn even more ways to kill demons. And as she briefly mentioned, that would cause the apocalypse would destroy the human race. Chive enjoys her fun, so I’m guessing that she wouldn’t want that. I just wanted to point out though, it was a little unclear on why she would do that.
Chive is a very unique demon. I love the creativity you put into her, and that she is different from most stereotypical demons. Even her personality is unique and clever. Ianthe is another interesting character. I love her DCD, it’s unique. Her POV is also interesting, the outside way of thinking adds an interesting turn to your writing. David is also a well written character, in fact all of your characters are well written and enjoyable.

 

Well, I think that’s everything. Thank you for letting me review your story!

-Panther

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See more stories by Panthera Tigris Tigris (Grace)
i'd definitely like an

i'd definitely like an honest review :D you're so good at it haha

____________
beauty and breaking are synonymous to each other because the more you have the less you want and the less you want the more pointless life becomes to the point where you have no reason to live and all you want is to make a crack in your flawless facade

Posted by Sravani on Sat, 12/06/2014 - 11:37
*Scratches head* Aww, you

*Scratches head* Aww, you just made my day.- Panthera tigris tigris (Grace)
Something lurks in the shadows.... Beware the Black Claws!
http://www.kidpub.com/book-page-or-chapter/black-claws-saga-book-1-shado...

Posted by Panthera Tigris... on Sat, 12/06/2014 - 22:16
Thank you. You did make some

Thank you. You did make some minor mistakes about detail (Chives' name has an s at the end, it's Kirsty and Rachael, after the characters from the Rainbow Magic book series - inside joke with myself) I suppose there are things I ned to clarify a bit more.

I'm glad Isaac faded into the background nice and quietly. That's just what I wanted him to do.

See, my intentions are to leave Chives' plots quite mysterious, and it's good you're thinkin of theories. 

David is a friend to the Red Guns, who, being a well-trained soldier is invaluable to the hunters, as they have few people with military experience. Since Trafalgar is, to them, an ordinary demon, he is far less valuable than David, and can easily be replaced with another demon. As such, David is Chives' only hope at rescuing Trafalgar without revealing her full plots. If she went in there, there is a risk they would capture her, or find something important out about her and her plots. 

Chives doesn't want the apocalypse to happen for a number of reasons. Which I can't say because spoilers. All will be revealed. It's to do with why the apocalypse was postponed in the first place, why Lucifer no longer runs hell...

I really do need more detail about location. I tend to be fuzzy on this at the best of times and appalling at others (including, memorably, the time when I said 'You know what a town looks like and this looked like a town' out of stubbornness about description).

I hope I can ask you for a review of another chapter later on, when I've got it written. The wheels are in motion...

 

 

http://www.kidpub.com/forum3/showthread.php?t=3023

If you need a book review, or whatever, some people may have said I'm good.

Posted by Acinonyx jubatu... on Mon, 12/08/2014 - 09:32
Thank you! I really did

Thank you! I really did enjoy your story, and writing the review. I'll be following!- Panthera tigris tigris (Grace) Something lurks in the shadows.... Beware the Black Claws! http://www.kidpub.com/book-page-or-chapter/black-claws-saga-book-1-shado...

Posted by Panthera Tigris... on Mon, 12/08/2014 - 20:24
Also, a question: How do you

Also, a question:

How do you think the girls should improvise? I'm just wondering what exactly you mean by that.

 

http://www.kidpub.com/forum3/showthread.php?t=3023

If you need a book review, or whatever, some people may have said I'm good.

Posted by Acinonyx jubatu... on Mon, 12/08/2014 - 10:28
Sorry. EX: If there's a lamp

Sorry. EX: If there's a lamp in the room, hit her with it. Or barracade the door with a desk. (If there was one in the study. Actually you may have breifly mentioned one, so I dunno.) I know it wouldn't really stop her, but humans are humans and tend to panic when cornered. It would highlight their inexperince and her power when they just failed. -Panthera tigris tigris (Grace) Something lurks in the shadows.... Beware the Black Claws! http://www.kidpub.com/book-page-or-chapter/black-claws-saga-book-1-shado...

Posted by Panthera Tigris... on Mon, 12/08/2014 - 20:27
Oh my god I literally just

Oh my god I literally just put in the desk barricade before checking the comments here.

 

http://www.kidpub.com/forum3/showthread.php?t=3023

If you need a book review, or whatever, some people may have said I'm good.

Posted by Acinonyx jubatu... on Tue, 12/09/2014 - 15:14

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