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Over Shadow

Over Shadow

Posted February 7th, 2013 by rebecca

A Book Review by Rebec
in Rivendell, the only place in Middle Earth that gets Wi-Fi

Author: 
scorp64 (on WB. I misremember your other name. I know part of it is Alex...)
Rating: 
3

My pet peeve - brackets outside a certain style of first person narrative - sadly, again appears here. A few other errors in detail, hyperbole and various other things, also irritate. The storyline has a certain element of cliche, but is mostly rather good. It is let down by some features I will later list, yet will mention here because it means you guys will keep reading!

Erick (odd spelling - see I can use brackets here because of the style), is a seemingly normal person whose parents are dead (typical. Bad parenting it is, dying) and agrees I am using brackets too much (I am using them correctly though, unlike some people who started new sentences with them. Okay, I'll stop with the brackets joke now). He attends 'the best private school in the world', which is a huge exaggeration in anyone's books. In fact, such exaggerations are rife. He should become a journalist, when he's done with this whole sun prince war wit the shadows, who are bad guys without a reason to be bad, and are far too generalised.

Chapter one is a flashback, and would do quite well as a prologue, so could easily be moved back, then everything else put out of italics because that gets incredibly irritating after a while as you can now see. I'll stop it, shall I? Now I can get back to analysing the plot in as little depth as possible. The parents die, right, then it goes to his school, where he is attacked suddenly and with a minimal amount of description, he is attacked by his classmates and escapes from them, being rescued by someone who takes him to the Sun Kingdom, where he is a prince. His mother was not dead, and is the queen. Erick begins his training, from Mallory who was a chance for the author to invent a new martial art instead as sticking to the dull and typical. But before training starts, a pointless ransacking of the training room leads to a search for spies, which leads to catching one, and the Sun Queen's mind getting infected with an illness that can only be cured by a Crystal from the Shadow place. So it was part of the plan the Shadow Empire thought up, though the last part was not, really. Now they have to fight a bunch of nutters from 'Sir Paul', a guy with the least mystical evil shadowy name ever, and get a crystal. Interesting. Mostly.

It's a three star story because of detail, which is never great here, but does vary wildly, storyline, insane ammounts of exaggeration, brackets and in general not quite being four star yet. With editing, it certainly could reach that marker. 

 

For the author:

Use better descriptions, for instance find something better than 'like the Hulk', that's not at all good, detail things better, invent a new martial art, instead as using brackets just use a subordinate clause, or a new sentence if possible, because brackets do not work in this narrative,  don't write the entire thing in italics, just the first chapter which could easily be a prologue instead, but then again I love prologue's so you don't have to take this advice, but it would be nicer and ack this sentence is too long, and I still haven't ginished listing what I want to be improved, oh yes, stop exaggerating so much, find a better name for Sir Paul, and write that scene in Chapter two, right at the beginning, again. End of rant/sentence/insanity.


See more stories by Rebec
'I love prologues'. Not

'I love prologues'. Not 'prologue's'.

 

 

Fear cuts deeper than swords~Syrio Forel / Arya Stark.

Posted by Dracarys (Lauren) on Thu, 02/07/2013 - 02:35
Thanks, I will definitly get

Thanks, I will definitly get to more editing.

 

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Writing is just our emotions put on paper.

Posted by Wandering The E... on Thu, 02/07/2013 - 07:26

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