If she got to be a selfish mother fucker and opt out, leaving her ENTIRE family in ruins (I mean, her father can't even sleep at night because he's always thinking about her, or so I've been told) then why can't i. I'm a selfish person. I really am. I often times think about my self before others. Call in natural animal instincts that all humans have in them, call it what ever. But I'm a bitch to EVERYONE. I barely have any friends became NO ONE likes me. No one says, oh, she's a good person, she's someone I want around noonelikesmeandidontknowhowtochangeandidontknowifi evenwanttobutyesischouldbedead and for gods sake I could have saved her if I wanted to. Why didn't I call her back? Because I hated her. I hated her and I didn't want to talk to her. GODS I WAS SO MOTHER FUCKING SELFISH. Was? Whoops. I mean is. Now I regret my life. I regret everything because I couldn't take five minutes out of my exceedingly boring life to just call and say good night.

Now I'll never be able to say goodnight

Ya know, the last night I was with her, we got in a big fight right before I left. Nothing new. But when she when to hug me a kiss me goodbye and tell me that she loved me, I turned my head. I turned my head and mumbled 'love you too' I put so much venom into those words.

I deserve to die

tfw ur depression is either ignored or slyly pushed aside haha

How could you have known what was going to happen? I know you can't help but blame yourself, but you must learn to forgive yourself and accept that sometimes you make mistakes. You are not a bad person because you're selfish. It can be hard to look past yourself when things are this bad, and no one holds it against you for that. You have every right to be focused on yourself at this time as long as you're trying to get help. We're here for you stormy.

Madie, when people make mistakes they forgot to study for a test or maybe they broke a glass or they forgot their friends birthday. They don't kill their own fucking mom. I will never forgive myself

Lily, I don't know exactly what you're going through, but I can tell you that you are not to blame. I know you don't believe me but I hope one day you can.

here's what I do know about suicide though.

I started feeling suicidal around the same age as you. 11,12. I never thought I was going to make it to 18. Never. Even at 14, 15, even this past December, I was convinced I was going to kill myself before 18.

I'm not turning 18 quite yet. But i'm turning 17 tomorrow. I literally never even thought I'd make it to 17.

But i'm so glad I am. Even with my grades failing, even with constant flashbacks to the abuse and rape I went through, even with Donald Trump getting inaugurated 8 days after my birthday, I am so so so beyond happy to be alive and turning 17. I'm so thankful that I have managed to stay alive this long.

I have two cats I am extremely thankful for, I have friends who love and support me, there are so many places I haven't been to yet, so many concerts I haven't attended yet, so many movies and books I haven't seen, so many foods I haven't tasted and so many things I haven't done.

I don't know you very well but I care about you. If you EVER need to talk to me, my contact tab is ALWAYS open.

think about it this way. If you'd known, you would've picked up the phone. If you'd known, you would've called her to say goodnight. If you'd known within a few months she would kill herself, then you would have tried your best to keep her alive and tell her you love her and let her kiss you and hug you. But you didn't. That's the only difference. Can you blame yourself for not knowing? No. Recently my neighbor's son killed himself, and she feels thee same way you do. She thinks she's to blame. But the thing is, neither of you are. You had no idea, and she did all she could, but in the end, it came down to her son and your mom. We don't save other people's lives. We can only give them the strength to do so. And it's not your fault.

why would you give up your entire academic future for a person

ok... bitter brigade of kp (yall know Who)... do u ever silently agree or disagree w other bitter brigaders of kp. i know im not like Super Bitter but i still classify myself as part of the bitter brigade (that classification probably only exists in my mind lol) and find myself frequently nodding along w other bitter brigaders tho. sometimes i wanna tell some people to back off tho

i love the bitter brigade tho cause i know yall will call me out.... or talk sht behind my back Smh its good tho

i didnt know where else to post lol

Godstheyknowtheyknowilettoomanythingsslipthroughth ecrackstheyknoeverything

No

They know almost everything

They don't know about the scars just under my underwear line

They don't know about the time I painted my face in my own blood

The don't know I'm a psycho

They just know everything in between

Graystorm, I don't know youi--I don't really go on kp anymore--but I still wanted to say something.

Your mom was struggling with something, and you had nothing to do with that. It wasn't your duty to save her--the only one who could have saved her was herself.
But I bet that doesn't actually make you feel any better.

But here's something that might keep you going, till time makes it a bit better. Your mother loved you. She wanted you to be alive and happy (not to blame yourself). So honor her memory by doing that. Stay alive until one day you find a way to be happy again.

Edit: apologies for typos, I'm lying in bed on my phone

someone kill theanimeman

I'm a piece of crap who's back on this site because I really don't have anyone to talk to. My best friend. She's leaving. She's leaving high school and moving on not dropping out if I'm being honest I don't know what she's doing but tomorrow is her last day at our school and I just found out today. And it's not that she's leaving because I know this school was bad for her so I'm glad she's able to get out but the fact she never told me. She never told me and she never tells me about anything she's ever going through I always find out secondhand and wow am I that bad of a friend? She can't tell me she's leaving? Am I that hard to talk to that self absorbed? I'm going to miss her so much and I don't know what I'm going to do but the worst part is that she doesn't actually trust me or care enough to tell me about anything that happens in her life. Am I that distant and untouchable that the girl I consider a sister won't talk to me? Damn I'm a bad friend. She can't talk to me. What have I been doing I thought otherwise I almost couldn't breathe when I found out today I can't breathe now damn damn damn I'm losing her the only person I've ever felt this close to or ever loved this much or ever told anything to. I can't lose her damn damn damn she's so much of what I am i can't handle this. I've lost her already I didn't even know what was happening what kind of narcissistic piece of sidewalk trash doesn't know these things about their best friend damn damn damn damn.
(I shouldn't be here I left I wasnt going to come back but I'm so tired and alone right now so naturally I heave my problems on this website and its members)

just because i do well in school, just because i got an average of 99% on the test, doesn't mean i don't have to try. doesn't mean i'm not allowed to be scared of high school. don't make me feel like crap on something that i can't change. don't make me feel like crap because i'm a good test taker. don't make me feel like i'm rubbing it in people's faces.

why aren't i allowed to be scared?

this.

i'm sick of everyone assuming i'm naturally talented just bc i get what are considered good grades.

good god why do bad things always happen to my cats

I'm so anxious about going back to school. I don't want to be bullied for being trans. I doubt I will be, I live in a good area, but some people have very strong opinions. One time in a lesson a kid called me a tr**ny (wasn't even out yet). I don't want that to be multiplied by a million times when I'm presenting male full time. Fuck. I'm so scared

I feel like the penny is in the air and i'm waiting for it to drop. It feels wrong to be this calm about the current situation, but at the same time I really don't want to react. I don't want to do something like start panicking in the car with everybody.

I don't know if something's wrong with me, maybe i'm broken and I just don't/won't ever emotionally feel the true impact of high-tension situations, or if my emotional response really really delayed..


@Elfy; you can handle whatever they might throw at you,:)

I've told like 10 people to die on YouTube today. Of course, they were imbecilic wastes of space, and it is my genuine wish for them to no longer exist. However, the act of saying so gives me anxiety.

But I wish I could kill them myself, and the fact that the killing itself doesn't bother me and is in fact what I wish for- that frightens me.

Maybe I should be the one to die.

But if I were to do that, I would kill the others first.

would you actually kill them? i remember once when i was little i said something like that to my mom-- how i was having dark thoughts. our conversation was simplified (because i was little) but i always remember what she said: "we all think like that. the difference between a bad guy and you is that you wouldn't do it. not REALLY."

i don't know if that helped at all. email me if you want to talk to someone.

for a change, i'm gonna put something positive here: this has been an awesome week. i cried yesterday (sleep deprivation) but other then that i've never felt better. i've been wearing lip gloss and cute clothes that make me feel so confident and i don't feel ugly. i feel fucking beautiful and it's so weird because i rarely think like that, and when i do it's in the moment, in good lighting. but i feel beautiful and nice and happy and not awkward talking to people.

AND the bf of my friend (crush?), who i liked for some 5 years and have been really awkward with for the last year and a half says i'm nice and we have like an inside joke now and we say hi in the halls and talk to each other and ugh it's so great.

AND my sorta boy crush says that i'm "chill and nice and innocent" and that's like a really big compliment from him and idk this has been a great week.

(oh just remembered i cried TWICE yesterday but like it was because of math that i spent 3 hrs on so justified??)

guys idk. maybe 2017 is going to be good.

I am worthless and I will get nowhere in life and I will never make any friends and all I will do is continue to get in my way and fail fail fail everyone and everything give up on me I am a disappointment waiting to happen I would be better off dead

hey
you won't always trip over yourself
you won't always fail
you will sometimes surpass your wildest expectations, and those moments, I think, are worth living for.

you've been at Stormy's shoulder all this time, and I'd like to be at yours.
i'm not trained. i'm not an expert. I've never had to deal with anything beyond emotions. but I know a thing or two and i'll tell you what I know.

just wanted to let you know you made me cry when i read that.

snow i think that's eactly what i need right now thank you

Tbh, everyone has at least one moment when they feel like a bag of dirt. sometimes, people feel worse than others. When I feel bad, I just try to think of what I do have to live for.
Maybe, a loved one.
Maybe, a single hope or dream that may come true.
Or, maybe, because you don't have another choice.

But, I just want everyone that has problems to be ok.

JUST LOVE YOURSELF!!!!!!

come on! There has to be something that is pretty cool about you!

:) :) :)

Not sure I want to be happy that I made you cry but I think it was the right kind of crying. And you're always welcome. I'm at your shoulder if you need me

to anyone reading this:

every single person on this planet is here for a reason & all of them deserve to live their best lives. you are loved & important & beautiful in every way. please don't doubt/hurt/kill yourselves. please.

Gods,, no no no,, Madie. I'm so sorry I wasn't here sooner. Gods,, no,, you can't die,, you can't. Right now you're the only person keeping me anchored to this earth and this life,, if you died I would be so lost.

You are so so so nice,, and beautiful too. I know you might not feel like it now,, but you will make friends because you have the kind of personality that everyone likes. Please please please be okay. You're so God damn perfect and I can't afford to lose you and neither can your family or anyone else on this site.

Ok, so........... I like have no friends anymore. One left, the other found some cooler girl to hang with, and the rest dislike me :3

It hurts to be alone.


You know what I mean?

yes, it was happy crying c'x thank you, friendo. i love you c:

hey, don't you dare blame yourself first off. secondly, i want you to know i will never kill myself, because i see all the people it would hurt, including you. especially you. i just sometimes don't care if i live or die? and other times it gets worse and i really want to die? but i'll never do it myself. i get genuinely surprised when people seem to like me, and i know i'm not dislikable, but the thing is, i get in my own way of making friends because of my crippling shyness and insecurity like will i annoy them? embarrass myself? im so unwilling to take risks, you know? but dont worry. im okay now. and i pray that you will be too. we both will.

someone: "a b isn't a bad grade"
me: attempts suicide over an a-, while everyone just encourages it.

Yeah, I get that. I really do. I'm glad you're okay. I'm glad you would never kill yourself. I promise it'll get better. When I first started going to public school my social anxiety was out of control. I would talk to anyone, the I'd get really self conscious about the fact that everyone was talking to someone and I had no one. Now I've switched schools and made pretty good friend and it's only the middle of the year. I mean, I still get extreme flares of anxiety when a teacher even looks at me. But trivial things, Madie, trivial thing.

Agh yes I totally get what you mean, being alone can suck
but like you're in middle school right?? let me tell u a secret: middle school is awkward and miserable for everyone!!! high school is tbh soo much better so hang in there and I promise you'll find your peeps. I'm glad you found your cooler girl, and eventually I know you'll find a whole group of amazing friends. in the meantime don't stress it haha

hey well I'm really kind of grateful that I'm not allowed to see my grades until junior year because while my teachers say I'm doing well they might think Bs are good and getting a B would be awful and terrible so yeah lol. also I've decided to try and not think about how tall I am because every time I do I want to fling myself off a fucking cliff

/hugs/ hey lovely if you can, call me back bc I'm worried about you and we should hang out over phone if you can

anwyays it's going to be okay and ik that's really dumb to hear but you'll make it :]

tbh i am tired of white nonsense

I am ashamed on behalf of other white people :/
(damn why is racism not dead yet)

to: Algebra Addict
 

Thanks! Middle School is so.............:( LAME

and High School sounds like.........:D :D :D :D