i vaguely have a boyfriend but it's so weird for two reasons:
1.) he Wont Be Affectionate and we've talked about it but aaahhh
2.) he has a datemate already and it's chill and we're all friends but it's still funny knowing he's dating somebody else as well lmao

So I literally hate my dad sometimes. We were in the car and somehow we got around to talking about gender queerness and stuff and he essentially said that people were only gender queer because they wanted attention.

i WANT TO BE WHITE.

ooh yikes?? that's so not true i mean i love attention as much as the next guy lmao but my nonbinary-ness isn't to get it. :-).
idk if you've tried to talk to him about that but honestly at some point you gotta let it go--some people don't want to learn

oml i remember this time we got on the topic of brendon urie being pansexual and he was like "if he's pansexual there's something wrong with him" and i got so mad because my best friend is pansexual thank you very much

but y'know it's like brendon urie said: you should not give a fuck. you can't let [parents] dictate who you are.

but yes anyway that was the most recent time i self-harmed so

thanks so much Esther. but also these are my teachers and parents and friends telling me I'm scarily tall and a freak and even if they're joking it's awful and no one listens if I tell them that it make me feel like shit. they just tell me that it's good I'm tall and I should like it but no I don't and I can't

you don't have to like being tall
no one can make you like being tall
so first off don't feel bad because you can't just stfu and "like" it. that's not your fault.

also, teachers and parents and friends don't always understand what you're going through and ik you've tried telling them to stop but in the end they might just continue being assholes. those jokes are not funny and you don't deserve to feel like crap because of them. it is awful. i know there's a limit to how much I can help, but pls keep in mind that you. do. not. deserve this. also when you're out of adolescence, a) you will have gotten more confident in your own body and b) adults will stop looking down on u bc teenager they can pick on and c) other teenagers will be looking up to YOU not giving u shit bc of ur height.

please hang in there <3

ugh so first of all swallow you are the best and they are all wrong and i would support you more but i'm literally crying at midnight rn and ughhh

tw for body issues and weight stuff and i'm putting this just because i love you guys and i don't want any of you to feel like you're less then you really are because you are all so great and wonderful and beautiful


ok so i have body issues. i don't like my cheeks because they are too big and i don't like my shoulders because they are huge and i don't like my tummy because it puffs out a little bit and my family has pictures of me on their instagrams and my face looks like it is in a fatsuit except nope that's just me and i can't do anything about it i just have big fucking cheeks. and i can't tell them to take it down because then it'll trigger THEM because my oldest sister had anorexia and was so, so thin for a year or two and i don't want them to think that's happening to me. it's not. i still eat like i always have but i just wish i didn't look the way i do.

i know, I KNOW i am a horrible person who is going straight to hell for what i'm about to say, but i think these issues come from my sister. i love her and my family so much but i think it started then. in like 5th grade. i don't and never have read fashion magazines with the skinny models like my sister or paid much attention to body types or whatever. i don't even want to be skinny. i just don't want my shoulders and my cheeks to be so freaking BIG and for my face to not look so stupid. anyway so my sister was so scarily thin so every night she'd have a milkshake w/ protein powder to try and get herself to a healthy weight and to support her, my parents had me drink it with her. and then she said she was fat because of the milkshakes, that i too had every night.

she said she was fat even when we had the same exact diet and i know and i knew that it wasn't her talking it was this disease in her brain that was telling her this but she said she was fat, and we ate the same things, did the same exercise, so boom, 5th grade = body issues.

i don't even know why i'm saying this. i've just thought about it a lot and i know none of you will have any solutions because there ARE no solutions: i have big cheeks, big shoulders, a puffy stomach, an ugly face. i don't know what to do, because i eat really well and i play basketball 4 days a week but nothing changes. i'm still ugly. and my cheeks are still big.

this is going to set back the feminist movement by 30 years, but it's the truth: it hurts that no one has ever liked me. it does. it hurts that no one (my age and with the standard of my generation) finds me interesting or pretty. that's another thing: i'm pretty sure i'm not interesting. also desperate.

yeah no one cares

First of all, you do not need to feel bad about self image issues. A lot of folks have them and there's nothing wrong with feeling cruddy about the way you look.

That being said, you are what? Thirteen? Fourteen? You're still going to have the big cheeks because it's baby fat. I'm nearly sixteen and I'm just starting to shed it. I am going to admit that my stomach isn't going anywhere, but fuck it. Big tummies are a sign of health. Anyway, You're pretty af now and you're going to be fugging gorgeous in a few years. If you're eating right and exercising, it will catch up to you.

Oh and by the way, I totally feel u about not being liked by anybody. Nobody thinks I'm interesting either, at least not in a more than friendly sense. But I know that I am an interesting person, just like I know that you're an interesting person. You really are. You're a writer and you're a basketball player and you've got a thousand talents no one even knows about. And I hate to be the bearer of bad news but teenage boys are stupid little assholes who don't know shit and teenage girls are usually convinced they're straight. Being "liked" as a teenager or nah is no indication of how likeahle you are by mature people who aren't fucking stupid teenagers who actually deserve you. Just to let you know.

thank so much <3 I've just had a bad week or so mental-health wise so thanks for putting up with my rantings lol

I'm sorry that I can't really help with the whole situation with your sister more since I don't know much about that sort of thing. but I know that you are not awful or horrible for having some self-esteem issues because of that. it doesn't mean you hate her or totally blame her and that's ok. also the thing with your cheeks? I'm fourteen and really skinny and I still have pretty big cheeks that get super puffy when I smile so I don't smile much. it's normal and your cheeks are really cute I'm sure but you've still got baby fat and that will go away eventually.

you know that feel where you're just like "maybe I'm just a straight cisgirl who wants to feel like a special snowflake"? That.

God I relate so much
Whatever you decide, you're still special no matter what (I realize that's a hard statement to take seriously lmao) and sexuality/gender is totally fluid!!! Like I am so into girls some days and some days I'm just not as much and that's totally fine.

Whatever the case is, you're always going to be a special snowflake. Just to let h know.

^^^^ this omg it just makes figuring it all at even harder

It's a difficult feeling. I hope you figure it out.

*minor inconvenience happens*
me: *tries not to have a mental breakdown*

hey wow I'm totally unprepared to go back to school Saturday. I know it's far away still but I'm already worried. because homework and also room change is soon and I don't know anyone who wants to room with me yet. I'm sure it'll all work out but my anxious self is freaking out already even though I don't even have any homework over break.

Ugh, I start tomorrow and I'm having a mental breakdown. I don't even know why.


Anyway, I hope it all works out.

wouldn't everything be so much easier if i could just write a fucking book and it be a bestseller and me be wealthy enough to pay for a college tuition and dorm where i want to go to college and have enough money to pay for my fucking life?

lmao smae

all my friends are getting stick-and-pokes and planning to get high and sneak out and fool around with guys and even though these are their life choices I don't want them to do anything stupid. I really don't want to find out that one of them got wasted or got arrested for smoking weed or anything else illegal. the stick-and-pokes aren't bad but they're not planning them out-just doing them by themselves without hardly any previous thought and I really don't want them to screw up and have to live with the consequences. also my parents are being hella overprotective because I'm going to be going to Chicago on the school class trip and visiting the projects and stuff like really we live in a pretty bad neighborhood I know what gunshots sound like and what blood on the streets looks like. you need to stop trying to scare me into requesting to be in a different study group no I want to do this and you can't stop me.

Oh no, I'm so sorry. Gosh man. . .that sucks. I don't know that to say.

I just really hope non of them get hurt

And yeah, over protective parents suck

thanks a lot stormy. I just want them to be ok and not to make anything they'd regret. I also can't really talk to them about it much because I don't want to lose pretty much the only friends I have

not to be Out There about my life + bad habits but smh @ me i gotta stop drinking so much alcohol
+like....i enjoy smoking bc there's not too many consequences and it makes me feel better but drinking? is like. a shitty bandaid

am I cold or having an anxiety attack?
a novel by yours truly

this is my life tbh

worrieddd about youuuu

hey are you twenty one

don't worry about me judging or anything bc I have a seventeen year old sister who used to drink and still smokes

i'm just curious

i've never really understood the attraction of alcohol?
i mean no offense to you, or anyone who drinks, but like,, nobody ever says it tastes good? and if your not careful then you end up really sick? idk.. if you think you're drinking too much too regularly then there's a lot of help to be found most places, or googling tips on the internet might be helpful too?

wow I fuckjng hate being tall I hate it I hate it I'm so tired of it and I'm so tired of people making remarks on it because it's not even something I can fuckjng change or anything like that and even if they don trhink they're being dicks it makes me feel like shit and then my mom is angry at me for not wanting to wear any shoes with even the slightest bit of a heel like thanks I'd rather not be on the verge of sobbing every time I wear fucking shoes!! also I'm pretty sure everyone in my life who I laugh about this to thinks I'm joking but I'm not ok not I just laugh so as not to cry lmao

it's my birthday (as if any of you fucking care!! )

Happy birthday!! You're seventeen right? hope you have a good day

aww yeah happy birthday! i hope it's been a good day :))

happy birthday my capricorn! @meerkat

I went to a party at my friends with friends from my old school and we literally just cried for half the time because all of us are so messed up and fucked and it just sucks God it suck and this beautiful beautiful human being who came out as a trans boy over the summer has ducking cut marks all over his stomach and I want to make it go away and I want to make it hurt less but I can't I can't I can't I can't do anything and I'm just as fucked up as the rest of them

meeting LST changed my entire perspective on life.

like here's this small town boy who's heart is huge and is passionate about creating things and helping others. he's smart as hell. his major is in computer science and is minoring in math. and he always talks about how he wants to program stuff to help kids in developing countries with education. jesus christ. for his birthday instead of sending him a present, he asked that i donate to an organization of his choice instead. and it shows in person how passionate and kind and smart he is? he's been to so many places and he's just so ENTHUSIASTIC about making his life eventful and meaningful. he's so dedicated to helping people and it SHOWS.

i want to make something out of my life? i want to be passionate and i want to be dedicated and i want to be kind and full of love.

thanks everyone who wished me a happy birthday
glad i didn't snap and do anything drastic

i feel and it sucks, it sucks a lot. I'm not gonna lie--it still sucks sometimes. I'm a little over half a year free from self-harm now, and it's still tempting sometimes, but it's getting less and less often. Some days I still feel like shit and I want to die, but they're less common and less potent. And then there are days that are beautiful, days that make me thirst for life and experiencing as much of the world as possible. And, in all honesty, I think those days make up for the bad days. You just have to hold onto them.
It sucks right now but you just have to hold on and keep pushing. Stay strong, <3

*whose
ily <3 you're going to do great things.
happy birthday fam <3