I know that feel.

'Everything's going to end up being okay, though. I promise.
And you need to sleep because being emotionally exhausted usually equals being physically exhausted, as well. I've gone to bed instead of doing my homework plenty of times because of this kinds of stuff.

its hard to want to help people and to try to give them advice when ur dead inside u know..

more spam i guess?
 

so, ah, yesterday was really busy. i had a bunch of homework to do, another midterm to take, and my big sister's birthday party. I was pretty stressed all day AND THEN WE HAD TO TAKE CARE OF MY COUSIN'S LITTLE KIDS BECAUSE HIM AND HIS GIRLFRIEND JUST WANT TO CHITCHAT AND WATCH THE OLDER KIDS TRY TO TAKE CARE OF YOUNGER KIDS. LIKE, YOU ALREADY HAVE PEOPLE HELPING YOU, MAYBE U CAN PARENT FULL TIME FOR LIKE 20 MINUTES TODAY?

and then I got a call this morning that my grandfather died. This is the first time I've had a family death, but I thought for sure my other grandfather (on my mom's side) would be the first to go. yeah, i sound really insensitive about this. first of all, it was shocking, but i actually didn't cry that much. I mean, i can tell my dad's upset and I have yet to tell my sisters, but seriously, I cried more when our cat died, why aren't I crying this much when Granddad's gone?

the sad thing about it is that his own mother outlived him and now Nana's going to live in that big, empty house alone. I hope she moves back here because where she is now is not where she's from and I want to see her more often. anyways, it's cool that I get to see my cousin and aunts again, but it will be for a funeral and, hell, i'm going to have to be all grown up for my dad, aren't i...dammit, if he and mom hadn't divorced, i wouldn't have to be the weird child/mother who oversees my OLDER sister and supports my dad in his "i'm already grown up" kind of life. I'm also mad because i'm still going to school. Like, i probably don't have to, but i need to go to see my grades and get new assignments, etc. so screw the american school system for helping me become even more insensitive to A FREAKING DEATH IN THE FAMILY.

i'm going to go drown myself in cake and very slowly do my hair because i just want to do nothing today. at least i don't want to die, today, tho. (crap, yesterday was really stressful. i was suicidal like 5 times in 2 hours)

okay, for real, i'm gonna try to get something done today if i have to stab myself in order to force myself to walk down the hall.

apparently i'm unnatural for not wanting a significant other
i can't even talk to a boy i know without people asking us to "get a room" and shit
the world is so grossly heteronormative/amatonormative and i hate it all
i freaking hate it
and why do i exist like this i shouldn't exist i'm broken and cold

but......

y'know how romance is described as "finding your other half" and stuff? this implies that people are naturally halves. and because i have no desire for romance i'm automatically more whole and natural than you. so shut up before i shut you down.

oh never mind i'm still unnatural and broken hi
what do you mean i never cry i am not that weak and pathetic i do not cry ever i am not crying now at all

*huggles* no one should feel like they're unnatural, because you are natural. this happens naturally, and it's just fine to feel however you want to feel, because it's nobody's business who you do or don't feel romantically about.

It's going to be okay. Take a deep breath, hold it for a second, then let it out slowly. Then take another deep breath, hold it for two seconds, let it out slowly. Take another breath, hold it for three seconds, then let it out slowly. Repeat this until you calm down.
The American school system really does suck, but don't worry about being insensitive about a death.
When my great uncle died, at first I really didn't care, even though I loved him very much. It took a while for it to catch up with me. Even if you don't want to do anything, you should try, but do not get angry at yourself if you end up not getting anything done. That will only make it worse. If you can, go outside, even if it's cold, or rainy, or dark. Try to go outside for even a very short bit of time, and just try to think of what you see, hear and smell at the moment, not about anything in the past or future. I know this isn't the best advice, but I hope it helps.

tw: sort of eating disorder but not really

frick i'm fat
i can't eat breakfast at all without feeling sick and nauseous but i get forcefed anyways every day and i just hate eating i'm not eating a bite all day
i dont care what we're having for lunch and dinner because i'm not eating it
it's the only way to keep me healthy bc i'm fat and i have so much fat to burn through i could just not eat for a week and be perfectly fine i'm so fat ugh
5'5 to 5'6 ish and 130 pounds is morbidly obese

i'm ugly and gross hi

Ugh I Hate My Life And I Need To Die. I Need To Die. I Need To Die. I Need To Die. I Need To Die. I Need To Die. I Need To Die. I Need To Die. At Least Then We Could Be Efficient And Have Two Funerals At The Same Time.