hey you it's gonna be fine

thank you i really appreciate the support
it's just
my social anxiety is getting bad again and i completely forgot how to cope and school is really stressing me out and i have a super busy next two weeks which is really scary and i'm just sort of a mess

@lena: hey im here for you ok i know how scary life can be just calm down take a deep breath and try to face things one problem at a time and keep your thoughts on positive things just anything positive it'll be all right <3 keep in mind that these two weeks will pass before you know it you can get through this c:

my life is an anxious mess but i'm trying to find the fun and beautiful things that can at least temporarily outweigh the stress and the overall shittiness of everything bc they make life worth living. you'll be okay though, even though that doesn't change now, if you embrace tiny wonderful things that you love you can escape the mess every once in a while until you're untangled

@venika hey hey hey listen to me. think about this for a second. you are planning to leave the world, leave all the bands that you love, sunsets, road trips, nice food, amazing people and everything. you're going to leave it behind.
imagine if you did do that. imagine if your mom walks up to your room for the first time without you existing. everything smells like you. everything you've touched. everything is left the way you left it. a little while on from then. EVERY SINGLE TINY REFERENCE TO YOU, NO MATTER HOW BIG OR SMALL OR HOW INDIRECT, makes your parents want to cry. makes your friends want to cry. you would rip out a part of them and they would suffer for the rest of their life. so you want to escape this temporary pain?? you want to give up?? think about how this will affect the people who love and care about you. think about how this will affect not only your friends and family and community, but also all your friends on the internet, including the kp community. do you really want to pass on your temporary pain permanently to them? and don't even think about saying that they'll forget you after a while, bc NO ONE IS FORGETTING YOU. i know i'm putting this kind of harshly, but you have to understand that you will torture everyone who loves you. i have considered killing myself so much, i think about it every day, but i can't do that to people. it would be selfish of me. it's the worst thing you could do.
i lost my best friend to suicide bc i went on a trip even when he asked me to stay bc he was going through hell and back. it ripped my heart out, sent my depression and anxiety to sky rocket and i am still not over it. he thought no one cared? at his funeral people were weeping and screaming for him, this 13-year old kid was gone forever and he left a mark. he thought no one gave a shit for his existence, he thought his parents hated him, but they were sobbing their fucking eyes out over him.
so if you honestly think that suicide is the right direction for you to take, if you honestly want to waste all those beautiful moments, no matter how small they are, those magical moments, sitting in the back seat of a car with your best friends blasting mcr as the sun goes down, if you really want to give up on everyone and everything and hurt everyone around you, then you really need to rethink your life.
if i was standing next to you rn, i would give you the biggest hug, bc life is so shitty but killing yourself over temporary problems is never the solution. not now, not ever.

@venika: hey now. listen. phan said it all but i wanna add one little bit
it will change
its excruciating to wait it out, i know, but throwing it all away bc a few years have been shitty is a rather hasty decision - you want things to be better. u want to leave bc everything is falling apart. believe me there are times i sit and ponder things like that. but heres one fact that i keep telling myself and others in such situations like youre facing
you have more than half a century to live. more than half a century. sounds like a long time, doesnt it? i bet it sounds horrific to you, more than half a century of shitty life and horrible happenings. but its not. more realistically its more than half a century for things to change
trust me but eventually things will start looking up. it might take a while but they will. if you from the future were to travel to an alternate past and watch herself die, imagine all the regret she'd feel. for not waiting it out, keeping her head up through it all, and living the amazing life that she deserves - she's you. you deserve it, and it will come. it might seem like it wont rn and i understand if nothing i say is making you feel any better or hopeful bc its hard, i know - but so is everything else. and the only way for anyone, ANYONE, to live, is to go through hardships. there was a time in my life when i thought that nothing was worth it, and it still hits me sometimes, but its getting better. i might not be going through what you are, but any situation is the same: with patience, things mend. it will get better.
but you'll never know if you give up now
we're all here for you. you only have a few more years to go for your teenage life to be over and as an adult things are clearer and you'll have a more mature approach and things wont seem as bleak. trust me. just hold out till then. you have us for support. if thats not enough, then seek. seek out anyone or anything from the depths of anywhere, just something that gives you little reasons to be happy. i will listen and i'll be there for you, and lots of others will too. there will be times when youre on your own, but we all trust you to brave through them because they will change for the better and there will be a time that you will look back on this and wonder how you could ever contemplate such a thing. i sincerely believe it.
so just wait. with time, i swear it'll get better. just hang in there, kay? <3

@venika i have no way with words but please listen to sravani and alaska!!! you mean so much so us please please dont give up friend.

@venika it gets better hon I promise. keep hanging on.

here's a cute picture of a squirrel hanging on for your benefit ok hon

http://www.bluebison.net/sketchbook/...branch-600.png

http://www.kidpub.com/story/untitled...d-3-1857153748

agh so that's my word vomit of emotion and disturbia and stuff

so you should read it and commeennnt

i'm just so done with having feelings
that's how i deal with feelings: by just not having any. because you can't hurt them if they don't exist, right?
so, sorry if i come across as insensitive and stuff, but this is honestly the only way i can deal with these things. i'm a selfish bitch. i know. and that doesnt even hurt my (nonexistent) feelings :)