i can relate to this a lot as an online schooler who lies im bed all day and is also horny 24/7 and feels as if my writing is shit and like i cant contribute anything to the world

idk how to help w friends bc i didnt have many when i went to public school but now i have a lot at my lgbt youth group

maybe consider volunteering or joining an lgbt youth group

i swear youre not an awful person just bc u have trouble making friends

As someone who is openly and /extremely/ against underage drinking I have to say,
honestly, that's not bad.
I mean, as long as you don't make a habit out of it,
alcohol doesn't really mess you up permanently unless you consume excessive amounts of it on a regular basis.
You may have made a mistake drinking the Vodka, i'm not gonna lie, but
lots of the younger generation experiments with alcohol, and
it doesn't have to become something bad, just try your best not to fall into alcoholism, and if you find yourself struggling then maybe seek out help?
(I know my opinions and suggestions don't really matter, and i'm sorry if i'm crossing any boundaries, but i thought replying was worth a shot. best of wishes to you)

Honestly, I feel like I always give crap advice, but I can relate to an extent (wow gosh i sound like a fucking asshole sorry man)
but I nver really had friends for a long time either. When I was younger, I really only had like one friend, and I never did things like /birthday parties/ either because I didn't have a lot and it really rather stung, especially in situations like dance (which was more like school in relation to the feelings associated) where every seemd to know everyone else. Honestly, I'm not entirely sure how I've gained friends since, but I have to agree that doing somehting led me to some other people who I'm now fast friends with. I started doing aikido and met two of my really good friends there. going out and doing shit can help a lot, hell, i'm rather introverted and don't like a lot of social interaction all the time, but doing aikido and dance (once I figured out that I didn't give af about people's opinions and found the good people) gave me opportunities
also you don't have to be homeschooled to feel like you do nothing and contribute nothing and lack worth, shining example here most days. its harder to figure out things for that, especially when you do dothings and they lack recognition or reaction. I'm sorry but I rather lack advice there.
tl;dr: it helps to find something out of the house to do, either soemthing with common interests or completely random.
also on the topic of horny, that's natural, don't worry about it imo. /as something teenagers are stereotyped as being, i feel like the majority of us dont talk about it very much and thaat makes it seem wrong somehow when it's pretty natural with hormones and all. same for asexuals though that's less applicable

once again i'm unneccessarily wordy and probably unhelpful but I hope you gosomething out of this.

where your mom might have turned wrong, you can turn right. it's okay just to try a little, but stormy, drinking is bad for you at such a young age. i can understand why you might want to, but it won't take your problems away, just like hurting yourself. it will make them bigger. please. don't do it again. don't make it a habit. you'll be okay. trust me. things'll get better. give it a year. things will change.

I don't want to do it again

I don't

But I want to feel it burn my throat again.

I want to feel the acid rip my throat raw until there's nothing left but bone and blood

I don't want to do it again

If I keep telling myself that, it'll be true, right?

I hate this
I hate being such a high functioning student and daughter and friend who is chill and fine at school, but then the minute I come home I feel like shit, and then it literally just gets worse and worse and all I can think about is how it's winter and no one will see the cuts if and when I do it. all i can think about is the box knife in the toolbox. all i can think about is the emotional high of I FUCKED UP I FUCKED UP I FUCKED UP and how good it feels to fuck up once in a while or maybe a twice in a while or maybe every single fucking night

the best part is though that I can't tell anybody because

1. it might get back to my parents
2. I dont' want anyone sucked into something they can't help or stop
3. it's just once in a while, and just shallow cuts that no one needs to flip out about
4. i hate being vulnerable and admitting this
5. my life isn't even that bad
6. i don't want people to worry
7. i don't want people to stop me

@esther: i know its hypocritical of me but please dont relapse. just hang on for another night. i dont know how to help but please just hang on.

thanks i guess. you as well

Thank you for worrying. I do remember. I'm glad that it's not so bad anymore - it took a lot of failed exams and assessment b/c of drunkenness for me to do anything lol.
Like Elliot said, please don't relapse. Do you like art? Like, painting or drawing or anything? If you do, channel your energy into that. Go for a cold walk. I know you've been told these things a million times, but sometimes the most generic advice is good too.

hey idk if i ever acknowledged this comment but i read it and i talked to her and now i think we might share a memory? it's like a big ceremony on stage in front of the school and we wear our fancy dresses and heels and cry and talk about how much we'll miss each other and basically talk about a memory and the person and idk i just love her so much i wanna share that with her

our memory (that we were talking about sharing) is singing bruno mars and making a stupid dance in like 5th grade and laughing and having fun and i love it

i'm just not used to being away from her that often. i see her at the end of the day (we walk down together) and on fridays and sunday and we hung out with my other friend yesterday and it was really fun. but anyway i'm still adjusting to not seeing her every second of everyday, like it was from grades 1-6. anyway. things are better right now.

@graystorm: hi. please don't. it starts with some vodka and then it escalates and it will become another Thing. you can push through it. write. use a coloring book. listen to your favorite music. watch your favorite sitcom.

@esther: there is a day in your future where you don't cut anymore. i promise. there is a day where you are free. now you just have to work on closing the gap from here to there. draw. color. sing. finger paint. (it sounds stupid but it's actually super fun) write. listen to music. do whatever you need to do to keep from hurting yourself. i know this sounds cheesy and stupid but i know that you can do it.