how tf should i politely explain to my mom that i don’t want to do anything “fun” when she drives me up to go to his memorial service??? like i’m sorry i don’t want to have to act all happy and shit so that she doesn’t get concerned? but she wanted to just drive me up the day of and now she’s dropping me off to stay with friends the day before and they’ll bring me back to school. and she said she’ll bring me up the day before “as long as we get to do something fun!” and like....i’m grateful to her for agreeing to drive me but please. don’t make me go fucking ice skating or hiking or anything. i just want to be allowed to be sad and i want to be around other people who knew him and not have to do things my mom thinks are fun with her. like i love her but she’s not good with mental stuff.

whoops i’m back here again.

so i’m just so fucking terrified for my friends. the kid who found him hasn’t slept in four days except for a short ten minute nap, another of my friends is having night terrors and will just wake up and start throwing up, one of my closest friends is currently in a psych ward because he was already suicidal before all this happened and i have no direct contact with him. idk i’m just so scared for the well-being of my friends.
and faculty sent out a passive aggressive email to our parents? saying that we’re all in the anger stage of grief and that’s the only reason we’re upset at faculty, because they’ve been doing everything right. and just.....way to invalidate our legitimate concerns and frustrations with how they’ve dealt with owens suicide. since i got here we have been trying to talk to faculty about mental health at our school and all the ways they’re failing us in not providing adequate support. and maybe having a school counselor or therapist wouldn’t have done anything but a week before my section of junior english had a meeting about drugs and alcohol, and the only thing we wanted to talk about was mental health. he was in my section and they told us “that’s not the way things have ever worked here and not the way things are ever going to work”
and they’re not letting us speak at his on-campus memorial? because they don’t want to reopen trauma or cause secondhand trauma. and that’s fair but just tell us that. say “we’d appreciate it if you didn’t speak about thursday, and instead spoke about the good memories you had with him” we’re not babies. i was also told by faculty “we’d rather have kids not think it’s going well when it actually is than have kids think it’s going well when it’s actually not” and you know what??? i think we’re old enough to know how we’re feeling. if the whole school feels like it’s not going well, that probably means it’s NOT. many faculty are also traumatized, they’re grieving for him as well, and i’m not expecting them to be perfect. but please, please, recognize when you make mistakes. involve us in discussions on how to move on. i’m tired of not knowing what’s going on ever, i’m tired of suddenly realizing a friend of mine isn’t there and being terrified, i’m tired of being angry at faculty. i love so many of the faculty members, but the thing is they’re being left out of the loop too.
that email comes directly out of when the senior class made a list of ways they feel like it is not going well and brought it to the school director during their english class block. that is exactly how we are supposed to do things, and she took it to faculty meeting and said they were all yelling at her. she wrote that email without the knowledge of most other faculty, telling our parents that any complaints they might hear about the school are wrong. that means that anything i say now is now fucked. if i complain, my complaints are just because of my grief. if i agree with the email, i agree that all my friends and i are being unfair to faculty. if i disgree, i’m proving her point. i’m stuck! fun!

I’m so sorry love. Your school’s management of this whole thing sounds really gross and it’s not fair that u and your friends have to suffer because of that. I hope they listen, and either way hope everyone’s okay. You’ll make it

they did end up listening to us more and they let us speak at his memorial. it’s just been so hard for everyone including faculty and i’m just so tired of constantly being so sad and so angry. and two of my good friends that went home are coming back after this break so that’s good as well. thanks for the nice message, sorry for spamming this thread so much.!

nah fam this website is dead, spam all you want. I'll respond when I see it. <3

God I can’t move on





How could I possibly? Each happy moment is just a feeble distraction, trying to enjoy life without you. Each new fling is just a vain attempt to re-locate a heart that still belongs to you. You got to start over, and I’m still here. I’m pacing the halls of the void you left me.

im sorry esther<3 if u ever need to talk to someone, im here.

I've had people I cared about who've died before, but this is so different? like I saw him every day. every day. he was at meals, at evening activities, hanging around campus. now every day I sit next to the empty seat on the couch that no one fills, theres only one person who sits on that side of the room for English, theres an empty stool in chem. every math team meeting, in our competitions, at the end of the roster it says "empty student" because we started with five? and next term we're going to be switching dorms (boys live in the girls dorm, girls in the boys, gender neutral dorm stays the same) and don't get me wrong, I think it'll be fun and im so excited for the switch, but it also means that im going to have to walk by the place he died every day? everythings so close here and so woven together and now theres been a huge chunk ripped out.

Im barely on here ever but I'm gonna rant anyway cause I need the anonymity. I have a bad habit of acting really stupid and out of character and then ruminating on that one moment for hours until I get so frustrated that I cuss out loud in public places or even inflict harm on myself (nothing drastic, just like wall punching and like scratching? I can't even). Like I'll get like REALLY loud for no reason whatsoever just cause I crave some kind of attention or I'll be really quiet and weird because I have a really bad daydreaming habit and it makes me look socially stunted. I just...crazy sometimes. I'm in no way trying to appropriate a mental illness, I know that what I'm going through is mostly just my own self-hatred and insecurity. I'm just feeling so manic now?

we're here for you!

-the person who joined a month before you, kayla