Oh gosh .-. Nonononono
Someone who knows me found my tumblr .-. And they're on anon. And oh my gosh. Tumblr could be the doom of me. I post my *shudders* feelings on there.
*changes profile picture and refuses to answer message*

you guys probably shouldn't read this because it's whiny and bitchy but i needed to get it out somewhere so

i think it really sunk in that i was a freak when i couldn't eat. not that i didn't want to, or was worried about my weight; it's that i couldn't. the smell of bacon made me feel sick and i gagged when i tried to eat something. i just don't know what's wrong with me and it scares me so fricking much
not to mention staying in the room where my grandmother died. same bed, same pillows, maybe even same sheets. i could practically see the medical equipment, and i was mussing up the peace. i ruined the kindness she'd left behind with all the snark i used up in that room.
and then there's always the expectations. some expect a good student with too much wisdom for her age. others expect that pretty, bitchy girl who's not good for much more than a laugh. a writer. a friend. a diary. an artist. some just want to swallow me in their own insecurities. and it's so fricking stressful
i don't want to hurt or disappoint people but that's all i end up doing anyway so why do i try. and i'll probably feel loads better once i post this but feeling better doesn't make those damn problems and issues go away. i'm still bitchy and self-centered, my grandmother is still dead, i still forget why i try, and i still don't know what's wrong with me. that's not gonna change for a while.

rant over
sorry

Hey, hey.. *huggles* I know how you feel. if its about KP then I know exactly how you feel. I feel like whenever I come on the AN or write a NES post, thigns just get awkward. I feel like I cant write anymore and everyone elses writing is so much better and I am just a lonely person in the background. I don't post anything anymore and everyone else but me seems to be bffs with everyone on kp dear, I know what your going through.

Oh Lena.. *hands cookie and gives a hug* I am so sorry. About your grandma, about your insecurities. And expectations are hard to live up to, I know. I have always (apparently) been the "smart girl" ( I don't think im that smart actually but since I study everytone else thinks that) and I hate when I am stressing about a test and they're like,"oh don't worry you always get As" and when I miss one stinking point they're like "oohhhh" and alksjfdlkjsldkfj. They all expect me to be a perfect person, it feels like when im not. And Lena, don't let it get to you! Nobody's perfect, and just tell them that if they are expecting big things. And you are not self-centered! Yes, your grandma may not come back to life, but she is still with you in spirit. It's hard to lose someone you love, I know, but they would want you to be happy. Don't be afraid to shed tears. Lena, always be the kind, considerate, wonderful person you are. Don't let other people burn you down. Take a breather, do what you love not what other people expect you to do. Chin up darling, your beautiful. :)

i just -
thank you

Lena. *huggles* I'm really sorry. You're not a freak deary, you never were. And about the insecurities, I know how you feel :c *hugs again* Oh no, you're grandmother died. Lena, I didn't know. If you ever wanna talk, I'm here.

Fuzzehhh I know exactly how you feel, I have those exact same thoughts. *hugs* And if you wanna talk, I'm here for you as well. *gestures to your post about being on KP* *hugs*

Hey. It doesn't matter what they expect - no matter what it is, you don't have to live up to something you're not. And they have no right to expect you to just be swallowed up in their insecurities.

And yes, losing someone you love is extremely hard - I lost both of my grandmothers this year. And it will hurt, and that's okay. It's fine to feel bad about it. *hugs*

If it makes you feel any better, you're someone I've always looked up to, and I think you're an amazing, beautiful person. I don't know if this helped at all, but I'll always be here. c: *hugs again*

lena. :c

first off, let me point out that this vent is not bitchy whatsoever. also, i'm so sorry about your grandmother and i don't quite know how you feel but yeah :c losing a family member is never a good thing.
and expectations ick (*hugs*) i definitely know how you feel. those people that think that you're not much better than that don't deserve to be your friend. they also have no right to just use you as a shoulder to cry on.
lastly, you are not bitchy and you are not self-centered and keep trying and nothing's wrong with you - you are one of my best friends on here and i look up to you as a writer and a person. :l also know that we on kp are always here for you. so if you need anything, (*points to contact tab*) i'll be there to help in any way possible

Lena I hate to see you like this. :c
You're such an amazing person and I look up to you for being so optimistic.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother.
And also I know for a fact that you're beautiful. So don't worry.

crap i'm crying again ;-; i honestly don't deserve friends like you guys and i just want to thank all of you for bothering to care. most people don't so it means a lot. thank you for being beautiful <3 (*group hug*)