Do I even have to mention how much I feel you? I'm pretty sure you and I aren't just the only ones. You aren't alone in this

You know what
You took me out of your instagram bio and left your three "best friends" in there
thanks a lot
I guess all that money i lent you you never bothered to give back was just a temporary friendship pact
I hate you too much now
Stop acting like im worthless
Im better than you because i actually care about people
Just freaking get out of my life man

http://www.kidpub.com/story/i-guess-...tter-627152268
please read?

This is just me taking my ball of fear and pain apart and laying it out in front of the Internet so that it can stop being a ball a fear and pain, because I honestly don't think I'm capable of talking about it face to face with real live humans.
Swear Warning

Why the f*** do I keep breaking things?! I breaking freaking everything, and it's not even on purpose! No, no that's wrong. I actually think that I subconsciously try to find ways to break stuff. I mean, I snapped the fudging bridge on my violin! Who the fudging fudge does that? I didn't know the fudging things could break!! It's not just inanimate objects either, I try to break the people around me. Don't even bother trying to be friends with me, I will wound you physically, emotionally or otherwise. I have a crap ton of proof too:
I pushed this guy I've been hanging out with at school DOWN THE EFFING STAIRS. I wasn't even thinking about it, he was sliding on the banister and was tipping and I just grabbed his foot and tipped him the rest of the way. He got a huge bruise out of the deal, it was horrible! Then, way before I even went to school I used to talk like 24/7 with these two people, and they were on the internet(feel free to judge all my bad choices, I don't care anymore)(that last part was a lie) we were really great friends, anyways, one day I logon to gmail hangouts and pretend to have a f***ing insanity attack. I was blabbing on about stupid crap like 'we're all asleep and need to wake up' at one point when I was feeling especially DEMENTED I typed up 'Help'. Now to fully understand this, let me explain something to you: One of those friends was not the most stable person in the world, I won't go into detail, but let's suffice to say s/he's fairly well depressed. I was texting this utter bullcrap to both of them, and they knew each other through the Internet as well, so they were texting each other, and do you know what the(non-depressed) one sends me? A screenshot of the conversation they were having.
"I can't.....it's making me.."(depressed)
"How is it making you feel?" (Non-d)
"Like everything I know is a lie... Like I really was alone...and that I should jump off a bridge.."
That is the exact conversation. I f***ing did that. I f***ing shoved one of my closest friends to the edge of suicide, and probably terrified the other. I DID THAT ON A FREAKING WHIM!
I am DANGEROUS.
I am an indisputable MONSTER.
And I DON't KNOW HOW TO STOP.
Please tell me how to stop. I don't want to hurt anyone anymore, I don't want to keep breaking things and people and relationships and myself. Dear God please help me.

I once broke the bridge on my violin.

I have anger problems and anxiety. I've thrown chairs at people, tried to stab my best friend with scissors, hit another one of my friends with a hockey stick.

Sometimes I used to stop being able to function in lessons and start panicking. The thing I'm least proud of is the way I can emotionally manipulate and borderline abuse my sister. I've hurt her, both emotionally and physically (which let me say makes me more ashamed than anything else) just because she's upsetting me. I used to treat her horribly sometimes when I was in a bad mood. And she still wants to be around me.

Now, I think we can all agree this makes me a pretty awful person, an 'indisputable monster'.

In books, it's called character development, in real life, learning. The first step is knowing that these things are wrong. Guilt is a good thing. Guilt is what STOPS you being a monster. Psychopaths feel no remorse, due to a malfunction of the amygdala. So, on a positive note, you aren't a psychopath.

What you need to do is apologise for this. And forgive yourself. You are not the things you have done. People make mistakes, this does not make them monsters it MAKES THEM PEOPLE. It could be argued, philosophically, that people are the greatest monsters of all, but I'd have to disagree. People have the potential to do horrific things, some do, and people also have the potential to do good. It's not as simple as that though. People are complex, three-dimensional and multi-faceted. They behave irrationally, in ways that cannot be categorised as good nor bad. What you've done does not make you a monster. It's human nature. We're a messed up species, so complicated and difficult to understand.

So apologise, start working with your guilt, get past the things you have done. And when you want to do something like that, as all of us do sometimes, for no reason, remember that it's wrong.

If you ever want to talk, contact me. Because I understand your situation. I've been there. It might be awkward or whatever, but I'd like to talk because my anger is something I like to gloss over in my official propaganda. However, I need to talk about it. I may as well.

tl;dr - I can't condense this without losing meaning, so you have to read the whole thing.

I understand. I'm pretty quite but when I'm more social I've been known to say/do stuff that I instantly regret afterwards, but of course it's too late. I won't go into detail, but I've been there. My only advice is to think in your head, before you do anything, is this right? will this hurt people? who is this affecting? And of course ask for forgiveness from the people you've hurt and forgive yourself. Don't dwell on this forever, it won't help anything. Try your best to think and basically use common sense. If it doesn't get better, maybe talk to your parents about talking to a counsellor- basically you can rant to someone which total confidentiality and they might have some few pointers.

turns out you can pay for college if you get hit by a car. yay insurance. this just makes me want to get hurt more. damn you emotions