The Writer's Block

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-   -   Your emotional venting thread. I'll explain. (http://www.kidpub.com/forum3/showthread.php?t=2095)

AlgebraAddict 07-23-2013 01:40 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sandy (Post 482822)
I had two panic attacks today. For COMPLETELY irrational reasons. I heard a fricken TRUCK go down the road and my mind contorted it into something else. It wasn't just a truck anymore. It was a truck driving up and down the road; repeatedly running over my dogs, who had in my mind, managed to escape from the fenced area of the yard and gotten onto the road. MY DOGS WERE IN THE HOUSE THE ENTIRE TIME, yet I still burst into sobs and I couldn't even look out the window to check for the truck. I kept hearing my dogs getting hit by the truck. I repeat: THEY WERE IN THE HOUSE THE ENTIRE TIME, and this still happened. And then my mom got me out of the house to go on this walk with her and, since she never leashes them up (which makes me anxious even at the best of times) they crawled under some randomer's fence and were in their backyard and wouldn't come out. I flipped out because I thought they had already made their way onto a different block and onto the road and, I assumed, OF COURSE, that they had been hit by a car and started sobbing again. Panic attacks aren't normal for me, ever, but when they do happen, it is ALWAYS triggered by those goddamn dogs. Any pet, really. God, I hate them for that. I hate that I love them so much and get so worried about how small they are and it just led to me panicking about so many other things, like my future and how I was going to die someday and within a couple years be completely forgotten. My life just flashes in front of my eyes and I realize that it's pointless and my panic reaches a whole new level. And then I panic about panicking. I panic about my anxiety and the fact that beneath the good grades and cherade of having my crap together, I'm just a huge baby. And then after that, due to me panicking about panicking, I broke down and sobbed to my mom and finally told her that I feel like I'm not good enough for her or my dad or ANYONE. I feel so unbelievably terrible. I'm so ashamed of this (which begs the question, why on earth am I ranting about it online, but I'd rather not rant it to people I know in real life seeing as I already cause them enough trouble) and the fact that I'm constantly anxious and barely remember to feed myself or sleep anymore. I'm so anxious for days where I have to volunteer I confuse my schedule and I show up either a day early or a day late and then feel either stupid or horrifically guilty. The fact that any kind of traumatic event could happen at any time around me haunts me every day to the point where I'll convince myself that it ACTUALLY HAPPENED. So to combat this I just stay here in my room. I surround myself with noise and barriers so that if someone starts screaming outside, or if someone gets hurt, I'll be too soaked up in my ignorance to notice. It's this toxic cycle I've gotten into but I don't believe I'm worth the effort of trying to break it. I feel so terrible. I want to tell my parents and ask them for help but I can't because I already know that they'll tell me to get more exercise but I'm incapable of even doing that without adding some toxic body image problem onto into the equation like I did last time. I'm literally just a huge baby and I feel so, so terrible about it.
Sometimes I wonder, is it my nature to be like this? Has school somehow turned me into an anxious blubbering fool when I don't have a clearly defined set of goals and a culminating activity? Have I really been broken and moulded into the perfect student so easily? I'm confident giving speeches in front of classes. I'm confident talking and answering questions about things I don't know, and I don't get nervous before exams. Yet when I'm given an inch of freedom for the summer I go absolutely berserk? What kind of life do I have set up for me after completing my education? I'm caught between a knife and a razor here--it's either be trapped in a repeating system of performing futile tasks, or completely losing my head when I'm not locked into the same schedule that I've grown to hate.
My mom told me that she loves me, that everyone loves me, and that she's proud of me for dealing with my anxiety withit drugs or alcohol or sex like other kids my age, but I can't bring myself to believe her. I still have self-worth that is below the level of "human being," and believe it is not unjust to treat myself as such. I can't stop being anxious because on some level I feel like I deserve it, like it's some kind of punishment I give myself for being alive.
I feel so, so terrible. Useless. Weak. Like I'm secretly some kind of "damaged goods" or whatever that tries to hide the fact that I have a huge fracture in my soul for whatever dumb reason but I do a crappy job at hiding it anyways and I end up crawling back, over and over and over again to people who I try to act professional with, people I told myself would never ever see me weak or anything less than confident and in control of myself and my life and everything. My anxiety makes me feel so worthless and undesirable (I don't mean in a romantic sense, I mean this as an all-around, general "Oh my god get that person away from me" way) and crappy as a human being.

I would give anything to be feeling terrible about a science project on quantum physics instead of feeling terrible about how I cunningly plan to somehow thwart insanity this summer and all the summers to come. I'd much rather cry over a failing mark than a failing mind. But the luxury of being too focused on writing an essay on Marcus Brutus's fatal flaws to notice my own is something I won't know again until September.







Nah, it doesn't sound cheesy at all. If anything it made my evening worthwhile. I wish I could have worded stuff better/made less typos/given a better response in general but I'm kinda shaky with responding to vents but I try and hope for the best. I'm so, so glad that I helped you somehow, even if only a little bit.




Oh my goodness, Sandy, it'll be okay. I know your self-esteem is low and I can't tell you to get over it because I for one know that's not how it works, but I want you to know that there are people who you mean something amazing and beautiful to. *hugs* Insanity doesn't define who you are, you define your insanity. I know it's scary, and it's okay to be different or have panic attacks or feel scared or alone. But you're amazing and you will eventually pull through this and you will be all the stronger for it. Don't let it define you. I made that mistake when I began to see and hear things and I'm still scared of it happening again. I would freak out and become this kind of zombie whenever something would happen and I think that's what caused it to happen again and again. Just eat healthily and get enough sleep and try to reduce stress, and it'll be fine. *hugs* You mean more than you know to a whole lot of people whose lives you've impacted. Even in the tinyist way, you've made someone's world a better, sunnier place, and people don't forget that as easily as you think. :)

rebecca 07-23-2013 04:57 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AlgebraAddict (Post 482661)
Iím scared. Scared about the coming school year. Last year almost killed me. It can only get worse, and Iím scared. Scared that someone will find out about me. Realize that the combination of sleep lost from countless hours spent staring at the ceiling through blurred tears and struggling with assignments that I feel too stupid to do and the stress from all the horrible cutting words people throw at me like they think I donít give a shit, but I do, and all the insecurity I feel; being not smart enough, not good enough, not pretty enough, not clever enough, not good enough of a friend, not good enough of a daughterórealize that the combination of everything life gives me leads to depression and staring, fists clenched, at a medicine cabinet. And the hallucinations. When the strange kind of digital tinge nearly faded and I confused reality with the horrors only my mind produced, when I would flee to the bathrooms to crouch with my hands over my ears trying to focus on something good so that the laughter would fade away, and I didnít know what was real and what wasnít, and I was scared to know. The simplest things can make or break me. I hate how ignorant people are, how Iím too scared to thank them for the tiny things they did. The girl who gave me a hug and told me that I was awesome, the friend that spent an afternoon on the bus laughing with me, the boy who predicted I would win the math competitions and high fived me when I did.
Theyíll never know they saved my life. They donít know what does.
The music. The Ďweird goth stuffĒóthe genre they stuff MCR, Evanescence, Jars of Clay, Faith and the Muse, Siouxsie and the Banshees, Sisters of Mercy, Emilie Autumn, Thrice, and all the others that helped me through it. They donít know that the song I grin stupidly when it comes on the radio is the song that I spent lying awake crying to because it gave me a little bit of hope. And even the friends that say, ďThis is actually kind of catchyĒ, when they listen to it, just pretend they think itís stupid to go along with everyone else.
My writing. What they assume to be a weird hobby is what Iíve built my life into. What I spend my days thinking about and my nights dreaming about. Characters and people who I can flood emotion into and somehow express my own. ĎYou think youíre soooo good, donít you, Esther.í Yes. Yes, I am brilliant. I am a fucking genius, and I can write, and if anyone talks about my writing I want to tell them to shut the fuck up because I donít want to deal with that shit.
Kidpub.
I donít explain much about it. My friends are a little critical of it, but they donít know much.
But let me ask them this.
Who told me I could do it when the rest of you told me to give up because I was probably hopeless and a piece of shit anyway? Not you.
Who told me that I was awesome and fabulous and meant a lot to them when the rest of you just shunned me because they didnít feel like talking to the weird kid? Not you.
Who spent hours with me helping me and talking with me through everything I needed help with and giving the emotional support I was so starved for? Not you.
Who gave me the gift of a band that told me that the world was ugly but I was beautiful, when you made fun of what I listened to and went on to listen to your shallow, meaningless catchy tunes? Not you.
Who saved my life when you had degraded me down to almost nothing? Not you.
At the end of it all, Iím just scared of the world and scared of myself. I hate both of them a whole lot, too.

Hey, AA, you a) are a genius, b) are awesome and c) other people are idiots. Just ignore them. They know nothing.

maxi 07-23-2013 05:11 AM

I hate myself so so much. I feel like dying right now.

HeatherB 07-23-2013 07:25 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by maxi (Post 482840)
I hate myself so so much. I feel like dying right now.

you're a f*cking amazing person and you don't deserve to die

T.Longmire 07-23-2013 09:36 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by maxi (Post 482840)
I hate myself so so much. I feel like dying right now.

No. Max stop.


Please no. If you feel like dying, then where would we be?

camikat 07-23-2013 12:49 PM

...I've grown so much in the past week.

And yet i feel so alone.

camikat 07-23-2013 12:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by maxi (Post 482840)
I hate myself so so much. I feel like dying right now.


Frankly, I don't like myself that much right now either, but I can tell you that you do NOT deserve to die. Look at all the amazing things you've done. You're a excellent writer, you've brightened my day countless times, and you're published! How many people can say that? :3 KidPub loves you, Max. Don't ever forget that.

Stephiey 07-23-2013 01:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by camikat (Post 482888)
...I've grown so much in the past week.

And yet i feel so alone.

What's wrong? :3

camikat 07-23-2013 01:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Stephiey (Post 482894)
What's wrong? :3

I had a really great week, but I still feel inadequate and alone. I'm probably making a big deal out of nothing, but...eh. I don't know.

Stephiey 07-23-2013 01:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by camikat (Post 482897)
I had a really great week, but I still feel inadequate and alone. I'm probably making a big deal out of nothing, but...eh. I don't know.

*huggles* Yay for great week, but aw for feeling inadequate and alone. :( Maybe it's just a hormonal thing? :3 *i is not very helpful...*


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