(*hugs*) hey nonono i know that people can be scary and annoying and school is like just nO but being social and interacting isn't for everyone. i'm nowhere near a professional in something like this but maybe you should look for someone who can give professional advice on stuff like social anxiety? so that way maybe you can work to get better like you told yourself? idk
also about your family i know you miss them a lot and loneliness sucks a ton but if it's any consolation you have us and i'll email you everyday if you want and try my best to make you feel not as lonely (*hugs again*) <3
i'm sorry if this doesn't really help and i just really hope you get better and can pull through and solve your problems bc i know you're strong and smart and beautiful so i just really really hope everything works out for you

I read what you wrote about the thinking of switching to Catholic because Christians aren't good (hypocrites I suppose). It's true that there are a lot of Christians who are just hating on anyone not like them. I find that really disturbing and depressing. But, there are still many who aren't like that. I know many Christians who are loving and kind and don't hate people who have different beliefs. It's wrong how those other ones act, but Christians aren't all like that. My family (and our church) doesn't agree with many things, but we don't hate other people for doing it.
I'd say for the part where you were thinking of changing, just go with the religion that believes what you believe.

Yeah, I know A LOT of really nice Christians and I've never really met one of those super judgmental people, but the more I go out into the world, the more I'm afraid I'll find them.

And I wasn't really sure about becoming Catholic because of all the rituals and stuff (GOSH THE CHURCHES ARE PRETTY EVEN HERE IN MY TINY HILLBILLY TOWN IT'S LOVELY) but I think at least learning more about it would be nice. Surely there are some parts of Catholicism (i needed spellcheck for that one) that I would like to use as a Christian, so I likely won't convert, but I am taking more of an interest in it. AND I ALSO FEEL REALLY COOL BECAUSE I CAN SING THE FIRST PART OF AVE MARIA AND THEN THIS ONE PRIEST SANG IT ON THE RADIO AND IT WAS LOVELY. I WOULD HAVE SUNG ALONG BUT MY WHOLE FAMILY WAS JUST SITTING THERE AND I DIDN'T WANNA MAKE ANY NOISE.

You can probably tell it's late and I'm losing consciousness, but anyways, that's the religion situation I'm in right now. (the prayer over the phone almost made me cry. it was so unexpected and i thought at first that he couldn't be serious, but heck yeah a college student just asked about my future plans and prayed for me that was so nice)

and i don't know if i'll get to and that makes me sad
and i don't know if i'll get to spend my life with anyone what if i'm alone
and death and forever/nothingness is fucking terrifying
but if there's a forever i'd want to spend it with her i think
and FUCK FUCK FUCK you have no idea how badly i wish i believed in a God that loved everyone—a God that loved me, no matter what i did or how many people i lost or how alone i was, fuck that would be the greatest thing ever—a God that was always there and cared , and an afterlife and fuck
i dont know

also i'm not really wearing pants

sam said she's probably gonna break my heart or demolish our friendship and like
fuck
being with her? spending my life with her and travelling the world with her and shit??
that's like the main fucking thing i'm looking forward to
and i couldn't travel alone i'd just end up killing myself
and i couldn't stay in the US

but just like fuck
you have no idea how fucking badly i need soemthing that lasts something that i can hold onto
in my eyes what the FUCK is the point of living
but nah
emma? lost her. we were friends again for a while, not nearly as close and things were kind of weird. but now she doesn't have internet so we haven't talked in months
elliot? haha yeah shit got fucked up. we're not even really friends anymore
and it's probably only a fucking matter of time before i fuck shit up with sam and then i'm gonna be alone again and what's the fucking point of going through the cycle again and again and again if i'm just gonna lose everyone and it's gonna mean nothing in the end and no matter waht i'm just gonna die and be alone and forgotten and none of it will fucking matter
and i don't have family to hold onto
i don't have god to hold onto
if i lose sam and a couple other friends i have fucking nothing
and just like
fuck
i really wish i wasn't alone right now

my parents seem to laugh off my fears, and then when I call them out on it, they act like it's all myfault. "oh haha lena the reason u have awful social anxiety is bc you don't get out enough hahaha" and then when i try to explain that they're not helping, they get all defensive and act like they're better than me and like i chose to be this way and have this war going on inside me and like the reason i put things that don't matter to me aside and instead focus on taking care of myself and being happy is because i'm an idiot who is a failure and it just sucks because I just want them to be there and try to understand instead of just pushing meaningless shit on me. it's basically saying "i don't really want to put forth the effort to talk to you love you k bye" and it hurts and I need them to understand that