don't quote
 

people say things get better but really they dont they just get worse and worse and worse and honestly i don't deserve any of that happiness that comes from "getting better" and i don't see why i'm not dead i really do deserve to be i am fat and ugly and have a lisp and my face is just really not good and why am i even eating food??? i don't deserve that, and i don't even deserve life... people keep caring about me and that's a big-ass mistake because all i can do is dash their hopes of me being okay against the rocks

and also i now have a bunch of huge scars across my legs but i still think they're not enough

can i just go die in a hole somewhere or something ok thanks

i wish you didnt man but thank you 🐣

oh man i hope she stops doing that, its horrible when that happens.
just an old friend. they dont realise how much it killed me inside but thats okay, i am glad theyre happy, they deserve it.

meera im so sorry you feel this way and everything but honestly good grades are so hard to achieve and that its okay to not do well once in a while because we are only human and we all make mistakes you included. its going to be okay if you get one b, two b's etc. its going to be fine. i promise.

hey aa, man as you know im so shit with words and helpling people but i just wanted to let you know that you really helped me and honestly i cant thank you enough. i really want you to know you are deserving of everything and that you are loved and though i cant tell you it WILL get better, i really hope it does for you. you really deserve it, esther

cussing a lot sry. probably shouldn't quote it's long af
 

so i don't really like to talk about this but i'm going to bc it's stressing me out.
so on thursday i had what i think was mild catatonia, or just a stupor idk and i was in the toilet cubicle and i couldn't fucking move or speak and one of the co-headteachers came in and even a male teacher with a stick to unlock the cubicle and they called a fucking ambulance and they were telling me to talk but i couldn't and i was shaking and i couldn't move anything except breath and blink and stuff. and the co-headteacher was asking me if i was abused or pregnant or bullied bc she literally thought something terrible was happening but nothing even happened i am just so exhausted with life.
the scariest thing is though that from the corner of my eye the paramedic's face was brown and she had multiple eyes that looked like cat eyes and on the wall you know when you rub your eyes too hard there's like a ring?? it was kind of like that but shapes everywhere and all the dots on the wall were coming towards me and it scared the shit out of me like i have been seeing things and i'm not insane what is my issue??? the whole thing felt like i was dreaming and none of it was real and i've been feeling a bit like that recently - like nothing really does exist, not the things around me, not the people around me, so that the people around me are just my imagination so that if i died they would all disappear. that i am the only one that exists. so this whole dreaming-like quality that the world around me now has scares me bc it's like it's a record playing, you can feel emotion towards the music or you can't. you can continue to listen to the song or you can stop it. this whole fakeness of everything is starting to make me wonder that if i killed myself, it wouldn't matter because no one would longer exist to feel despair over me. idek if i'm talking sense but i never sleep and it's killing me to the point where i might kill myself bc i can't even walk into a classroom with a bunch of kids without getting an ambulance called for me ffs

@Alaska

*huggles* i have had hallucinations and stuff in the past and i know so much it's terrible and awful and leaves you just.. ugh

but i promise it gest betters... can you get some meds or something for it?

(Valedictorian is the top student for the grade, right?)
If valedictorian is what I think it is, then it's a 1/(how many people there are in your grade) chance. Even the tiniest, most minuscule difference in grade could make all the difference. It's good to strive high, but not to the point where you want to die if you don't get it. Just try your best.

hey alaska man i am so so sorry you had to deal with that i know how it feels, trust me, its the worst. are you seeing anyone right now or did you end up telling the paramedic what was wrong? i hope you are feeling better now.

but also tfw intrusive thoughts keep you from leaving the house (:

to everyone who feels like dying or killing themselves its not worth it
it really isnt
you dont know what you might miss you have so much more than shitty people and shitty circumstance waiting for you and such a long life ahead
just wait out the bad days and focus on any little thing that makes you feel good or has made u feel good before and dont stop to wonder about suicide bc its just really not worth it
its all hormones and shit and things will mellow down and you will be glad you hung on that long and someday things will look up if you make them so and you can leave all the people who have hurt you and start a new life and it will be great
just hang on

theres a sign in a tunnel in my city that makes me cry when i see it, well mire than one, but this one. another one is the emergency number for ambulance sign on the bridge and the warning, long drop signs too because even though i cant jump off i look for those signs to give me hope that one day maybe i will.
i dont feel like im part of my body anymore, it feels like my head is taking over and is floating away from the rest of my body, its so terrifying because even though im in control, im just not.

its so scary how fast my mood changes and how going from seeing horrible pictures inside my head can turn into doing things to try and stop it from happening but it does anyway. im scared of myself, theres nothing i csn do

i have a shrink currently and i'm seeing her again on monday but i wasn't going to her for like 3 weeks bc things got in the way. and tru i try to just ignore the shit my head comes up with but sometimes it's rly hard to not listen to everything it tells me bc it's the only thing that ik for sure won't abandon me

ok well its good that you are seeing her soon! maybe you should try and talk about what happened if at all possible? i know exactly what you mean man i try to ignore my mind too and all the shit i hear but sometimes its hard. i am totally understanding of what oyu mean,,, if you need or want to talk or whatever you can hmu thru my contact tab !