@asher: you could bring the topic up and say something like "hypothetically, if someone our age was pregnant, would you still accept them and love them?" or something, just to test the waters, and if she responds positively you shouldn't have a problem telling her. if she responds negatively then wait awhile.

Ok…
And I'm screwed
Cuz I want to do an adoption
But the father wants to keep it
So we gotta decide cuz I'm not keeping it and I'm not letting him call all the shots

hm... as a compromise you could give him full custody or something?

Maybe but I'd still have to pay child support

stuff is in white because i'm upset about my ignorance and insensitivity
 

this makes 24hrs without a grades-related panic attack but im more unstable than usual and i could blow over any moment now and i need a distraction.

@dw: you should definitely look into it first and find the probability of a side effect, etc. and if the meds are good enough for your doctor to prescribe them to you, the side effects shouldn't be too bad. keep in mind that the field of medicine is rapidly evolving and what your dad could've had a bad experience with isn't going to be as helpful as what you're going to take. im sorry i keep using freaking science to explain everything but it's like all i know

it's 10pm and im literally aching to play piano but i have neighbors who have to sleep now but i won't sleep until i play just one little piece ("just one, " i say) and im not even that good at piano so no one would want to listen to me anyways and this is a strange feeling idk i need to piano as badly as i usually want to fight
SCREW EVERYTHING. I'M GONNA START CARING ABOUT MYSELF FOR ONCE. MY NEIGHBORS WAKE ME UP AT MIDNIGHT WITH THEIR PARTIES AND "LICENSED" FIRECRACKERS EVERY OTHER NIGHT. AND I WON'T BE ABLE TO SLEEP OTHERWISE
plus distractions are good even though im gonna be swearing a lot in the next hour or so

naw, science is cool. and actually, stable logic is so helpful and reliable because when ur emotions are all over the place, ur gonna want some consistent science stuff. -u-

also, the biggest problem i'm having with this whole ordeal is that I have a chemical imbalance in my brain. and I need medication and therapy and lifestyle changes to get rid of that imbalance. this means, to me, that my brain is basically messed up and it needs to be fixed. But like, I did that. I messed up my brain so bad that I can't even fix it anymore. I have caused a chemical imbalance in my own brain to the point where I can't do anything about it and other people are literally hired to fix it. even the people who went and made medicines for this stuff, they are the ones responsible for fixing my brain because i messed it up that much. like, ugh, what did i even do?

anyways, hopefully everything goes okay with the meds. i mean, there's nothing wrong with taking them and they should help, but gosh all the side effects and the whole "you can go into withdrawl and that's basically what your father did because he was in denial that it was the medicine that got rid of his depression" thing. so it's gonna be a bumpy ride, but so far, imma sit here and just try not to care too much because the faster i get rid of it, the sooner i can stop crying about stamps ugh why did that even happen. why..... also, yey for piano stuffs. we have our old piano in our garage, and sometimes my mom opens it so like half the neighborhood can hear my little sis play. it's not like it's annoying and i'm pretty sure nobody minds. so heck ye for pianos. play it gurl

it's not your fault. you did not cause the chemical imbalance. i have a messed up brain too or i would not get panic attacks so often and everything. you didn't cause this. it's not your fault, and you've gotta understand that. you're still perfect and you did nothing wrong and it's like blaming yourself for breaking a leg or getting the flu. you're alright. <3

also i was just screaming expletives at dead composers and my mom heard that before hearing me play and she asked if im playing the debussy again. ah, the life of a horrible pianist. XD really though im on the verge of tears as i type this

why am i about to cry
is it from physical pain
then why am i typing anyways
oh right this is finger pecking
i literally almost cried, probably from how awful i sound now or from how much it all hurts
why do i keep forgetting my wrist splints ugh i have had carpal tunnel for years because of music so i should know better than to practice this late
but i just cry about it ahaha no biggie im just furiously swearing and some of my fingers can't move
what's a rest? the longest rest here is a whole rest for one measure