i'm an emotionless robot again.
just going through the motions.
i can't feel anything.
i'm going numb.
i'm going insane.
i'm pretending like i know what i'm doing but i don't.
what the hell am i doing?
i don't--
i don't know.
i can't even get excited.
i can't get happy.
i can't get sad.
i can't get sad.
all i think coherently--
two words--

*disagrees with every part except the second to last sentence, and most of the second sentence*

my mom asked me today if i wrote the bomb threat note that caused my school to evacuate for half the day.
this makes me feel like acting out. maybe i'll wear skinny jeans tomorrow instead of regular jeans
also she asked me if i'm 'into cutting' because apparently she's been told fuck thank god i'm a great liar when i feel like shit
and she also asked me if i wanted to see a therapist, if she could find one. i don't think i believe she'd actually let me go. and she was, like, "you knowww once you go for mental help it's oN UR PERMNENT RECERD AND DON'T GO AWAY"

You really don't deserve to hurt.

Do whatever is best for you, Isaac. If you need to see a psychiatrist then better on your permanent record than you having to hurt without help.

no one deserves to hurt like this includes you. people are blind to the good in themselves sometimes, but people who love you (eg your internet family) (and friends and family in real life, even though they're being stupid and naïve about it) see that you are a fucking amazing beautiful human being
do so, skinny jeans are awesome.
please please try not to cut. it's not going to help in the long run. and if you're doing it because you think you deserve the pain you're as completely fucking wrong as everyone else who does is.
if you think seeing someone would help, you should try, you don't know that your parents won't let you. and i'm pretty sure she's wrong about the permanent record thing, doctors and such usually aren't allowed to break confidentiality

i hit myself so hard today.


why am i so mean, disagreeable, annoying, incoherent, dispicable, stupid, dumb, idiotic, dull, boring, icky (well, maybe not that icky....), horrible, mean, mean, mean, mean, mean, mean, mean, mean, and im really dense/shallow. i do things i shouldnt. my teacher (s) hate me, and, just, uggghhhhhh.
/moan/
/moans yet again/

also......
(okey, nevermind. my issues needn't be so exposed)
this is all im going to tell you, but it gets worse.
soo.........

notgonnacry
notgonnacry
notgonnacry
notgonnacry
notgonnnacry
notgonnacry
maybegonnacry
maybegonnacry
maybegonnacry
okay
ill cry
bye

Today was a weird day. I was considering suicide at one point, sitting with my crush talking about his completely fictional life story at another point, and taking the math olympiad at another point.

why considering suicide?

oh, honey. if you think a therapist would help, and she actually lets you go to one, then please do go.
by the way, friendly reminder that i love you no matter what.
yes that sounds cheesy.
no i don't care.
it's true, anyways.

yeah, my days go something like that too: mixture of depression, slightly high points, weird points, and school.

*hugs* thinking about killing awesomeness is a bad idea.

I don't know if it would, or how willing i'd be able to be about talking to the therapist. and idk if she'd let me.
Thank you. *hugs* and same to you.

I think I do deserve it. (You certainly don't, though.) (also you are blind to the overflowing amounts of good and awesomeness in you) My family certainly doesn't.
i'm not really sure if i'm doing it to make myself feel a bit better, or to punish myself.
my parents almost always reject my ideas as wrong and stupid. i think maybe i should try to learn from my mistakes.