XD *Coughpyromanicfirefighterfireworksigettoseecough* :D

My teacher use to put up Jack Handey quotes on the board. It's funny, because the class would walk in and everyone would just laugh... Or not get it.

Preettty.... :3

Why can't the ant and the caterpillar just get along? One eats grass, the other eats Caterpillars... Oh, I see now.

- Jack Handey

If you rob a bank, and your pants fall down, its okay to laugh. and let your hostages laugh too, because come on, life is funny.

- Jack Handey

Hahaha..... Yay! Shoot the rabid popsicles!

On the other hand, we have different fingers.

- Jack Handey

I bet if you were in some old west gang, and you were dragging a guy along the ground with your horse, It'd probably make you really mad to look back and see him reading a magazine.

- Jack Handey

"If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason."
~ Jack Handey

If I ever went to war, instead of throwing a grenade, I'd throw one of those small pumpkins. Then maybe my enemy would pick up the pumpkin and think about the futility of war. And that would give me the time I need to hit him with a real grenade.

- Jack Handey

"I think a good novel would be where a bunch of men on a ship are looking for a whale. They look and look, but you know what? They never find him. And you know why they never find him? It doesn't say. The book leaves it up to you, the reader, to decide. Then, at the very end, there's a page you can lick and it tastes like Kool-Aid."
~ Jack Handey

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.

- Jack Handey

Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the person's house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of its head with a note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.

- Jack Handey

Thanks alot, I think I'm obsessed now :P