| HeatherB |
11-06-2012 09:30 PM |
my life is extremely fucked up. not that everyone else's isn't, or that i have a special right to complain, i'm just stating a fact. my emotions are out of control. i can't do anything properly. i don't understand anything, i just follow the patterns and follow the crowd and follow, follow, fucking FOLLOW. i want to do something more than follow but i can't because i've been following all my life and if i stop now i won't even know what to fucking do. i'm seriously just a pet to my parents. i'm a little dog they feed, buy random shit for, occasionally dress, etc., etc. but i don't get it. i had such a good relationship with my parents and i was proud of it and i don't even know where that fucking time WENT. it just disappeared and i don't know if it was gradual or all at once because i didn't even notice at first that i wasn't telling them shit. i wasn't telling them anything anymore and we weren't friends and maybe breaking up with your parents is worse than breaking up with your boyfriend (not that i would know) because parents you actually RELY on. but i can't do anything right anymore and i can't fix anything worth a shit and i just want to give up. giving up is the best option right now. because sometimes when i'm bored and in the car with my dad i still talk to him and we were talking about what provokes suicide one day (yes, our topics are always like that, it's normal for us, at least that hasn't changed even if my emotions have) and i was saying how in some cases it's acceptable: like when you feel you are really alone, when you feel you mean nothing, are worthless. when the only option is to disappear for good because you don't exist anyways. suicide is all about it NOT MATTERING. and i don't really feel like i matter anymore. people still talk to me and trust me with stuff but at school i only really get involved in stuff to feel like i'm important, like i'm worth something. because otherwise it would be so, so easy to just give up. but no, i'm trying. i'm grasping at the little things because the big things i just don't get anymore. the little things are keeping me alive right now but i don't want to live that way. i want to be big and spontaneous and awesomely beautiful and right now i'm kind of just feeling like gum on a shoe, no one really wants me around but they're too lazy to pick me off. and i KNOW that's not true, that's the worst part of it--i know i'm loved and special and MATTER, blah blah blah. i know all that. yet i can't stop myself from feeling this way, like i'm emotionally unstable, a volcano due to erupt any minute and anyone who's in the way, watch out. which i guess is mostly my parents. they've been most in the way when my emotional torrents are released and i guess that's partially why we're drifting. that and i'm a 'teenager,' shit, blah blah whatever, 'take care of yourself because i don't fucking care anymore,' blah blah blah. and that's another problem: my parents always were hovering and overbearing and now they're trying to stop. which i would be perfectly okay with except for this emotional shit which is completely weighing me down and i need someone to dump it on and i tried for that to be my parents. but now they're all 'blah blah high school blah blah initiative blah blah take care of yourself blah blah shit.' so that's not really helpful. my friends... guys, don't feel guilty. i haven't been telling you this for a reason. mainly, i HATE being a burden. and even when i need to vent desperately it's super-hard because i just don't like burdening people. this thread was my escape from that for awhile, then my dad banned computer times going past my laptop curfew and my life got really fucking busy, as in, HIGH SCHOOL busy, and i just didn't have the time so there was all this emotional sludge draining around in me, pushed to one side and kind of just left there looking gray, like old snow. so please, please don't feel guilty about this. it's not your fault. it's mine. and you're hopefully not going to read this anyways, so whatever. but my relationship status with my emotions right now is stuck permanently on 'it's complicated.' i just don't know how to change that.
|
