The Writer's Block - Your emotional venting thread. I'll explain.

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- - Your emotional venting thread. I'll explain. (http://www.kidpub.com/forum3/showthread.php?t=2095)

Quote:

Originally Posted by HeatherB (Post 362904)

So this just happened:
My dad got really pissed off at me because I was apparently supposed to do my math homework and that's why my mom semi-yelled at me to get the hell off the computer. Instead, I got off the computer and dragged my ass to my room, upon which I wrote depressing stuff about the Holocaust Museum and my life in general and cried a lot because I'm a really arrogant little brat and to make it worse I was listening to songs like 'Reflection' from Mulan and 'Perfect' by P!nk right before I got off the computer, I was already in that kind of mood and this made it worse and so I hated myself for a good thirty minutes alone in my room crying and writing to get it all out and then my dad came outside the door and asked me when I was going to do my math homework. And I was just kinda like 'wtf' because I didn't remember them asking me to do that at all. And he got all disappointed and parental like and said 'I'm kind of upset' which is dad-speak for 'Why don't you ever do anything we want you to?' and I felt like super-guilty because the first thought that came to my mind is 'and you don't think I'm not upset?' Can't parents take a hint? I was listening to all my when-i'm-feeling-like-shit music and I basically "locked" (I never actually lock myself in my room but y'know I just kind of don't let anyone in and pretend there's a lock there) myself in my room for thirty minutes or so. And my excuse was 'I was getting ready for bed' because let's face it, if I'd told him 'I don't remember you saying anything like that today' which is the truth, he would've been all 'oh REAAALLLYYY' in that supreme parent way which is basically their twisted form of sarcasm. And he wouldn't've believed me anyways. Soooo... that's pretty much why I lied. Anyways, that's not the point. The point is that after this, I go out and do my math homework and my dad was downstairs on the computer for a bit, but then he came up and asked me if I was feeling okay. Confused, I replied, "why would you ask that?" He didn't answer and instead said, "are you having allergy problems?" And I said, "no." And he said, "were you crying?" And I didn't answer. What does one say to that, really? When you most obviously WERE and you thought you were hiding it but apparently NOT, because your dad just asked you--ahhh, my god, I'm kind of freaking out. Does this mean he hears when I scratch myself almost to the bleeding point in the bathroom? When I slam my fists down on the sink and furiously sing, quiet though it may be, under the sound of running water? I don't know. I don't know. I like my secrets just as much as the next person but this is fucking unnerving. Especially if you THINK you're hiding it but then it's like um NO and I just really don't know what to do. I'm asking for advice, I guess.

...oh yeah, I started scratching again and the depression's come back and I thought when I started writing my novel on it that I would overdramatize some aspects but maybe they weren't such an overdramatization and maybe I'm more like my main character than I thought because god. God, I'm so scared. I thought this was gone, I thought it was done with, I don't even know why it's fucking come back after all this time. I didn't feel like telling anybody. I guess I never got around to it.

And one last thing: I kind of want a therapist. My parents asked me about it once when I was in 5th grade because I was having trouble controlling my emotions (similar to what's going on now, I guess) and I was all *rollseyes* 'LOL NO THAT'S STUPID' but see now I kind of WANT a therapist just to vent to someone who's not my friend, someone who knows nothing about me but who can still care about me. I guess I need more faith in humanity is what I'm saying sort of and going to the Holocaust Museum today in school as a field trip and it didn't help. I have to go now but I might add more later.

Dear HeatherB,

When I first saw a post by you, you seemed really happy. But I read this and you seem upset and depressed and I don't really know what I can do to help. I think that a therapist would totally help! Ask your parents. If there's anything I can do to help, please tell me and I'll try. :) Be careful, HeatherB and remember, you still have all the people on KidPub for support. We're all here for me.

Sincerely,
evasong

Sometimes I wonder if anyone would care if I died.

Quote:

Originally Posted by wildwolf (Post 363010)

Sometimes I wonder if anyone would care if I died.

I wonder that, too. But then think of all your internet friends, who wouldn't know you had died if you just stopped chatting with them and posting stuff online and would think you'd dropped off the face of the earth or moved or forgotten about them. *coughcoughUScoughcough*

Quote:

Originally Posted by EmmaR (Post 362907)

Yeah, I have to say, a therapist would probably be a good idea.
They'd probably be a better help than any of us can be.

I think so, yes.

Quote:

Originally Posted by evasong (Post 362976)

Hey Evasong! (You can call me Heather, BTW. Perry added the B on there and I don't know why. D: ) Yeah, well, if you spend a lot of time on this thread, I'm kind of super, um, messed-up. In more ways than one. :P (Remember when I was such a happy lil' newb? Those were the days...) I don't really want to ask my parents about therapy, though, they have memories like elephants and I just KNOW they're gonna bring up that time in 5th grade, "You thought therapy was stupid! Why do you want it now?" and it's gonna be horrendously awkward to explain. See, I've tried telling them about my depression before, when it got REALLY bad this summer, and they pretty much completely blew me off. "No, don't say that, we're not having this conversation, don't ever talk to me like that again"--that's the summarized version of their reaction. If I bring it up again... I don't know what will happen. I don't know if they'll believe me. That's why I'm hesitant about therapy. But... you don't know how much it means to me to have you say that. Sometimes people ignore things on this thread that I and/or others have posted and it makes me upset and disappointed--why do we have this thread if no one's going to help and reassure the people on here? Thank you for reminding me that you guys still support everyone on here; I needed that. --Heather

Are you fucking kidding me.
Getting ready for bed last night, after my dad asks me if I've been crying and I don't respond and keep doing math homework, when I overhear my parents in the next room:
"I wonder how the Holocaust Museum trip went." --my dad
*oh wait whaaaaaat is this going where i think it's going*--my thought process
"It seems like it can be really... depressing."
*oh my fucking gawd that is NOT the reason--*
"I wonder how Heather felt about seeing all that stuff."
Upon which, I took the liberty of my open door to say, "I can HEAR you, you know." Upon which my parents quieted, but...
So THAT'S why he was concerned.
Fuck fuck fuck fuckkity fuckkity fuuuuck fuck fuck fuck.
Parents never think they can do wrong, don't they?
He never really even CONSIDERED that I might've been feeling down because of other reasons--even though I'd mentioned my depression before to my parents. Oh, wonderful. Parents are so goddamn oblivious. >_>

...this has managed to make me even more depressed. Yaaaaay.

I don't even get why it's come back now. I'm just falling apart.

Quote:

Originally Posted by wildwolf (Post 363010)

Sometimes I wonder if anyone would care if I died.

D': I WOULD CARE. *glomps* All of KP would care!!!

I was just wondering that last night. o_o But not in terms of my immediate family caring, but everyone else...y'know, distant relatives, old friends, current casual friends, people on KP, etc...what would they all do...how would they react...just a thought. :^B

for some stupid reason, my dad wants me to be a math genius prodigy. so i had to go to this stupid math contest thingie and i completely failed and i'm worried about how my dad's gonna kill me. and i also missed a chance to get my stories PUBLISHED, and i know they're good enough. but my dad hates writing. and he loves stupid idiotic ****ing math. same with my mom and sister, who act weird around me and make me feel like i'm adopted.
i know that was completely outrageous and crazy. sorry if my pathetic rant/story/thing is considered clogging; i understand. ;)

Quote:

Originally Posted by wildwolf (Post 363010)

Sometimes I wonder if anyone would care if I died.

You die, and I will kill you.