I feel kind of guilty. The boy who plays this guy in my play just fell off a balcony over the stage and broke his leg and spewed blood everywhere. He was so annoying I'm kind of glad I won't have to put up with him anymore. But I feel guilty for thinking that.

I wouldn't worry about it. :^/
Sometimes I feel the same, like if some people I know died (many of them, actually) I would be glad so there's less hassle on everyone else's life. Your train of thought is actually quite logical. I probably wouldn't feel too guilty if I were you... :^I

(8re-reads that*)

Dear god I'm cold... ._.

Venting
 

Don't read this... just a tangled vat of stuff...



I am so sad right now, very icy inside, almost like someone dumped cold water into my body, and it's not a calm kind of cold, it's a sad, indifferent, turning kind of cold, and I'm so sad and lonely because it seems like no matter how hard I try to be nice to people they just ignore me and push me away, it's only the people I hate who flock to me and I try to ignore them and they keep following me and they're toxic people and they just put me down, she just puts me down, every day I go to school, she follows me like a shadow and she drains my energy, sucks it from the air around me, her voice is so flat and monotone, I can't take it, I can't take it, everything she says, so grey, and then she'll just flat out insult me, tell me I have a box body even though I've lost eighteen pounds in the past month, she's made me feel like the exact opposite of what I want to be since I met her back in September, and I don't even remember how we became friends, all I know is that everything's blended into one grey mesh and I can't tell one memory of a day from the other, and on the note of food, I can't seem to get my appetite right... my dad says my body isn't static yet so I have nothing to worry about but I'm so terrified of the adults I see, of being an overweight teenager, of her puffy face and her sagging hips and sagging stomach flesh, so much flesh, butts protruding from the middle of some womens' SPINES, waddling, they can't move, they can't move, they can't walk and they feel so MISERABLE, I'm so scared I can't let myself ever get like that, a ball on two legs, no shape, I'm terrified, I know I'll never be fat because I'm so TERRIFIED but sometimes because I don't eat very much anymore my appetite will flip out and I'll binge and be horribly bloated for two days and I hate that but whatever, right, I'm still eighteen pounds healthier, I got rid of the voice in my head that calls me fat and useless and lazy but the fear that it caused is still there, I stuffed myself with pancakes this morning, went for a walk, went to basketball then went for a run and all I had (eight hours later) was a soft boiled egg for protein so I could keep the muscle tissue and three hours later I know I'm now having supper because I feel full, but I know that I'm not but I feel full... and so much caffeine... I get so many more dizzy spells but honestly it's worth it, worth it, worth it, it's worth it, but it feels like everywhere I look in my mind I see rotting flesh and dead, moving bodies, like zombies with their gaping mouths and decomposing muscles and rotting, jagged teeth and their black tongues, rolling in their mouths like coal, oh god, it's so cold, it's so cold, I'm so sad but I just can't be empathetic enough to cry, I don't know if I should, and I'm shut out, shut out, shut out of things, lonely, still cold, dizzy, hungry, hungry but full, hungry and now my arms and core muscles are starting to go limp again like they do when I don't eat enough and I need to have enough energy to exercse but I'm terrified of eating...

I dunno >_<
I just feel sad and depressed as usual. Yesterday, I found out I get ara's, weird things with my eyes that's like a migraine when i don't eat, which i don't usually. I'm also feeling a lot of stress with school, friends, family and all that stuff. I feel depressed and . . . trapped in this boring routine every day. Life doesn't have any . . . spring or meaning to it anymore, really. What is the meaning of life? And what is there to live for when it's the same thing everyday. Anyone else feel that way?

Is that.. anorexia?

o_o ... *stays silent for a long moment* *tries to determine which one of us is going through more crap right now* *decides it doesn't matter*

http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_ll771bdzkB1qfcvm6.gif
*hugs you for a long moment*

You won't ever turn into that, Cassandra. You do not have anything to worry about in that area. I'm sorry you have this person following you and hurting you...I swear, if I could, I'd go to your school and chain the freak to a tree to keep her away from you. It's not fair for you to have to deal with that. All I can say is the fact that you've put up with it for so long demonstrates how strong you are. Most people would have cracked a while ago.

Sandy...I know it has different sources, but I'm feeling the exact same way right now. Cold and icy and lonely and isolated and numb. I've barely eaten anything this past week, so I can even identify with your hunger pains. I'm sorry I don't have much to say about this...I'm so drained I can barely write this much. But I can say this. You're not really alone, Cass. You may feel like it, but just try to tell yourself you're not. I'm hugging you through the computer right now, and it hurts me that I can't give you a real hug in person. That's how much I care. If I wasn't 14, I'd book a flight to Canada in a heartbeat.

Sad and Happy and Conflicted
 

I'm sad because I'm back to school tomorrow. No more April Vacation. I feel like it just started. It was nice.... went to NY. Was on a screen in Times Square. Got on the Today Show. Saw a Broadway play..... nice. Please don't ask questions about my trip. No offense but I don't really want to answer questions.

Happy because I will see my friend. Shes nice.

Conflicted because I am happy about the Chat Room I started but sad no one is going to it.

Yeah...I think so. Anorexia is a sick:


an·o·rex·i·a/ˌanəˈreksēə/
Noun:

1.A lack or loss of appetite for food (as a medical condition).
2.An emotional disorder characterized by an obsessive desire to lose weight by refusing to eat.

Yes.. I had a character with anorexia once. And I researched a bunch of stuff on it. Not the best thing to have. :(

I don't know you very much, but I want to help. Eighteen pounds in a month is a dangerous amount for someone who doesn't eat as much. Even if you have to force it down, you need to eat.

I don't mean to put you down, but you have food. Some kids are only allowed one small meal a day, and you're rejecting three?

Talk to someone. Someone in your life loves you to death, and they wouldn't want to see you like this.