Originally Posted by L.S.Trendom (Post 280494)

Imma try to condense this rant. :D
Lately, I’ve been sort of paranoid, convincing myself that no one really cares about me… Thinking of ways things people have said/done could be interpreted to mean that. And sometimes I avoid people because I feel like too big of a failure to be around them. I’m terrified that everyone will think I’m a failure, which adds to that.
I know mood swings are a regular part of being a teenager, but… I’m wondering if I’m bipolar or something. A couple of times in the past few days, I’ve felt like grinning and laughing for no reason, with no relation to what was happening in real life. I was sort of happyish, and I had some confidence in myself. Other times, I get depressed, and sometimes that doesn’t have anything to do with what’s happening either.
Though I’ve stopped trusting myself about stuff like that; I’ve thought I was bipolar, depressed, gay, thought I had a few personality disorders (not at the same time :P), and tone deaf (a bit). About the gay thing… It happened twice, and I think I was, like, sure of it both times. Not really sure why I thought that… But it was accompanied by the wanting to grin and laugh, a bit.
I think I might have a pretty good, or at least decent, chance of being clinically depressed or something along those lines... Two close relatives have had something/s like that (though I’m not sure what).

(The following would probably sound less insane if I didn’t name the feelings…)
Sometimes, I feel sort like… there are two different… worlds, for lack of a better word. Not like you can find a portal to Narnia in your wardrobe; they’re more… spiritually/emotionally different, rather than physical. And I named them. Asphodel and Elysium, and they fit well. Elysium feels small, but almost perfect and beautiful and worth living in. Asphodel is the opposite, huge and grey and empty and pointless, no matter what. Nothing effing matters in it, nothing is worth anything. It’s hard to get away from the feeling of Asphodel/depression, unless I distract myself and try to forget, which sometimes doesn’t work. But for Elysium… Thoughts of Asphodel, of emptiness and how, maybe, no matter what I do it’ll still amount to absolutely nothing in the end, that can make me depressed/take me back to Asphodel. And when I’m like that, Elysium and happiness feel like total lies, but not vice versa; Elysium just makes it easier to hide from Asphodel.
The thought of growing up, getting a job and whatever, (almost) always leads to Asphodel; I can’t imagine friends or love or anything worthwhile in adult life. I can’t. Just trying to survive, money, trying not to go bankrupt.
Also, half the time I hold conversations in my head. I don’t expect replies and I don’t get them, but it’s kind of subconscious and I talk to myself like I do. Like, I’ll imagine what I’d say to someone in some situation, or what I’d do in another situations—often ridiculous—or I’ll start mentally saying something in my mind, like this rant. I’ve probably thought out half of this, absentmindedly, over the past week or so. Most of the time, it’s utterly disconnected from whatever I’m doing in real life. And other times, my mind is blank and not a single word is in it and I don’t think or really feel anything. These words feel a bit disconnected, too… like I’m typing for someone else, like they’re not really mine.
The other thing is, I think I used to pray to die in my sleep sometimes, years ago. That’s not the part that scares me, it’s my response to it. I don’t feel any sympathy for my younger self, just a bit of embarrassment. I even mentally laughed a few times, about it. My thoughts toward myself border on psychopathic sometimes… Last month, I had a bad breakdown. I was up until like two in the morning, I even had a bit of insomnia, and the world felt so empty. I hated myself so much, and I was muttering, “I hate you, I f*ing hate you, die in a f*ing hole.” The animosity I felt toward myself scared me, and I’ve still been muttering that sometimes.
(That was the night when I really started (mentally) cursing. :p)
And, much of the time, I can’t feel any pride; and if I do, then part of me thinks it’s arrogant, any pride disappears, and I start thinking, “I f*ing hate you” again.
For some reason, sometimes when I look up the symptoms of depression and bipolar disorder or whatever and see that I have some of them, I feel like laughing…
Not sure if those should make me feel concerned for my sanity or what. :^I

I’m afraid I’ll be Forever Alone, that no one will really care for me, that my life will never be worth having lived. Terrified that the song of my life will be A Most Peculiar Man by Simon & Garfunkel. (My mom even said it described me, except for the part where he kills himself…) Or the chorus of Disenchanted by My Chemical Romance: “You’re just a sad song / With nothing to say / About a lifelong / Wait for a hospital stay.”

Yeahhhhh… Attempt to condense failed. ^_^ I’ve been wanting to rant for a while, so… meh…
*le feels slightly better* Actually… just neutral. Not depressed or happy. Just mehish. :^I
ohgodwthamipostingthisnooneffingcares…

Edit: I would like to state I feel like laughing and crying at this post, a bit. Mainly laughing. http://a.deviantart.net/avatars/f/a/facepokerplz.png?1

Originally Posted by TheAshWolf (Post 280501)

:(
Okay, first off, I'm so sorry I didn't see this until just now...I honestly stopped checking this thread a while back because I was so emotionally screwed up, I couldn't handle trying to help anyone else.

Second...o__o *serious face* Tredom, I know we've never met in real life. But you know what? I care about you. A lot. I remember the day you joined KidPub so clearly. Which is odd for me, since the stress in my life has wiped out a lot of my memories from back then. I know, I'm not exactly good at commenting on your stories and poems when you first post them...but that's my problem, not yours. Honestly, I feel almost...intimidated by you sometimes...<:^J You're this incredible poet who can write a billion times better than me even when you have Writer's Block. You give great CC, and can spot typos like a pro. O_O All while keeping up this awesome online energy level, despite how you feel off of KP. You are a downright AWESOME person, and I recognize that. And it hurts me to see you're in pain and I can't really do much to help.

Asphodel and Elysium......O_O I swear, I've heard that before. I don't know where, or when, but...I don't know. Those names just jump out at me. o.o Weird.

Anyway...I just want to say that I honestly know how you feel. I've spent half my life having conversations in my head like that. I'm dealing with the same bipolar suspicions. I honestly have no pity for the paranoid little wimp I used to be. I laugh when I think about the younger me. I never let myself feel proud anymore, even though I know there's a big difference between being proud and arrogant. Being proud is positive. It's letting yourself be happy. Being arrogant is rubbing your success in people's faces. And you know what? I've been struggling with my language, too...I don't know how it started, but whenever something goes wrong, I get all mad at myself and start cursing at myself mentally. I'm working on it, but it's still there.

All I can say is...just try to keep things in perspective. Remind yourself that you do have good things in your life. And you know what, Tredom? You don't have to live in that big, empty, sad gray place you call Asphodel. <:^J You really don't. There can be more to life than just making money and keeping your job. I'm going to go out on a limb here and ask you a question....you don't have to answer it. I just want you to keep an open mind, okay?

Would you like to live forever? Not in this messed up world, though. There would be no dying economy, no pain, no old age, no sickness, no death. I know it sounds impossible, but...tell me...doesn't that sound good to you?

Originally Posted by L.S.Trendom (Post 280494)

Imma try to condense this rant. :D
Lately, I’ve been sort of paranoid, convincing myself that no one really cares about me… Thinking of ways things people have said/done could be interpreted to mean that. And sometimes I avoid people because I feel like too big of a failure to be around them. I’m terrified that everyone will think I’m a failure, which adds to that.
I know mood swings are a regular part of being a teenager, but… I’m wondering if I’m bipolar or something. A couple of times in the past few days, I’ve felt like grinning and laughing for no reason, with no relation to what was happening in real life. I was sort of happyish, and I had some confidence in myself. Other times, I get depressed, and sometimes that doesn’t have anything to do with what’s happening either.
Though I’ve stopped trusting myself about stuff like that; I’ve thought I was bipolar, depressed, gay, thought I had a few personality disorders (not at the same time :P), and tone deaf (a bit). About the gay thing… It happened twice, and I think I was, like, sure of it both times. Not really sure why I thought that… But it was accompanied by the wanting to grin and laugh, a bit.
I think I might have a pretty good, or at least decent, chance of being clinically depressed or something along those lines... Two close relatives have had something/s like that (though I’m not sure what).

(The following would probably sound less insane if I didn’t name the feelings…)
Sometimes, I feel sort like… there are two different… worlds, for lack of a better word. Not like you can find a portal to Narnia in your wardrobe; they’re more… spiritually/emotionally different, rather than physical. And I named them. Asphodel and Elysium, and they fit well. Elysium feels small, but almost perfect and beautiful and worth living in. Asphodel is the opposite, huge and grey and empty and pointless, no matter what. Nothing effing matters in it, nothing is worth anything. It’s hard to get away from the feeling of Asphodel/depression, unless I distract myself and try to forget, which sometimes doesn’t work. But for Elysium… Thoughts of Asphodel, of emptiness and how, maybe, no matter what I do it’ll still amount to absolutely nothing in the end, that can make me depressed/take me back to Asphodel. And when I’m like that, Elysium and happiness feel like total lies, but not vice versa; Elysium just makes it easier to hide from Asphodel.
The thought of growing up, getting a job and whatever, (almost) always leads to Asphodel; I can’t imagine friends or love or anything worthwhile in adult life. I can’t. Just trying to survive, money, trying not to go bankrupt.
Also, half the time I hold conversations in my head. I don’t expect replies and I don’t get them, but it’s kind of subconscious and I talk to myself like I do. Like, I’ll imagine what I’d say to someone in some situation, or what I’d do in another situations—often ridiculous—or I’ll start mentally saying something in my mind, like this rant. I’ve probably thought out half of this, absentmindedly, over the past week or so. Most of the time, it’s utterly disconnected from whatever I’m doing in real life. And other times, my mind is blank and not a single word is in it and I don’t think or really feel anything. These words feel a bit disconnected, too… like I’m typing for someone else, like they’re not really mine.
The other thing is, I think I used to pray to die in my sleep sometimes, years ago. That’s not the part that scares me, it’s my response to it. I don’t feel any sympathy for my younger self, just a bit of embarrassment. I even mentally laughed a few times, about it. My thoughts toward myself border on psychopathic sometimes… Last month, I had a bad breakdown. I was up until like two in the morning, I even had a bit of insomnia, and the world felt so empty. I hated myself so much, and I was muttering, “I hate you, I f*ing hate you, die in a f*ing hole.” The animosity I felt toward myself scared me, and I’ve still been muttering that sometimes.
(That was the night when I really started (mentally) cursing. :p)
And, much of the time, I can’t feel any pride; and if I do, then part of me thinks it’s arrogant, any pride disappears, and I start thinking, “I f*ing hate you” again.
For some reason, sometimes when I look up the symptoms of depression and bipolar disorder or whatever and see that I have some of them, I feel like laughing…
Not sure if those should make me feel concerned for my sanity or what. :^I

I’m afraid I’ll be Forever Alone, that no one will really care for me, that my life will never be worth having lived. Terrified that the song of my life will be A Most Peculiar Man by Simon & Garfunkel. (My mom even said it described me, except for the part where he kills himself…) Or the chorus of Disenchanted by My Chemical Romance: “You’re just a sad song / With nothing to say / About a lifelong / Wait for a hospital stay.”

Yeahhhhh… Attempt to condense failed. ^_^ I’ve been wanting to rant for a while, so… meh…
*le feels slightly better* Actually… just neutral. Not depressed or happy. Just mehish. :^I
ohgodwthamipostingthisnooneffingcares…

Edit: I would like to state I feel like laughing and crying at this post, a bit. Mainly laughing. http://a.deviantart.net/avatars/f/a/facepokerplz.png?1

Originally Posted by L.S.Trendom (Post 280530)

I think most people are scared of dying; that doesn't make you a loser.
You can't get through life without failure/mistakes. Just learn from them. And if everything falls to pieces… put it back together and make it better.
Don't listen to anyone who doesn't believe in you. :D

Thank you. [^:

Originally Posted by L.S.Trendom (Post 280494)

Imma try to condense this rant. :D
Lately, I’ve been sort of paranoid, convincing myself that no one really cares about me… Thinking of ways things people have said/done could be interpreted to mean that. And sometimes I avoid people because I feel like too big of a failure to be around them. I’m terrified that everyone will think I’m a failure, which adds to that.
I know mood swings are a regular part of being a teenager, but… I’m wondering if I’m bipolar or something. A couple of times in the past few days, I’ve felt like grinning and laughing for no reason, with no relation to what was happening in real life. I was sort of happyish, and I had some confidence in myself. Other times, I get depressed, and sometimes that doesn’t have anything to do with what’s happening either.
Though I’ve stopped trusting myself about stuff like that; I’ve thought I was bipolar, depressed, gay, thought I had a few personality disorders (not at the same time :P), and tone deaf (a bit). About the gay thing… It happened twice, and I think I was, like, sure of it both times. Not really sure why I thought that… But it was accompanied by the wanting to grin and laugh, a bit.
I think I might have a pretty good, or at least decent, chance of being clinically depressed or something along those lines... Two close relatives have had something/s like that (though I’m not sure what).

(The following would probably sound less insane if I didn’t name the feelings…)
Sometimes, I feel sort like… there are two different… worlds, for lack of a better word. Not like you can find a portal to Narnia in your wardrobe; they’re more… spiritually/emotionally different, rather than physical. And I named them. Asphodel and Elysium, and they fit well. Elysium feels small, but almost perfect and beautiful and worth living in. Asphodel is the opposite, huge and grey and empty and pointless, no matter what. Nothing effing matters in it, nothing is worth anything. It’s hard to get away from the feeling of Asphodel/depression, unless I distract myself and try to forget, which sometimes doesn’t work. But for Elysium… Thoughts of Asphodel, of emptiness and how, maybe, no matter what I do it’ll still amount to absolutely nothing in the end, that can make me depressed/take me back to Asphodel. And when I’m like that, Elysium and happiness feel like total lies, but not vice versa; Elysium just makes it easier to hide from Asphodel.
The thought of growing up, getting a job and whatever, (almost) always leads to Asphodel; I can’t imagine friends or love or anything worthwhile in adult life. I can’t. Just trying to survive, money, trying not to go bankrupt.
Also, half the time I hold conversations in my head. I don’t expect replies and I don’t get them, but it’s kind of subconscious and I talk to myself like I do. Like, I’ll imagine what I’d say to someone in some situation, or what I’d do in another situations—often ridiculous—or I’ll start mentally saying something in my mind, like this rant. I’ve probably thought out half of this, absentmindedly, over the past week or so. Most of the time, it’s utterly disconnected from whatever I’m doing in real life. And other times, my mind is blank and not a single word is in it and I don’t think or really feel anything. These words feel a bit disconnected, too… like I’m typing for someone else, like they’re not really mine.
The other thing is, I think I used to pray to die in my sleep sometimes, years ago. That’s not the part that scares me, it’s my response to it. I don’t feel any sympathy for my younger self, just a bit of embarrassment. I even mentally laughed a few times, about it. My thoughts toward myself border on psychopathic sometimes… Last month, I had a bad breakdown. I was up until like two in the morning, I even had a bit of insomnia, and the world felt so empty. I hated myself so much, and I was muttering, “I hate you, I f*ing hate you, die in a f*ing hole.” The animosity I felt toward myself scared me, and I’ve still been muttering that sometimes.
(That was the night when I really started (mentally) cursing. :p)
And, much of the time, I can’t feel any pride; and if I do, then part of me thinks it’s arrogant, any pride disappears, and I start thinking, “I f*ing hate you” again.
For some reason, sometimes when I look up the symptoms of depression and bipolar disorder or whatever and see that I have some of them, I feel like laughing…
Not sure if those should make me feel concerned for my sanity or what. :^I

I’m afraid I’ll be Forever Alone, that no one will really care for me, that my life will never be worth having lived. Terrified that the song of my life will be A Most Peculiar Man by Simon & Garfunkel. (My mom even said it described me, except for the part where he kills himself…) Or the chorus of Disenchanted by My Chemical Romance: “You’re just a sad song / With nothing to say / About a lifelong / Wait for a hospital stay.”

Yeahhhhh… Attempt to condense failed. ^_^ I’ve been wanting to rant for a while, so… meh…
*le feels slightly better* Actually… just neutral. Not depressed or happy. Just mehish. :^I
ohgodwthamipostingthisnooneffingcares…

Edit: I would like to state I feel like laughing and crying at this post, a bit. Mainly laughing. http://a.deviantart.net/avatars/f/a/facepokerplz.png?1