Dude.
LST.
Don't you realize how amazing you are?
I don't know exactly what's going on, but whatever it is, I know you can make it through it.
Don't you ever doubt that, 'kay?

Just try to believe that things will work out :3 Worrying about it won't help, so just take action. ~hugs~

GERARD FROM MCR WAS THERE AT THAT THING I WAS TALKING ABOUT
*smashes head through 800 walls*

im not okay
im not okay
well im not okay
im not o fucking kay!
im not okayyyy
im not okayyyyyy

You're not a selfish bitch. The fact that you're criticizing yourself for your apparent apathy shows that you do have conscience.

Thanks. tencharacters

thank you
exactly how i feel. EXACTLY.

it's kind of creepy how precise this is.

Try this: shut your fucking mouth and listen to me when I say that there's nothing wrong with you. There's no need to feel that way. Don't you know that everyone has a slim chance, and that chance only improves with every variable like being a wonderful writer, having a good sense of humor, and having all kinds of greatness locked inside of you?

friendly reminder that you are the greatest person alive for telling me this and almost making me believe it.
i bookmarked this post under 'more friendly reminders'

And you're kind of being even more awesome by saying that to me and making me feel so much better. Thanks.

you're welcome, but really, thank YOU.

But seriously, I take people for granted. I nearly only talk to my mum when I want something from her or when I need to rant about a fandom of mine, and other moments I chase her out of my room.

oh gosh why am i posting this
 

:/

I’ve never been embarrassed to be a writer. Not until recently.

I wish I remember when I first realized I was a writer. I don’t really think there was one single moment, actually. I've been making up stories for as long as I can remember. I just eventually got used to coming home from school every day and going straight to my computer or notebook to write down the thoughts and lyrics and short stories my mind had woven together that day. I didn’t really notice when my short stories started to blossom into entire novellas. By the time I started telling my relatives and fellow social outcasts about my stories, I had honestly started to think of myself as an author, a writer, a storyteller. And I loved it.

Now…things just seem…different. I don’t think anything’s changed, though—at least not when I sit down and physically write, when I immerse myself in my story. I have so much fun when I do that, it’s almost indescribable. It’s when people in my life say it out loud that I start feeling strange.

“…kind of like your book.” Eye twitches, breath catches in throat, heart pounds. “How’s your Troodainia book going?” Cringe internally, smile awkwardly, heart races, mutter a quick answer, then change the subject. “Writing any more stories?” Nod slightly, look down, fake a smile, mumble a few book titles, ignore erratic pulse, change the subject. “Oh, you’re a writer?” Stomach flops, jaw clenches, heart pounds, nod slowly, resist urge to find a nice rock to crawl under.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Now, whenever someone mentions it—specifically someone I really look up to—I just want to dig a hole and bury myself in it, so I can just be forgotten.

This feeling is scaring me. I don’t understand it at all. Is it because I know some people don’t want to take me seriously when they hear I’m a writer? Is it because they appear to be almost amused with me? Or is it just because I’m an awkward person who’s just gotten even MORE self-conscious lately? Am I just subconsciously looking for an excuse to stay away from people? Am I getting tired of my own soul story? Am I getting tired of myself?

I honestly have no idea. And that’s what scares me the most.

._.

I just want this feeling to go away, go away, go away—my list of hopelessly confusing feelings is already way too long; I don’t need to add another to the list.

*sigh*



....I usually don't agree with the saying "misery loves company," but I have to admit, if anyone else feels this way, or used to, it would make me feel a lot better about all this. x_x

Well then. ;_;

I can't help that feeling but... good luck. D:

I'm obviously not going to stop writing--don't worry about that. o_0 And it's not the comments I get on this site that bother me. In all honesty, every single one of them really make my day, and it thrills me every time someone asks me about WOT. It's only off the computer that I feel embarrassed. (In case I wasn't clear enough before. *le too sleepy to make sense derpderp*)

I really don't know what to say...

That's perfectly okay. I don't know what to say anymore, either. XD XD DX DX

http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m5...fhi2o1_500.gif

I find it completely impossible to trust anyone but myself on April Fools' Day.

ewe

Even YouTube is pranking people this year. *groans*

No one pranked me because no human interaction aside from parents today,

It's probably teenagery stuff. Just try spending more time with her when you can?
I only leave my room and my computer for meals and to talk to my brother.

Our eyes must be getting trashed. Do you wear contacts or something?
Hopefully it is. I'm blaming mood swings as my cover, and now I think of it, it probably is. I was excited this afternoon and I was perfectly nice (well, as I can be nice) to my parents.

Nope. I used to wear glasses, but it turns out I never needed them.
Yay for the good side of the swings!

Ever get that feeling when you want to slap yourself for being so stubborn and bitchy? The person is only trying to help and then you say something that you wish you could take back because that person only wanted the best. And as much as you'd like to talk to him and start up the conversation again because you really like talking to him, there's an uncomfortable space of 'how do I start this up again?' And you just kind of wished you just went along and said, "yeah, okay." And you wish you weren't so messed up too and you also that there will never be this type of situation again because it feels awful because you really like talking to the person.
*sighs*

You aren't stubborn or bitchy. You just said the wrong thing to someone. If you like talking to them, and they want the best for you, then I'm sure they'll talk to you again. Mistakes aren't always fatal.

I know... Just kind of feeling meh about it.

You...never needed them?
Yup. All the time.

AND ALSO WHAT DOES ONE DO ON A BIRTHDAY WITH TWO FRIENDS OVER AT YOUR HOME? Two friends from primary, one friend that I haven't met side October, and another, one of my best friends, since the Christmas holidays, though we talk on the phone all the time. I usually just go to my friend's home; she's never been to mine and it's going to be really awkward.
I is stressed.

And I don't want to do another stop-motion video EVER AGAIN. Not any time in this fortnight.

yes. *hugs* to state the obvious, that's a horrible feeling.

i had to listen to my mom explain my 'situation' to the therapist's office, and she was all "welllllll....... heather's been feeling depressed lately and her doctor recommended this" hahaha NO i've been feeling depressed for the last three years and it's not even a fucking EMOTION, it's just there like the blackness around the corners of my eyes waiting for every time my life gets worse, even just for a millisecond and for the tiniest amount of not-better-ness, it grabs onto it and it pulls me under and the worst part is, i let it do that. and i smile and laugh and i am NOT HAPPY, do you understand, mom? but of course you don't. this is why i didn't tell you. three years is a long time to keep a secret. and now you're telling me, "oh btw you shouldn't tell any of your friends about the therapy, you know it's a PERSONAL matter, it's a FAMILY thing" well i shit you not who do you think i turned to when things got bad? it sure as shit wasn't you, mom. i know it's personal, but if i can't talk to you about it, who can i talk to? and if you think i'm talking to a therapist you're wrong. it's one thing to type something via the internet, where i can sit here and cry all i want and no one judges me for it. it's another thing to be sitting in an office with a lady i don't even know who asks me questions and doesn't bother to comfort me, just gives mocking looks of sympathy that are terribly unhelpful given the circumstances. geez, if i'm lucky she'll offer me a tissue. if i'm not, well, who the fuck knows. i know at one point i wanted a therapist but that point's gone. i can't talk to anyone i don't even know about this. i just can't.

Tonight I will attempt to ignore that I'm a worthless piece of shit, and eat dinner and watch the new Doctor Who episode ^-^

you shouldn't be embarrassed to be a writer because you're an awesome writer duh.
*not particularly helpful but hands happie*

*can relate*
You are notttt bitchy, you are awesome.
And I agree with what Cheeze said.
*hands happie* Whether you're messed up or not, you're still awesome.
And, Heather, same to you.

@Heather: *Hugs* I'm sorry… I hope it helps. :/ *possibly also going to therapy soon* If the therapist doesn't help, you should try to see if you can find a different one. You deserve someone who's actually good at helping.

I second what Isaac said.
There are also online sites that can give you professional advice, if you're not comfortable with sitting in a room with a randomer. It's not the same as a therapist, but it generally helps people.
And we'll always be here if you need us, Heather.

You are not a worthless piece of shit. But well done for ignoring the lies, and for eating and for watching awesome stuff.

You are not a worthless piece of shit.

I honestly don't think it will. *good luck* Yeah, and so do you.
Yeah, I've tried those. The one that seems to fit my description is only available in Australia.
I know. I know. I just... I don't know.

you know what i really fucking hate? it's when you say, 'i'm just trying to help.' like i don't know that! but the thing is, you know why i'm pissed off and why that's a shitty excuse? because you may be TRYING to help me, dad, mom, but you're NOT. you say you want to be better parents? you say you want the best for me? then fuck off. i don't want to be around you anymore.

secon ded.

thirded .... not a word is it?

Sitting in bed, browsing the web on my laptop, eating warm apple pie and listening to Passenger on repeat. This is as good as it gets.

Just saying, those things are crap. I tried one once.

ugh why did i have to find that out
i really wish i wasn't told that
is there really anyone i can actually fucking trust

What happened?